30 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Marriage

Before getting into marriage, you should ensure that you know your partner well. Inorder to do that, here are 30 questions you need to ask.

30 Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Marriage

Contents

  1. Questions to ask before marriage
  2. 1. How do you handle conflict and stress?
  3. 2. How much value do you place on sex?
  4. 3. Ask questions on the in-laws before marriage
  5. 4. Do you expect me to change anything?
  6. 5. Ask questions on your handling of money issues in marriage
  7. 6. Will you need any time alone? Do you have a problem if I require my own free time?
  8. 7. Do you have a past problem with alcohol, drugs and gambling?
  9. 8. Ask questions before marriage on your relationship as housemates
  10. 9. Ask questions about kids before marriage
  11. 10. How will our experiences with our ex affect our marriage?
  12. 11. What value do you put on religion?
  13. 12. How much should we be willing to share about relationships with others?
  14. 13. How much value do you place in your job and what would happen if you are fired or transferred?
  15. 14. Are you okay with my closeness to others?
  16. 15. Do you have any expectations on where we should live geographically?
  17. 16. How much value do you put in my personal upkeep?
  18. 17. What is the one thing that you lover most about me?
  19. 18. Ask questions about goals before marriage
  20. 19. Who among my friends do you respect most and why?
  21. 20. What is that one thing that you cannot do without in life?
  22. 21. What should I do to make you feel loved?
  23. 22. Who did what chore when growing up?
  24. 23. Do you think we are both growing psychologically or emotionally?
  25. 24. What are your thoughts on couples counseling?
  26. 25. What value did your family put on birthday celebrations?
  27. 26. Ask questions on PDA before marriage ?
  28. 27. What would you consider to be a deal breaker?
  29. 28. Why did you choose to get married?
  30. 29. Ask questions about possible criminal records before marriage
  31. What is your ideal parenting model?
  32. My final thoughts on questions to ask before marriage

Questions to ask before marriage

One of the major complaints by married couples is that the people they married changed into someone else. The reason for this is that most people marry spouses that they know very little about. It is not clear whether this is as a result of shyness or even their desire to preserve that romantic mystery but most people end up marrying partners that they know little about. This is despite the fact that communication is one of the key factors that determine the success of a marriage. it is important for couples to engage in regular conversation before and even after marriage. There are so many questions that couples can ask one another. If you are unable to handle an issue prior to marriage, you will be left with no option but to handle it after marriage. It may be difficult to keep something as a secret for the many decades that the two of you will be together. If you plan to marry your boyfriend, it is important to know the issues that may cause a wedge between the two of you. No matter how deep your love may be now, there are certain issues that may bring conflict later in the marriage. This is why it is important to know your spouse well by asking all the right questions before marriage. Here is a list of 30 questions that you need to ask your partner before getting married to them. Once you engage in a conversation about these before entering into marriage, you will be in a position to prevent conflicts later on.

1. How do you handle conflict and stress?

Decades of family and marriage research has shown that conflicts are unavoidable in a marriage, no matter the kind of preparation the couple tries to do. The way you handle conflict is as important as the conflict itself. Ask your partner how they plan to handle conflict. Find out if they are the kind who holds conflict in their hearts leading to resentment. Are you the one who is always apologizing? Do they yell or prefer to find space for cooling down. Make sure you have a conversation concerning these issues before getting into marriage. The general view is that a healthy marriage is one where couples have honest and respectful conversation. There should not be any form of passive-aggressiveness, game playing, power tips and personal attacks. You should also carry an honest assessment of your own way of handling conflict to determine where there are things that you need to improve. There is no better time to know the true colors of your partner than when they are going through a stressing situation. How do they react when they get bad performance review at work or are stuck in traffic? During the early days of a relationship, each of the partners will restrain themselves and put their best foot forward. This may make us to believe that we are dating a perfect spouse wehen we are in preparation for marriage. However, it can also deny us an answer on the kind of person our spouse is. The many decades that we are bound to spend in life and marriage can cause a lot of pressure. The most important thing is on how you handle stress. Do you take this time to isolate and retreat or do you seek counseling? Do you connect and try to resolve the issues as a team?

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2. How much value do you place on sex?

Sex is very important in every marriage. Today, we have couples that look forward to being excited by their partners. In preparation for your marriage, you will need to seek answers on what your partner enjoy about sex. Ask them how often they plan to have sex. Find out if you are able to meet their expectations in sex. If not, you will need to have a discussion with your partner to ensure that both of you will be satisfied. There are those couples who choose to wait until marriage before they can engage in sexual intimacy. Even in such a situation, it is still important to discuss the role of sex in the relationship. What will happen if a partner's sex drive goes down either because of health and physical changes? What is the attitude of the partner towards pornography? How adventurous are you? Your partner? Is there a partner who has a sex drive that is significantly higher than that of the other? Is it okay for each of the partners to initiate? Is there a partner who is always trying to withhold sex as a form of power? How much is each of you ready to share about their past sexual encounters? When sex is good and enjoyable in a relationship, it can even mask other problems in the relationship. However, when it turns into a problem, there is need to seek answers on this. The sad thing is that this is not an easy topic and couples will only hold the conversation about it when the warning signs of a problem begin to occur. It is only when they go for counseling that they realize how wrong they waited without solving the problem.

3. Ask questions on the in-laws before marriage

Many counseling experts agree that the in-laws can be a major source of conflict in a marriage. This doesn’t mean that you should always be admiring the family of your spouse; it means that you need to ensure that you have a comfortable relationship with them. Find out the kind of relationship that your partner has with their parents. Is there conflict between anyone? Ask your partner the role that the in-laws will play for your future children. What will happen when parents from both sides become old and require care? What amount of care will you and your partner need to offer your parents? In most cases, you will realize that most of these disputes will occur during the planning stage of the wedding. You should not ignore them but you should take this as an opportunity for practicing. As long as you and your partner are united, bad relationships with in-laws can be well managed. However, if one of the spouses isn’t willing to address the issue with their parents, this may serve as a source of conflict in the marriage. According to counselors, you should consider the strengths and weaknesses of the parents from both sides. This can help to identify any future patterns or even distancing in the relationship.

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4. Do you expect me to change anything?

There are chances that there are things that your partner doesn’t like about you. The strange thing is that your spouse may be afraid of having a conversation with you because they do not know how you will react to the questions. Why don’t you bring up the issue yourself by asking them if there is something he doesn’t like about you? You will be amazed by the things that you will hear. Don’t be surprised if your partner says that he has always found you to be a bit selfish. He may even say that he has always found you to be irresponsible with money. If you don’t handle these issues now, you can be assured that they will be a source of conflict in the future. Therefore, go ahead and ask him about those things that he doesn’t like about you. Have a conversation with them and see whether there is something you can do about them before getting into the marriage. On the other side, you will also need to share honestly with your partner the things that you don’t like about them.

5. Ask questions on your handling of money issues in marriage

Money issues are some of the greatest sources of conflicts in a marriage. The fact that the two of you were brought up in different backgrounds means that you have different views and expectations in the areas of money and debt. Money is usually tied to an emotional importance and can have a lot of weight. This is because it is usually associated with security, autonomy, freedom, status and power. The more time that you will take discussing about money, the more honest you will be about each other and what both of you will bring to the table in terms of the attitudes towards money. What does your partner think about financial self-sufficiency? Does he expect each of you to keep their accounts secret? It is also important for each of you to disclose whether they have any debt. If there is a huge discrepancy between you and your partner, you can both create a basic budget that will be according to the proportional income. While finances are crucial, many couples don’t discuss this topic. Ask your partner how much money he or she might be willing to spend on shoes, car or home furniture. Purchasing a car is one of the key indicators that can help you to determine the spending habits of your partner. You can also frame this question and instead ask your partner the highest amount of money they have recklessly spent.

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6. Will you need any time alone? Do you have a problem if I require my own free time?

There are certain areas of life that couples hope to maintain their autonomy even after marriage. Your partner may not be willing to share their friends or hobbies and this can cause tension as well as feelings of rejection if it wasn’t discussed in preparation for the marriage. The expectations of the couple on what remains private s may also be different and it is important to discuss this too. This can be a source of conflict even though you never thought it would be a major source. Before getting into the marriage, he may be used to spending 4 hours over the weekend playing golf. When you get into a marriage, you will definitely want him to spend time with the family. You may also need time to go for shopping or even visit your mum. So, how does your style fit with his? When there is understanding and respect in a marriage, some of these big differences can be avoided.

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7. Do you have a past problem with alcohol, drugs and gambling?

There is no denying that issues with gambling and substance abuse can come up in the marriage. There are many homes that have broken up as a result of these issues. Many of the partners in these broken homes confess that they could see the signs of future problems with addiction but failed to acknowledge them or even talk about them. Probably, this was as a result of denial or fear. In other instances, young couples in preparation for marriage may dismiss the problem of drug and alcohol abuse as partying. When two toddlers come into the marriage, it will no longer be a laughing matter to see your partner stagger into your home at 3.00 A.M in the morning. You will not also be amused to find that your partner has gambled away the house rent. This is why you should critically look at your partner and whether they have a problem with substance abuse or gambling. While you may think that these issues should be ignored to avoid conflicts in preparation for marriage, the earlier that you will be in a position to address them the better.

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8. Ask questions before marriage on your relationship as housemates

When most couples describe their miserable marriages during counseling, they usually conclude that they are living as housemates rather than lovers. However, it is still important to find answers on whether both of you will get along well as housemates. You will need to agree on the temperature that you should maintain in the home or how your sleep schedule will work out. You will also need to agree on issues on decorating styles, cleanliness, chores, pets, guests as well as preparation of food. You should agree on who will be paying bills such as house rent, leaked toilet etc. Ensure that you have a conversation on all these issues.

9. Ask questions about kids before marriage

This is an area where nearly all couples agree that they should hold a conversation about. And we also agree that it can be very important. You will need to agree whether both of you are comfortable having kids. One of you may be comfortable with one kid while the other one may be aiming to fill the home with a football team. You need to only speak about your kind of preferences but to determine the amount of wriggle room that each of you has. What will happen if one of you would like to stop after one kid? What are your thoughts about adoption? What if you do not conceive despite the two of you wanting kids in their lives? What will happen when you feel that you would like to become a stay-at-home mum? Are these are important considerations that you will need to discuss with your partner.

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10. How will our experiences with our ex affect our marriage?

There are studies that show that couples who had several serious relationships are more likely to experience extra marital affairs in their marriage. These studies show that the chances of divorce among couples are still high. This may be probably because of you or your partner having more experience in breakups. Your partner may also compare you with his past unfavorable partners. This is why it is important for the partners to hold a conversation about previous relationships in preparation for marriage.

11. What value do you put on religion?

If the two of you are from diverse religious backgrounds, will each of you pursue a different religious affiliation? How about the kids? Which religion will they join? This is one of the areas that counseling experts advise that a couple should have a serious discussion about. Therapists suggest that couples are more likely to have a conflict over religion once the children come into the picture.

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12. How much should we be willing to share about relationships with others?

You will need to have a clear idea of how much you are willing to share about your relationship with family and friends. Will you end up feeling that I have spilled the beans when I talk about our sexual intimacy issues with my best friends? Will there be a problem if I seek marital advice from my mum? There isn’t a good answer on how much the two of you should share with your family and friends. The most important thing is to ensure that both of you are on the same page.

13. How much value do you place in your job and what would happen if you are fired or transferred?

There is no denying that promotions, pay cuts, burnouts, transfers and corporate mergers can all change the employment status of a person in a short time. Is there a partner who has a dominant job by prestige, salary, passion or the number of hours worked? If they didn’t have their job any longer either voluntarily or not, what will the other partner do? Do you have any expectations on who among us should make more money or who will stay at home with the children? It is not possible to spell everything completely in advance. However, the more you are able to acknowledge your expectations, your hopes and how you plan to handle any change in plan, the more prepared you will be for any conflict that may arise. This is why you need answers for this question.

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14. Are you okay with my closeness to others?

Flirtation styles with coworkers and emotional intimacy levels with outsiders can vary from one person to another. Would you mind if you found me texting my colleagues emojis while I am next to you in bed? Would you mind if I have lunch with ex without telling me in advance? It is important for a couple to define for themselves what they are or aren’t comfortable with. If you pretend that these issues will disappear magically, the more you will be setting yourself up for betrayal.

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15. Do you have any expectations on where we should live geographically?

In their adulthood, people can move a lot. There are even studies that show that this can happen more than before. However, counseling experts say that there is a settling down that come with marriage that exposes a wrong assumption that had previously being long-hidden on where someone would like to settle. You may be surprised to find that your partner always assumed that you would move to the opposite coast to be close to his parents after getting children. There is no problem with that as long as the two of you are okay. However, if one of you has a firm decision that the other partner doesn’t agree with, this can be a source of conflict for the couple. This is why you need to seek answers to this question.

16. How much value do you put in my personal upkeep?

Most women go to extra length to look good when going for the first, second or even fourth date. When you get into a marriage, you will find yourself running an errand that will leave you sweating. Nothing can bring comfort in a marriage than knowing that your partner loved you for who you are and not for your beautiful face. However, we cannot deny the fact there are couples whose relationship is going through a lot of strain due to a change in their appearance. This could be as a result of anything from physical fitness to hygiene, from choice of clothing to hairstyle and facial changes. In the ideal situation, by the time you will be getting married, you will have seen each other in your best as well as worst. But what will happen if things change for the worse after the marriage commitment has been made? Will you be willing to speak to one another about each other's bodies? Will your spouse's opinion sway your decisions when it comes to your clothes and hairstyle?

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17. What is the one thing that you lover most about me?

This is one of the questions that will give you ideas of how he feels about the relationship. You should be surprised if instead of giving you compliments, he provides a more practical support and strength that he gains from the relationship. The answer you will get is a clear indication as to whether he considers you to be important in his life or not.

18. Ask questions about goals before marriage

There is nothing better than being in a relationship with someone who is passionate about their dreams and goals. You will need to set goals, pursue your dreams and create new dreams if you are to be successful in life. While you don’t have to anticipate every single detail of his goals, you will need to check to determine whether he is an ambitious man or not. When they explain to you about their goals, ask him if he has plans to create new ones

19. Who among my friends do you respect most and why?

We can’t do without friends. To find out about the attitude of your partner towards your friends you can seek an answer for this question. While we may not have to get along well with our partner’s friends, it is always good to ensure that there is a certain level of respect that is maintained.

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20. What is that one thing that you cannot do without in life?

This is a key question that can help you to determine the critical things in your partner’s life. There are certain things that we need to have if we are to feel all right. Likewise, we also have crucial items that our partners need to respect and learn how to work with. In order to develop a good relationship, it is important to identify those things our partner values and respect their decisions. This is why it is important to seek answers to these questions.

21. What should I do to make you feel loved?

A common mistake that couples make is to assume that the same way we show love to our partners, it is the same way they should show to us. While everything usually falls under 5 categories of love languages-quality time, physical touch, acts of service, affirmation words and giving gifts, it is rare to have two people have common top languages.

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22. Who did what chore when growing up?

This is one of the topics that couples rarely talk about. For most couples, it doesn’t matter whether the dad did the cooking or mom paid the bill. But what they don’t realize is how this affects your view on responsibilities in the relationship. This question can help a couple to determine their expectations on sharing responsibilities in the home. In case you grew up in an environment where you dad mowed the lawn while your mum spent her time in the kitchen or took the kids to school, this is the same thing that you will expect in a relationship. However, you will need to remember that each of you grew in different backgrounds. How you do things while dating may not determine how you will do them in a marriage.

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23. Do you think we are both growing psychologically or emotionally?

This may sound like an ambiguous question. However, the counseling experts think otherwise and agree that it is one of the critical questions that couples should discuss in preparation for their marriage. Therefore, you will need to seek answers for this question even as you check your feelings to find out if the two of you have become stagnant. Some of the areas that you need to assess include how you express your love, your mode of communication and anything you need to feel cared for when in such a situation.

24. What are your thoughts on couples counseling?

At times, differences in a relationship may threaten to get out of hand. When these threaten to cause a breakup, they should be referred to a therapist. However, you will need to get answers from your partner in preparation for marriage on whether they see the value of counseling. A common mistake that most couples make is to rely on family friends and relatives for their counseling. This is on top of waiting until the marriage is almost breaking up to get support.

25. What value did your family put on birthday celebrations?

This question can be important particularly if you haven’t been together for long and this means that you have celebrated many birthdays together. Many people view birthdays not only as an opportunity to celebrate someone’s birth but also as a sign of appreciation and love for the people we love. Therefore, if you would like to save yourself from a fight in future, find out the value that your potential spouse put in these celebrations.

26. Ask questions on PDA before marriage ?

Public display of affection is one area that couples can have a great difference of opinion. You may expect your partner to show you love even in public. Your partner, on the other hand, may be a reserved person who doesn’t like much attention. Talking about this issue as part of the marriage preparation can help to solve any disagreements that may arise in marriage.

27. What would you consider to be a deal breaker?

Some partners won't entertain cheating in a relationship. Others would get angry if they found you chatting with your ex on Facebook. These are some of the issues that may cause serious problems in a relationship if they are not handled early enough.

28. Why did you choose to get married?

That may sound like a weird question. However, people have different reasons why they get married. There are those who do so for financial security, loneliness, pregnancy or simply wanting to get off their family home. It is important to seek answers from your partner so as to avoid any questions that may arise in future.

29. Ask questions about possible criminal records before marriage

In this age and era, finding out whether your partner has a criminal record is of outmost important. Who wants to get married to a convict on the run? You may also not want to get married to a criminal who has been convicted of murder or rape before. Seek answers to this question to determine whether this is the right person to get married to.

What is your ideal parenting model?

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The way you bring up your kids will have an impact on the kind of people they become. There are those who choose to bring them up in the Christian faith while other opts to raise their kids in an atheist’s background. However, studies show that children who are brought up without the knowledge of God are likely to rebel later in life. This is probably because there are no ethics that are instilled in them. You will need to discuss with your partner how they would like to bring up their children. This is not only in the matter of religion but other things such as discipline, career choice and much more.

My final thoughts on questions to ask before marriage

Knowing your partner well before marriage can give you an idea of the kind of person that you will be marrying. While it may not be possible to change a mature person, you can get a rough idea of the challenges to expect in your marriage and whether you are ready to withstand these challenges.

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Gerald Matiri