You just found out that your wife has cheated on you! What next now?
Your entire world comes down shattering when you find out that your sweet and pretty wife has cheated on you. The information takes time to sink in and then follows by rage, anger, jealousy and even violence at times. But finally, when you have accepted the fact that your wife did cheat on you, the next big question lurks in your mind. What next? Should you divorce her? What about the kids? How can you let her go when you still love her? You hate yourself for still loving her, in spite of her infidelity, you still want her back. She was and has always been your best friend.Your mind might be in a turmoil and all you feel like doing is to strangle her or undo the past. How you wish that you had never come to know about it. The following lists will guide you further on how to deal with your emotions when you have found out that your wife has cheated on you.
1. Your wife is asking for an apology
If your wife is ashamed of her behavior and is asking for an apology, then you should consider her appeal. Everyone deserves a second chance. Allow her to explain - what made her do it, who was the guy or girl, and where did they meet up? Does she not find you attractive or desirable any more? Understand and deeply think about what she has to say. If it's just a one night stand of a weak moment, then she may deserves another chance. If she did it because she no longer feels about you the same way, then you should reconsider your decision to take her back. If she promises you again and again that it wont be repeated, then perhaps you should try to trust her again.
2. Snoop on wife for some time
Doing so will be the best thing to do next once you find out that your wife has cheated on you. You don't have to be overly suspicious but just keep a random or a surprise check on her whereabouts just to make sure whether she is being faithful or not. This practice will also put your mind to rest and you will be able to forget the incident in a few years. You can randomly check her texts, letter, browsing history, phone bills or other whereabouts but do not get too deep into it, else you will end up ruining your mental peace. Make sure you do the snooping discretely or you will end up making a fool of yourself.
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3. If your wife has cheated on you, sex can wait
Sex could be out of the question when you have just found out that your wife has cheated on you. It is quite normal to feel remorseful and you don't have to jump into sex immediately in order to take her back. Most men feel that how can they touch a woman who has been touched by someone else. Just consider the same for yourself. If it were you in her place then wouldn't you want her to forgive you? Do not be biased in your decisions and think liberally. Anyone can make this mistake. Give sex a lot of time. Do it only when you feel the same for her like before and have forgiven her completely.
4. Wife has cheated? Still think before jumping into divorce!
Think practically. A small illicit affair should not cost you your marriage. Even you could have done this mistake. Go by your instincts and judge whether your wife is being genuinely guilty or just faking it. You and your heart will be the best judge of the situation. Of course is she has openly admitted to you about having feelings for someone else then staying in the marriage is foolishness no matter how much you still love her. Think about the kids, their future and your wife's demands after a divorce and plan logically. Though you are going through an emotional upheavel, you need to decide with an open mind.
5. Confide in your friends and well-wishers
You are going through a marriage crisis and your best friend will be able to help you sail smoothly through this rough phase. Often how you feel or think about your love is quite different as to what your best friend thinks about her. A third person will always have an unbiased view of your wife's character and will be able to give you a genuine advice in the scenario. You might be to besotted by your wife to see her fake or untrue behaviour. Ask your friends opinion but give it a lot of thought. Try to see things from a fresh perspective.
6. You can consider a divorce too
Though it's going to be a very disturbing and tough decision, you have all the rights to divorce your wife if you cannot forgive her for her infidelity. But before taking this decision, you must genuinely try to forgive her and try staying with her just like before. You might just forget everything and be glad that you forgave her after a few years. Do not hastily take a decision but give it a lot of thought. Try living separately for a few weeks just to know how life without her would be like. Your decision should never be based on just one act of infidelity. If you feel that she wont change or life with her would never be the same again only then should you consider a divorce.
7. Relieve mental stress with physical activity
This might sound absurd, but physical activity does help you feel better. It will help you release some relaxing hormones, help you deviate your anger and anxiety in other fields and you will be able to cope up better with your wife's infidelity. You could join a gym, do some body building, go for walks or indulge in some hobby that you like. Getting your mind occupied in other activites will help you think less about the event and concentrate in other things.
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8. You miss your best friend even if she has cheated on you
This clearly indicates that your wife has been your best friend too and you can afford to forgive her once for her unfaithful behavior. Staying separetly from her for a few months or sulking in her company or staying angry with her is making you feel miserable inside and you feel you need to talk to her, then its an indication that you still love her and cannot live without her. Talk to her again and again and make her realize how much her act has made you feel hurt and seek promises again and again from her that it wont ever crop up again in your married life.
9. If you take her back, then never keep reminding her about it again and again
After you have finally made peace with yourself and the incident and feel that you cannot live without her and decide to take her back with you, then do not rebuke or humiliate her again and again about the incident. Remember, continuously doing so will make her angry eventually and leave you. She will only be guilty for sometime after which anger or hopelessness will take over. Forgive her and move on. Just consider it as a bad dream or a rough phase in your life and try to put the disturbing past behind you.
10. If she has cheated repeatedly, you can consider separation
If you have found out that your wife has not once, not twice but repeatedly cheated on you, then its time to leave her. There is no point in staying married then even though you still love her, consider her your best friend or want to take her back. Staying married will always keep you suspicious of her activities, lead to frequent fights and never let you stay happily with her. Though the decision would be tough, you will have to take it and you can continue staying best friends with her.
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If your wife has repeatedly cheated you then she clearly does not love you. No matter how many further promises she makes there is no point and no trust in the relationship. Would you do the same to someone you love? Would you cheat that person again and again? You might be confused about taking the decision of a divorce as you might still love her but deciding to stay in such a marriage would only give you heart break and tensions. If you want to continue staying married because of the kids, then definitely there might be other ways of dealing with them. Talk to a good marriage counselor to help you sort out your mess. Who knows someones faithful and loving is waiting somewhere for you. Your kids would eventually understand and forgive you for separating. You cannot live a life of emotional trauma for the sake of your kids. An unhappy father will never be able to give his kids a happy life.
Life could be tough after you come accross such an incident but remember nothing stays the same for long. Think with an open mind, be liberal in your thoughts and never be biased in your decisions. You have to analyze your wife's intentions. Did she think she could cheat you forever? Or did she brave the courage to end her affair and honestly confide into you? The latter obviously means that she is guilty of what happened and you should give her another chance. But if you found out about her illicit affair by a third person or by chance yourself, then you do need a lot of thinking to do. If your wife has admitted that your sexual life sucks and thats why she went elsewhere to seek sexual satisfaction, then as a man its very tough to take it gracefully.
Your ego might be bruised. But instead you could ask her clearly about her desires and needs, try to change yourself for her or even visit a sexologist with her. There is no harm in doing so if it makes her happy.