How To Not Be Clingy: 10 Rules To Follow In Relationship

You probably remember when your romantic relationship just started; you and your boyfriend/girlfriend were like barnacles sticking to each other. It was as if no one could tear you apart, admit it. But as your relationship progressed, such moments became lesser and lesser and you realized your partner has more things to think about than just you. And s/he spends time with other friends and you get jealous. Well, if you think this is out of the ordinary, bad news for you! You might be a clingy person and that’s not healthy in a relationship. Know that it is only natural and normal for both you and your boyfriend/girlfriend to spend too much time with each other during the courtship stage, but you also have to keep in mind that as the relationship lasts longer, it gets serious. It won’t be just about cuddles, hugs and kisses, or cheesy sweetness anymore. You will eventually go back to your normal lives — having to achieve your own aspirations, having to go to work every day, spending time with other people, being busy, and the list goes on.

Just because you get into a relationship doesn’t mean your whole life should have to change and that it should only revolve around your partner. Your boyfriend/girlfriend is there for inspiration, motivation, and support. Your romantic life is just an additional happiness to your life. If you are the type who thinks it is okay for one person to give up everything else to be always available for the relationship, you are a clingy person. Mind you, being clingy can be stressful and can make you develop too much insecurity, or worse, it can lead to your relationship's demise. Here are 10 rules you should follow to stop being clingy and to have a healthy, balanced relationship.

There is a saying that two people become one unit when they get into a romantic relationship. However, this doesn’t mean that your life will have to become your boyfriend/girlfriend’s life or the other way around. You do not have to be beside your partner 24/7 because he/she is not there to be your source of life. Just reading about it probably has you feeling suffocated already, don’t you think? Do not drag your partner along to every one of your affairs — family gatherings, late night parties with friends, even work! Remember that they have their own schedules and personal matters to attend to because they’re human beings, just like you. They have their own responsibilities and needs to satisfy. Make your boyfriend/girlfriend a part of your life instead of making them your WHOLE life. Do not treat them as something that only fulfills your emotional needs as they will eventually get tired and might leave the relationship. Even when one is in a romantic relationship, there will really be times when you still need to have your own space to unwind.

Imagine you are being told to take your interests and hobbies for granted so you can focus on other things — perhaps, some work — that you don’t really like. How would you feel? You would feel annoyed and controlled, right? You’d feel as if you don’t have the right to live a life of your own. Well, guess what? That is what your partner would feel too if you force him/her be too interested in only the things you are involved in. When you are in a shopping mall together, do you allow your boyfriend to go to other stores to check out some technology stuff he is amazed at, or do you tell him to stay with you in a boutique store until you finish deciding what clothes you’re going to buy because you don’t want to lose sight of him? If you’re doing the latter, you are a clingy girlfriend. And if a man does the same, then he too is a clingy boyfriend. Allow your partner to enjoy their own interests and hobbies even if these are sometimes not to your liking. Just because the things they are amazed at are entirely different from yours doesn’t mean they think you’re boring or they don’t love you. It’s good to share with them what you love, but when you force your partner to love only what you do, then it’s a different story.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in your relationship is to completely lose yourself — giving up everything you dreamed of and aspired to be just so you can always be available to meddle in your boyfriend/girlfriend’s business. Watch out, because this is one of the signs of having a clingy personality. Just like how you should allow your partner to have their own interests and hobbies, you should have your own too. Do not be consumed by his/her personal life and always remember that you have your own life to live. It is always okay to support each other’s goals, but if you give your full focus only on the other person’s needs, you are bound to destroy the relationship, and eventually yourself. Keep in mind that your boyfriend/girlfriend fell in love with you in the first place because of who you are and the things you can do. Your partner got into the relationship with you because they know you’re living your life well. You have to love and prioritize yourself and your needs first before you can support another human being; otherwise, you are just being clingy.

If you are being clingy and you are aware of it, the most probable cause of your behavior is because you are not feeling secure about yourself. So, you tend to always want your boyfriend/girlfriend by your side so they won't lose interest in you. Well, you have to know that by keeping your partner literally close will not in any way stop them from losing interest if that time comes. Rather, you are suffocating him/her and that might make them want to leave you even more. You have to learn to feel secure about your whole self so you would not have to worry about your lover falling out of love. You have to show them what a confident person you are. Make your boyfriend/girlfriend want you more by showing your charisma and your charm. Be the person you are comfortable with instead of trying to be one your partner prefers. If you are secure with whoever you are, you won't have to feel jealous of other people s/he associates with and you’ll be confident enough to think that you have a healthy relationship. You would not stress yourself out imagining what your partner is up to whenever you’re not together.

Your partner is not a robot; they’re a human being who has a mind of their own. You should never try to control what is going to happen in your romantic relationship. If you are the type of boyfriend/girlfriend who wants their partner to stop what they are doing so they can give you attention, then you are a controlling, clingy person. Nobody wants to stay long with a person like that. You might also think that you are doing your partner a favor if you are always the one who plans your date nights, or who decides when you should hang out without considering his/her schedule first. In reality, they'll think you are annoying and inconsiderate.

Try not to invade your partner’s space. Do not be the one who decides what they should do in their free time just so you can make yourself feel secure. When your boyfriend/girlfriend’s not with you, do not call them repeatedly to ask them what they’re up to. Let them have their own free time and their own way.

You may sometimes find yourself always updating and texting him about what is going on in your life. If that is what you both want, that’s okay. However, if you are doing that because you expect for your partner to do the same, that is where it becomes bad for you. Even if you are in a relationship with your partner, you need to learn that he/she still has his/her own privacy and it’s their right if there are things they choose not to tell you. Furthermore, there are girlfriends/boyfriends who want to talk to their partners for hours on the phone. This is normal at the beginning of the relationship when the two of you can’t get enough of each other. But know that as the relationship progresses, it’s normal that the duration of the calls will lessen because both of you are going back to their normal lives. Just because your partner says “bye” to you earlier doesn’t mean they don’t love you anymore. That kind of thinking is just a result of your clingy personality. You don’t always have to talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend. You should find things to do to keep yourself occupied so that you won’t feel restless. The more you pester your partner, the more they’ll stay away from you.

This rule is mainly for the ladies who have the tendency to always act weak so their boyfriends will give them attention. Our men love it when we treat them as our heroes; it feeds their pride to know that they can give their women protection. However, ladies, let’s not take advantage of this. Know that it is okay to ask help from our men when we really need them. But if it gets to the point where it seems we can’t do anything for ourselves anymore, we turn annoying. And too much of this kind of behavior means we are being too clingy. Our men love to protect us, but they also love confident and strong women too. We have to find a balance. Oftentimes, they even find it sexy when we refuse their help. Don’t always be the damsel in distress just to get your boyfriends’ attention.

When we have a clingy personality, it is only natural that we get jealous easily too. But however natural it is, jealousy is unhealthy in a romantic relationship, especially if it’s too much. Why is it unhealthy? If you are a clingy and jealous person, the tendency is you would keep your partner away from other people — colleagues, friends, and yes, even family — because you think they are your rivals for your lover’s attention. When you see your boyfriend/girlfriend talking to someone of the opposite gender, you get jealous and feel insecure because you are afraid he/she might fall in love with that person. And there may be times like this even at work; you’d call your boyfriend/girlfriend countless times to check if they’re really working or just flirting with colleagues. You get jealous when he/she spends time with peers so you’ll find flaws in their friends to convince your partner that they’re bad influences. You don’t even have to experience having this kind of person in your life to say that this behavior is toxic to everyone. So, why would you do it to your partner? Let them mingle with other people. Instead of feeling jealous, try to get to know their colleagues and make friends with his peers. Be close to your partner’s family and make their parents see that you bring positivity to their son/daughter; or better yet, spend time with your own friends when he/she does.

If you try too hard to make your relationship perfect by keeping watch on your partner’s actions all the time to make sure he/she is not doing something wrong, you are not doing them a favor. Rather, you are just being clingy. Allow them to fall and pick themselves up on their own. You exist to support him/her, not to order them around. There would also be times where both of you will disagree with each other and you’ll feel stressed about it. These kind of situations are just normal. The last thing you should do is make the situation worse by making your partner feel guilty and act as if you are the only one who got hurt so they would submit to you, right? If that sounds controlling and a bit manipulative to you, it’s because that’s what those behaviors really are. This kind of behavior is not at all trying to make your relationship perfect; instead, you’re making it into something that would fit only your liking. You'd want everything to happen the way you want them to, completely disregarding your partner’s feelings.

You have to accept that perfect relationships don’t exist and there will always be things that you and your partner won’t agree on. If you are really bothered by something, what you should do is to have your partner sit with you and talk about your troubles as maturely as possible. Of course, you shouldn’t do all of the talking; you have to be the listener too. Try to resolve whatever’s wrong in the relationship together instead of being the one manipulating the other.

Do not ever make the mistake of taking yourself for granted — forgetting your own goals, disregarding your aspirations, isolating yourself from peers and family, forgetting about your needs — to be always available for your partner. If you’re the type who thinks such actions are okay, you are bound for trouble, and all because of you being clingy with your boyfriend/girlfriend. In fact, you have to improve and love yourself more because you are not just working for only your future anymore, but both you and your partner’s. You need each other to be successful in life to achieve total happiness in your relationship while it lasts. You need to know that you develop a clingy attitude because you have nothing else to put your focus on besides your partner and everything he/she does. And when you see him/her achieving things, you get jealous of the life they’re living resulting to you pulling your partner down.

Do not let your life revolve around your boyfriend/girlfriend. Live your own life and enjoy your own interests and hobbies. Spend time with your friends and family instead of pushing them away. Grow together with your lover and help each other to the top. You don’t have to completely give up your own needs to show people that you love your partner. Respect yourself because that is what will make your partner love you even more. When they see how amazing and confident you are as you live your life, you don’t even have to be clingy to make them stay because they will always spare time for you.