Real Life Stories: Women Share Their Stories Of Losing Virginity

Sex is not something to be ashamed about, but it is very personal and sometimes embarrassing to discuss or ask others about. Although, I generally try not to burst anyone's bubbles, the reality of the matter is--- sex is awkward the first few times. Even in the most romantic of situations, when you have sex for the first time, you're not going to know what to do. You may bump teeth while going in for a kiss, noises may be emitted unexpectedly, he may get sore and have to change positions, sweat may drip from the tip of his nose directly into your mouth (gag!), etc. While you should be careful in deciding when the right time is to lose your virginity and who your first partner will be, when you get ready to "do the deed", try not to take yourself so seriously that you are unable to enjoy the connection between you and your partner. It won't be perfect, but under the right circumstances, it will be a fun and sweet memory to look back on.

When I asked these women to share their stories about losing their virginity, they asked that I keep their identities anonymous in the article because they have husbands and children and PTA members in their lives that could possibly see this article and it might make things a little awkward. However, they were happy to do it because they all agree, it is so important that young women get the full scope of what it is like to lose your virginity so you can make well-informed decisions and hopefully learn from the mistakes of others. Often times, our peers in high school and college will sugarcoat their sexual experiences to make themselves look good. As a result, there can be a lot of shame associated with sex if things don't turn out as beautifully or as erotically as we believed they were supposed to be. As you get older, you will find that your peers will eventually become more confident and honest about how awkward their sex lives were in the beginning, but when we are younger, we all tend to exaggerate our sexual prowess and bedroom skills to avoid being made fun of. The women I interviewed are all married now and have been for awhile. Having sex with the same partner over the span of several years makes a huge difference in how secure we are in our sexual abilities. Being in a committed and monogamous sexual relationship not only keeps us safe from worrying about STD's, but it also gives us a chance to experiment with someone who has vowed to love us no matter what, even when our sexual performance does not turn out as glamorous as Cosmo told us it was going to be when we tried that one move that one time and it ended up being an epic failure...ahem, just me?  After experiencing the trial and error process that comes with keeping things alive in the bedroom and still being loved and desired by their partners who have been there through their most embarrassing sexual episodes, these women have gained enough confidence to publicly share the good, the bad and the ugly truths about how things really went down and how unglamorous their first attempts were. However, to protect their identities, they are doing so under fake names because there are just some things your mother-in-law shouldn't know about you....

When Olivia, lost her virginity, it was consensual and somewhat planned. It occurred the day before Valentine's Day when she was 17. Before she and her boyfriend had sex for the first time, they had been dating for three years. "We wrote each other when I was 14-15, talked on the phone from 15 until 16 (when he was allowed to come to the house). My mom was very strict. We had sex at his older brothers house. It was as romantic as two country teenagers could imagine! He offered me cake and we watched BET videos before and during the deed. He went down on me and it felt like he was there FOREVER. I was getting a little bored because I had never done it, but it felt weird. The initial entry was uncomfortable...I just didn't know what to do. I thought I loved him so I just laid there." Reflecting back on the romantic details of eating cake and watching BET, she said, "What I saw on 'All My Children' (soap opera) would have been nice." She described the ending of their relationship as an epic break up: "We broke up the beginning of the summer. He told me if I went off to college that he would break-up with me." When he gave her the ultimatum, she claimed that it really wasn't that hard of a decision. "My Momma's mind was made up. I was going to leave whether I wanted to or not." After their epic break up and time apart, she said, "we actually got together during college but at that time I had more experience and it took one time for him not to get an invite back."

Olivia's experience of losing her virginity was not too bad in comparison to other stories because she experienced losing it to someone who was also inexperienced and someone she thought she loved, however, now that Olivia is married, she says that she does wish she had waited until marriage. "Emotionally, it complicates the dynamics of the relationship and we do things out of obligation instead of desire," Olivia said. As a result of having diverse sexual experiences, she says that she believes it can raise one's interest in experiencing others sexually and might hinder your enjoyment of having a monogamous sex life with your spouse. As far as advice goes, Olivia thinks it is important for young women to know that when they are thinking about losing their virginity, that "the connection is not in the act and waiting allows you to be more connected with yourself. It's essential to know you and your value without being defined by an act or by others."

While many women are able to reflect on losing their virginity as a comical and awkward episode, there are many women who wish the details of how they lost their virginity could be completely erased from their memory. Sometimes, they may not even have any recollection of the episode at all if they drink heavily enough or get drugged. When young girls go to parties where there is alcohol, drugs and older men, it often ends up being a night of poor decisions and regret. Marie reflects on the details of the night she lost her virginity and wishes she could go back in time to warn herself against the decisions she made. When Marie was 13-years-old, she was walking home through a neighborhood close to her house when her friend's older sister's boyfriend, who was almost 18, called out to her from her friend's house and invited her to a party they were throwing that night. She excitedly accepted his invitation and walked home. Later that night, she snuck out of her house and went to the party. As it turned out, her friend and their family were out of town and the guy who invited her was house-sitting. "It wasn't much of a party, just a few guy friends and me. Not even sure if there were any other girls. I drank a lot and smoked weed for the first time and he took me upstairs to his girlfriend's bed. He told me that she wasn't his girlfriend and that they were just friends. Most of it was a fog, but I remember there being a lot of pain and blood on the sheets. I also remember feeling nauseous and crampy the next day and being scared because I was worried something might be wrong with me. I went back the next day and he pretty much acted like he didn't know me. I was really hurt because, in my 13-year-old head, he obviously really liked me if he wanted to have sex with me. His friend later told his girlfriend and she threatened to beat my ass. There was a lot of drama and I was scared and emotional. I went to the doctor to get on birth control. My doctor told me to be careful because it [having sex multiple times and long-term use of birth control pills] could cause [cervical] cancer with me being so young and underdeveloped and I, of course, took it as I was likely going to get cancer. When yelling with his girlfriend, I yelled to her that he probably gave me cancer and she told him, his little brother and everyone else. I got bullied on the bus by his younger brother and others because of it. It was a really traumatic and embarrassing experience." In light of her experience, Marie says she thinks the best advice she can give to young girls is to avoid being alone if they are going to a party because it may become a dangerous situation. She said the best thing to do is to, "Make sure a friend is there...and if you feel uncomfortable, leave." Now that Marie is happily married, she says she regrets her past sexual history and wishes she had made better choices. Her advice to girls who are thinking about losing their virginity by having pre-marital sex is to listen to the lyrics of the Bruno Mars song, "If I Knew." In the song, he sings: "I wouldn't have done All the things that I have done If I knew one day you would come."

If one day you hope to get married, try to be mindful while "sowing your wild oats". Keep in mind that one day you might have a significant other that you want to marry and your past sexual history will eventually come up in conversation. Although that partner may not place a lot of importance on whether or not you are a virgin and you may not expect them to be one either, having a high number of "notches in your lipstick case" is likely to make that uncomfortable conversation even more uncomfortable. While you could just lie about all of the details, when you find that special someone you want to spend your life with, not only can it be damaging to your relationship if that person were to find out, but holding onto secrets can take a toll on your overall sense of self-worth. Waiting until marriage may not be as common today as it used to be in American society, but that doesn't mean you can't give it a shot. There is nothing wrong with being selective about who you give your body to. Try to wait until you find someone who loves you enough to treat you with respect and will be gentle and sweet when you are ready to have sex for the first time. Whether you wait for marriage or not, try to love yourself enough to give yourself the gift of having sweet memories to look back on.

    Although many young women lose their virginity in high school, some young women make the choice to hold off from having sex either because they are focusing on making good grades and trying to decide on what college to go to or because they have high standards and want their first time to be special.  It can be tough to hold your ground in high school, but there is nothing wrong with having high standards, especially when it comes to losing your virginity.     
     Tania held her ground in high school because she was a high achiever academically and had goals she wanted to accomplish, so she decided to wait to have sex. She said she had originally planned to wait until marriage, "not for religious reasons, but just because I was planning to. I believed that you should wait for love or marriage and that virginity was sacred." She dated a little in college the first few years, but stayed focused on her studies for the most part. Close to the end of her senior year in college, she met someone who she felt a strong connection with and they fell in love. After they had been dating awhile, she decided she was ready.
     The night it happened, she said she went over to his place and "he had candles and all set up." However, she admitted, it was not all romance. "The pain made it awkward and also trying to figure out what to do on my end." After they had sex for the first time, they continued dating and he asked her to marry him. She didn't share what happened exactly, but said, "It didn't work out because the resentment I had due to a situation that occurred. I think I did the right thing [waiting until she was older before losing her virginity]. I dated a lot in high school but it never led to much other than kissing. My parents also were strict, so technically, you wait until marriage. Maybe years later I regretted it, just because it didn't work out. They make it such a big deal when you're younger, but it's worth waiting for." Her advice for young women that are thinking about having sex for the first time is:
"There is no need to rush being sexually intimate with people. You have your whole entire life ahead of you. Focus on school and being the best you can be because having sex also means you need to be responsible and be able to provide for a baby in case."

Jennifer's story about how she lost her virginity was what most young women hope for. She was actually able to wait to have sex until her wedding night, which, in my opinion is a big deal since we live in such a hypersexualized society. She and her husband met at a concert at her church when she was 15 and he was 17. At the concert, their pastor was discussing the importance of staying "pure" and was giving out purity rings to those who pledged to wait until their wedding night to have sex. They both signed the pledge and remained virgins throughout high school and college. She admits it wasn't always easy and recalls episodes where they would have to walk away to cool off when things got too hot and heavy. When describing their relationship Jennifer says, "a lot of my friends that signed the pledge to stay pure would try to find loopholes and experimented with things like manual stimulation and oral sex. We decided we would just stick to making out because most of those friends that were trying new things ended up being unsuccessful because they would get caught up in the moment and lost their virginity." Jennifer and her boyfriend both went to the same college, but instead of staying in student housing on campus, they both decided to stay at home with her parents to save money for a house and to avoid the temptation of having college dorm sex. When he graduated two years before her, they got engaged and bought a small fixer-upper. They continued living with their parents and working while Jennifer finished school and on the weekends they would work on repairing and renovating their home together. They avoided spending too much time alone there and always finished before dinner time so they wouldn't be tempted to be alone at night together in their new home. By the time Jennifer graduated, they had both saved up enough money to pay for their wedding and got married two months later. 

"I was so nervous about my wedding night", she admitted, "but when we stood hand-in-hand and took our vows in front of God and our loved ones, I knew we had made the right choice and I felt calm. When we got into the limo after the wedding things got pretty steamy and I couldn't wait to get to the hotel. When we got to our honeymoon suite, things started to escalate pretty quickly. He started to unbutton the back of my wedding dress while we were kissing passionately but there were so many buttons so he asked me politely to turn around. With each button he opened, I felt a shock wave of excitement. When he finished the last one, he gently slipped my gown off of my shoulders and kissed my neck and the back of my shoulders sweetly as he pulled it down to my hips. He got on his knees before me and began kissing my stomach and gently pulled it below my hips until it hit the floor. I unsnapped my bra, exposing my breasts to him for the first time. He stood up, and I will never forget the way he looked at me, and he said, "You are so beautiful." I came toward him and helped him unbutton his shirt and his pants. We began kissing passionately and ended up on the bed. I couldn't believe how amazing and vulnerable it felt to have him on top of me. I am sure you can guess what happened after that. I'm not going to lie, it did hurt when he first entered. But he was so gentle and went slow, stopping frequently to ask me if I was okay. It was awkward because we weren't familiar with each other's bodies and didn't know what to do, but in a way that was comforting because I knew he wasn't any more experienced than I was and we were figuring it out together. It was beautiful."

Is it just me...or is it getting hot in here?!?!

Sometimes, it is easier to ask questions online to a bunch of strangers than it is to ask people you know. If you have questions about sex or just need some support, there are many online communities and forums that you can join that will connect you to people who share the same interests, hopes, fears and experiences as you. One popular website is Reddit (https://www.reddit.com), a site where people all around the world can connect and comment in online communities that are organized around their interests. According to the website, Reddit is "home to thousands of communities, endless conversation, and authentic human connection and has 138K+ active communities. They even have a support community for virgins (https://www.reddit.com/r/virgin/).

If you are thinking about having sex for the first time, the planned parenthood website is a great resource for teens and young women who have questions about how to prevent pregnancy and avoid STD's. According to their website, "Planned Parenthood is the number one provider of sex education in the country" and they are "dedicated to providing non-judgmental, up-to-date, medically accurate information on sexual and reproductive health" (https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/teens/preventing-pregnancy-stds). There are locations all across the U.S. that offer several reproductive and complimentary health care services at affordable rates regardless of whether or not you are insured. 

While it is a wonderful idea to wait for love or marriage before having sex, life happens. If you have already lost your virginity, it doesn't mean your value has decreased and it doesn't make you a bad person. However, it is never too late to decide to wait for that special someone before having sex again. Our society is constantly throwing sexual images in our faces while at the same time slut-shaming young women for doing exactly what they have seen demonstrated in the media. As a young woman, it can be confusing and frustrating trying to find the right balance between the "girl-next-door" look and "sexual goddess" look. The best advice I can give you is to be yourself. Wear clothes YOU like that either make you feel confident and pretty, if that is what you are going for, or clothes that you feel comfortable in, regardless of whether or not they come from the men's section. If you want to have sex, be careful. Practice safe sex. Don't have sex with strangers. Avoid the traumatic episode that Marie had by avoiding alcohol and drugs. You need to stay clear-headed so you can avoid making poor decisions you might regret later and also so you can fight/ get away quickly if you find yourself in a dangerous situation. If you are sexually active, always use protection and make sure to carry a condom in your purse or in your pocket so you don't have to rely on your partner to have one handy. Don't take naked pictures of yourself or allow others to do so, even if you are in love with them. Seriously. The only person you should ever trust with those kinds of photos is the person you marry because they are personally invested in your well-being. Even then, it's still kinda risky because of hackers. One more thing, whether you decide to wait until marriage or have multiple partners before you get married, you are worthy of love and respect and anyone that tells you otherwise is not a person whose opinion is worth valuing. Being a virgin does not make you a prude and having multiple partners does not make you a slut. You are awesome!