My Husband Ignores Me: The Diagnosis
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Anyone who has ever been a wife would know how annoying staying with a husband that snubs can be. You just got home from a very exhausting day at work expecting to be hugged or comforted by your husband, but all he does is to give you that cold "welcome" greeting with his face and attention fixed on that God-forsaken phone or computer. You try to gist him of how your day went, and you know that you are wasting your time. He's just not interested. At a point, you begin to imagine what has gone over him in the past few days. "He's never been like this before," you mumble. But honestly, it pains and "for this," you're going to teach him a lesson. He doesn't greet you, and you too have decided to ignore him. That has been the trend for a while now, and your house which once appeared to be a heaven on earth is now in every sense, comparable to hell. But how did you ever get to this stage? How come your once-loving and caring husband has suddenly become heartless? Well, any of the points discussed here could have been responsible for that.
1. Your Husband Ignores You? Well, You May Have Been Disrespectful
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Maybe I should ask you this question, "What do you think is the greatest need of a man in a relationship or marriage?" You think it's all about giving him food and sleeping with him? Yeah, he needs those and perhaps more, but quite frankly, if that's all, he may not need to be married at all. You know he can easily get that elsewhere. There are many women out there who without even giving them a dime may be ready to sleep with him and fix his meals. But then, his greatest need which is respect can only be fully met in a marriage setting. Make your man insecure, and you would learn your lesson in a hard way. You may not agree with this, but it's the plain truth. In the order of a man's need in a marriage, respect comes first. A disrespectful wife in all sense abhors to her husband. He's not saying he must always have his way or that he wants to become a Lord of some sorts but he desires that his opinions be valued, treasured, and when they do not sound unreasonable, obeyed. But when a woman delights in always doing the opposite of her husband's wishes and demands, why won't he ignore her? You are challenging his ego and authority as such and what can he do? Watch and see you do your worst. Being disrespectful can mean you're not watching how you address him. Yes, he's your soulmate and all of that, but he's the husband. Even if you're older than him (which is not impossible), making him your husband means you have submitted yourself in a way to his leadership. So, now tell me; which leader wants to be addressed anyhow? Don't our bosses at work demand that they are respected even when they are obviously wrong? This point cannot be overstressed because it lies at the foundation of most marriage issues. A disrespectful woman would always have her husband ignore her since respect they say, is reciprocal.
2. Check For Pride If Your Husband Ignores You
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Dear wife, check for what I'll call cancer of marriage in your home. It's subtle and often denies itself but like all of us know the danger that the cancer of the body does, even much more havoc is wrecked by this marital cancer. This cancer is no other but PRIDE. Well, you may think you've been humble all these while, but that's how pride works. It makes people think they're humble. You see, those who are truly humble rarely say so because they don't even think so. Let me be very frank here; forget about the pride of your husband himself (no one is saying he too is humble), but I tell you this great truth: Even if he's an Adolf Hitler or a Lucifer of some sort, genuine humility can melt his heart. Pride comes in two ways in marriage. The first is what we are all aware of. That is the one that boasts about its beauty, class, social status, fame, net worth, and every other thing it has. It's not difficult recognizing this when seen. The truth is that this may not be the type of pride ruining your marriage. You may not even have any of these to boast of yet you're still proud. By the way, do you know that every time you think in your heart that you're going to teach him a lesson, you are manifesting pride? No one sees or knows your thought except yourself, but you keep acting it out through your action. The man thinks all is well, but within you, you're on a mission to teach him a lesson. The question is: When did your husband become your student that you're teaching a lesson? Pride also manifests itself in self-pity. Women that consider themselves weak and suffering are often the subjects of this type of pride. While claiming to be helpless and perhaps "humble," they crave for attention and resents easily if and when not granted. The husband sees them as being humble, but right in their hearts, Pride has a mansion where it lives and reigns. They pick offense easily; read meaning even to meaningless things, and play the victim in every affair with their husband. They are not usually the cause of any problem but the man who cannot deal with himself. In every face off, they love to play the vulnerable and shouts gender equality up and down. You see them claiming that what a man can do, a woman can do better. Well, this may actually be true but as soon as a man discovers you're a woman of this kind of mindset, trust him always to ignore you. By the time he does that, you'll know that each person though equal, has their own distinct role in a marriage.
3. Sometimes, It's Just Not Your Fault That Husband Ignores You
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It would be totally unfair and in fact, false to say that the woman is always the one at fault each time her husband ignores her. That would be a fallacy of the century. Men too have their own problems and faults. And without sounding too harsh or disrespectful to them, not all husbands are men. Some are still babes, teens, or guys masking as an adult. I recall a friend we grew together when we were much younger; any time his mom scolds him for a wrong he has done, his own way of protesting is to ignore everyone in the house including his food too. He wouldn't even eat for days until someone comes to beg him. And quite frankly, without demeaning your man, this may just be him. He may just be childish. Give him a little more attention, and he'll brighten up. Conversely, it may be that your husband is going through an emotional struggle which he doesn't want to bring you into. Sometimes, men think they can deal with issues in their lives all by themselves and instead of opening up when challenges come, some unknowingly ignore everyone including their wives. In fact, in some cultures, bringing in a woman to help deal with a problem a man is facing is considered a taboo; a sign that the man is not man enough. So, if by your honest assessment you have not been disrespectful or proud and yet he still ignores you, just know that something is wrong with him. He probably has a fire burning beneath his skin, and that is not the time to say to yourself "I'll teach him a lesson."
4. Your Husband Ignores You? Perhaps, You Don't Speak His Love Language
Dr. Gary Chapman has dwelt extensively on the subject of love languages in his Bestseller "The Five Love Languages." And one point which continues to find relevance is that couples often grow apart because they speak different love languages and each fails to understand the other. Your love language is the way you receive love. It depicts how the "I love you" talks from your husband translate into a reality within you. Sometimes, that may be the way you give it out too. Some feel loved most when touched; others require that certain services be done for them; there are some that connect the receiving of gifts with the expression of love, and then to some, it is the things you say that assure them that you love them. So, consider a scenario where your husband's love language is receiving gifts, and you have not even considered giving him a pen for years now; how do you think he'll feel? Of course, he'll see it as you not valuing or loving him. Or let's say his love language is words of affirmation and instead of being good with words and commending him for his successes; you are always quick to bring out his mistakes, why won't he ignore you? Everyone loves to stay with someone that cares and loves them and ignoring you may be his subtle way of telling you his emotional needs are not being met. So, rather than teach him a lesson, you may only have to teach yourself how to love him better.
5. Infidelity May Be A Reason Your Husband Ignores You
When a man has started seeing another woman outside, ignoring his wife may be one of the signs he'll begin to manifest. It's natural. Just consider how you feel when served food when you aren't hungry. How much of interest for that food do you have? The chances are that you would ignore the food. Your stomach is well fed, and no matter how much you love that particular food, it would be impossible for you to eat it. It's as simple as that. Unfortunately today, most men are becoming more unfaithful to their spouses. Of course, it doesn't just happen, but the cause of infidelity in homes is another subject on its own. However, one thing is clear, and that is the fact that infidelity takes away the attention of spouses from each other and focuses it on someone else. Where unfaithfulness is the reason your husband is ignoring you, you'll easily know through his recent sexual appetite. He's probably not going to touch you for a while until you cry out. And that's because he's been having an affair outside. It takes a lot of wisdom to handle this situation if this is actually the case. Be that as it may, it needs to be stated that infidelity can be either way. If your husband has heard a report from outside that you have been sleeping around, you are no longer likely to get his attention anymore. So, one should not think about the man alone being unfaithful here. What if he has caught you in the act or has some reliable information (at least to him) that you have been messing around? He may just want to stay away from you for a while.
What To Do If Your Husband Ignores You
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Whatever may be the reason your husband ignores you; one good news is that there is a way out. You can always have his attention back and live a peaceful life as you've once done. The issue is that you would have first to identify the cause and then deal with it appropriately. As you may have noted from the diagnosis of why your husband ignores you that we have done, there is the possibility that the problem is from your end just as he too may be the cause. However, for you to deal appropriately with this challenge, you must be ready to accept responsibility and behave as if everything depends on you. Please be aware before we go through those things you can do to get your husband's attention back that patient is the key here. He probably didn't make up his mind to ignore you in a day, and he may not be able to flush out his notion concerning also in a day fully. Give him some time but be persistent in your resolve to make things work.
a) Understand Why He's Ignoring You
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You can't truly get your husband's attention back if you fail to get to the root of the matter. Do every self-examination possible and ask relevant and necessary questions too. He's your husband, and no one else probably knows him as you do. Even if you resolve to visit a marriage counselor (which is not a bad idea), he or she would still want to know why your husband ignores you. In marriage, sometimes we may have to cry, but not every cry is worth crying out. And what does that means? Never wash your dirty linen in public. Those friends of yours you want to cry to for help probably have their own challenges. Most time, if we can be humble enough to retrace our steps to see where we've gotten things wrong, our problems may just be easy to deal with.
b) Don't Ignore Back
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The natural thing to do when a husband ignores his wife is for the wife too to ignore him in return. Each would want to teach the other a lesson. Unfortunately, no one gains from such "lessons." If you greet him and he refuses to answer well, don't pick offense at that but give him some space and time. Perhaps, he's processing something in his mind. After some hours or even a day, approach him again, this time around in a soft and cool voice. Make every effort to reach to him over and over again. There is no limit to how many times you should try to court his attention; it all depends on how much he means to you. To be honest with you, you cannot achieve this if you're always standing on your right. You see, one lesson marriage teaches couples is that though you may be right, sometimes, for the sake of peace, you may have to surrender your right. Many, in the name of claiming their rights, have lost their homes. And if I may ask, how much sense does that make - to stand on your perceived right and as a result, lose your home?
c) Quit Being Disrespectful
Where each person understands their role in marriage, there's absolutely no need for competition or disrespecting each other. You see, men can always have their say, but smart women would always have their way. Make him feel like he's in charge and truth be told, he (not you) should be in charge. You don't have to always agree with him but where opinions differ, accord him the respect he deserves even while stating your side of the matter. Again, let's stress this, you cannot be disrespectful to your man and expect everything to go well in your home.
d) Apologize If You Perceive You've Wronged Him
Now, this is where you would have to deal with pride before it deals with you. Pride will not allow you even to say you're sorry. But for the sake of the love between the two of you, close your mind and heart to pride and walk up to him asking him to forgive you. If you feel like crying, cry. In fact, your cry may add greater weight to your plea as only heartless men would see their wives cry and not be moved. There is a kind of apology that would even aggravate a problem rather than address it, please refrain from such. You probably know by now that what you say is not really as important as how you say it. Do away with every attitude that may negate your apology. Let him know it actually came from your heart.
e) Do Him Some Pensive Favors
Silly fast comic. I didn't add text cause my handwriting is atrocious and I figured it's pretty obvious what happened. But if you can't tell in the first panel she is doing/straightening his hair. This kinda reminds me of my childhood my mom was always doing my hair. #marriageproblems#couple#humor#dumb#sketch#ocs#youlooklikeapiratejesus#sorryjames#orwhateveryournameis#hair
As a follow-up to your apology, arrange his things for him; fix his meal on time; wash his clothes and every other thing you would not do for him on a normal day. That would probably soften his heart and win you his attention once more. But do not quit doing these things too soon otherwise he sees you as not being sincere. Train yourself to continue the good work especially when you have discovered it worked. In doing this, you can get to know his inner longings and as such, meet them appropriately.
f) Pay Attention To The Things He Complains About Most In The House
You cannot discover your husband's love language unless you pay attention to his complaints. Instead of just throwing them to the winds or terming him as being too clingy or demanding, why not look critically at them and see how they can be met? Every complaint made by your husband reveals an inner longing for attention that has not been met. So, ignoring his complaints may just be you ignoring your husband and who knows if that's why he ignores you too?
g) Make Every Effort To Look Good
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Help your husband avoid looking outside by appearing charming and attractive. Already, he has enormous temptations to battle with out there. Don't compound his woes as it were by being shoddy in your appearance. Perhaps you didn't get that, what I'm saying is this: stay up to date with fashion. Don't let the assurance of marriage make you indifferent to how you look and dress. Freshen up and make yourself irresistible for him. If he can get what someone else is trying to package for him outside right inside his house, why would he look outside?
h) Make Your Bedroom Lively
Let's be a bit explicit here. Your husband's greatest need after respect is sex. This is one thing he probably may constantly feel he hasn't gotten enough of. If it has become your habit to deny him of this need constantly, he may have no option than to ignore you. As it goes, disaffection springs up between husbands and wives when there are unmet expectations in the bedroom. Discuss your sexual needs with your husband and encourage him to discuss his too. If there's a new style he wants it that you are not comfortable with, rather than resenting or denying him, why not discuss the issue with him? Sex between a man and woman in marriage is more than the physical act. It's like a mortar cementing your marital block. Put an end to your unnecessary denials and make your bedroom lively. Your bedroom should be a respite to your husband and a place he longs to come. If he's not going to have sex with you, let it be his choice.
i) Find Out Time For Discussion
Single ladies, ask the next guy you meet what his love language is and you share yours with him at the appropriate time. ⠀ ⠀ Not necessarily on the first date but if you can see yourself with this guy long-term, find out his love capacity. ⠀ ⠀ This should be done in the very beginning of the relationship like we discussed in Chapter 4, “Do You See Me”. ⠀ ⠀ This will give you an opportunity to discover whether or not you can provide that type of love in the relationship on a consistent basis ⠀ ⠀ #UnderStandingAMan
You see, couples that talk together stay together. Do not wait until he starts ignoring you before you have his time. Everyone understands how demanding work can sometimes be especially if that is joined with the stress of being a wife and a mother. But then, you have to find a means of striking a balance. It is not only women that seek or crave attention, but men also do howbeit in a subtle way. They loved to be heard and long to speak with their wives. But where in the name of being busy with work or with the children the woman has no time for him, he just may feel bad about it and as a way of getting back at you, ignore you.
With your action, you can either make or mar your home. However, it is good to remember that there are more to lose if your family is in disarray than gain. There can't even be any gain where husbands and wives are not united. It surely takes two to tango, and if one person decided to let go of their right even though they may be right, many broken homes would still have been together till now. Your husband ignoring you is just the beginning of greater trouble if not quickly addressed. Since he's your husband and you probably love each other, remedying a wrong should not be difficult if you would be humble enough to do so. And as mentioned in this piece, you don't have to compete for the leadership of your home with him. Let him have his say (always), but with wisdom and humility, you can always have your way.