Overcoming Your Fear Of Physical Intimacy While Dating Men

Everybody has something they fear- water, spiders, snakes, heights, etc. We are all human and it is totally normal to develop a phobia. Then, there are some people who have developed the fear of intimacy. Fear of intimacy is defined as the subconscious fear of closeness, and it has a major impact on personal relationships. It is a mixture of physical and emotional phobia that occurs in a meaningful relationship or between people who are very close.

This type of fear develops for a number of reasons.

It’s easier to think that fear of intimacy is triggered more by negative feelings while actually, it is the positive feelings which have greater impacts. How is this so? Let’s say you have someone you love so much; the good feelings you hold for him can stimulate a deep fear of intimacy and prevent you from keeping a close relationship. Sounds confusing? The reason you resist intimacy is not a result of any negative action by your partner; it comes from a lurking enemy inside of you. Here is the problem: there is a conflict between how you view yourself (negatively) and how your lover views you (positively). It is this negative self-attitude that makes you resist being seen differently. Since it is hard for you to accept the reality of your partner loving you and transforming you, you become resistant to love.

If you grew up with parents who didn’t role-model intimacy, how would you have known how intimacy looks like? That is why it feels uncomfortable for you to incorporate intimacy when dating. To fix this, you need to take some emotional risks. Start by letting your partner know how you feel and whenever you feel awkward, try to lean in rather than out of your relationship. Seek advice from happier couples or watch relevant movies that will teach you ways of overcoming this fear.

Your mind might have been wired to avoid intimacy since you were a child. When you were an infant, you might have developed an attachment style which emanated from the bond between you and your mother. When you needed something, say breast milk, sleep, or warmth, you communicated by crying or interacting with your mom. If your needs were rarely met, you might have developed an attitude that relationships are meaningless and that depending on others is unsafe. As such, you learned that it is safer to keep a distance. It would have been worse if your needs were met with negative consequences like your mother yelling at you-and that is how you probably developed an avoidant attachment style. This childhood effect can make you feel uncomfortable with an intimate partner, as your mind will tell you to isolate yourself from your lover. If this describes you, try working with a therapist or read relevant materials on dating.

If you have been heartbroken several times by men, this can explain why you fear getting physical or emotionally attached to men. You subconsciously want to protect yourself from getting hurt by avoiding intimacy with a new guy. You need to heal your broken heart first. Therapy or talking to a friend can help you heal, or you can simply change your story about the heartbreak. Try focusing on the abundance of love as opposed to the pain of heartbreak. That way, you will develop resilience to heartbreak.

Perhaps in your childhood, you were made to believe that you are a bad girl, unlovable, and deficient of something. This must have been painful but eventually became familiar to you and it keeps lingering in your subconscious mind to this day. Yes, you are an adult but you still think that the beliefs are part of you and there is no way you can correct them. Trust me - you can.

This could be the other reason you fear going deep into a relationship. Feeling inadequate or as if you are not good enough as a partner puts you in a vulnerable position when you expose yourself to your man and you risk being rejected. Loving yourself first is the right way to overcoming the fear of intimacy. As long as you value yourself, no one can take away your personal dignity, whether they reject you or disapprove of you. Start by being self-aware, courageous, and patient. Then, trust that an intimate relationship bears fulfillment, happiness, and love.

What is the root problem of your intimacy-phobic behavior? You couldn’t have developed it overnight after getting intimate with your man. Something must have happened. There is a center to every fear- the core of your problem. You must sit down and find out what happened for you to get to this level. Your lover will want to know the reason you are not connecting. This is an issue you must be willing to work together with your man. If you are not comfortable talking about the past issues, you don’t have to and neither should your boyfriend or husband force you. But you must show interest that you want to improve your relationship. Consider going to couples’ therapy with the man you are dating. You cannot let your past ruin your future; concentrate on the present to form a healthy relationship.

A therapist can help you a great deal in overcoming the fear of physical intimacy. You may also read good books on the subject matter. If you have a deep-rooted problem related to your childhood, the problem is harder to unravel and this is where a professional counselor comes in. The effects of traumatic experiences you experienced in the past such as physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse, or death of a parent are intertwined with fear of intimacy. Losing your freedom of expression made you learn how to cope with trauma through unhealthy approaches. And if you were exploited in one way or another, you might have resolved to never trust anybody. Therapy will give you an opportunity to develop trust in the man you are dating. From the relationship with your therapist, you will learn to trust another person and relate this to your man. Overcoming fear of physical intimacy will not only strengthen your intimate relationship but also foster friendships with your colleagues as well as your ability to live a life you desire.

Living with anxiety is a major hindrance of physical intimacy. You don’t have to live with it because it is unproductive and you cannot grow as a person.

This does not call for a one-night stand- do not get involved in physical intimacy if you don’t want to. To let go of the fear of physical intimacy, stop dealing with untrustworthy men. Look for a man who can guide you through your greatest fears and be patient. The idea is to find comfort and feel safe with the man you want to get physical with. If you focus on overcoming your phobia, intimacy will become an enjoyable aspect of your life as long as you are comfortable with your man.

Are you ever busy with no downtime? You are afraid to face up to yourself and your perceived weaknesses (which are erroneous). You also don’t want to get close because your partner might see your weaknesses and that’s why you’d rather work 24/7 to escape those feelings. By keeping yourself busy, you are denying the fact that you are intimacy-phobic and it is a good excuse not to go out with men who want to date you. It’s high time you relax and allow people to love you.

What do you look for in a man? Part of the reason you are not dating could be the high expectations you have for your potential dates. Here’s the deal: you will never find a perfect man for dating. No man can live up to the perfect mate’s expectations. So, brush off this idea and give a chance to a good man. It’s possible you might know exactly what you want from a man but are you sure you will ever find this ‘ideal guy’? As an intimacy phobe, what you fear the most is getting hurt and even if you were to come across your Mr. Right, chances are that you would not choose him. So you end up hanging with men who are emotionally unavailable- married, codependent, engaged, or players.

Intercourse can bring you closer to your man in many ways. Stop worrying too much about getting intimate but rather allow yourself to go with the flow of feelings you have for your man. If you are worried about him touching you, take it slow- start with gentle kisses, a lot of foreplay, and a good massage to get you in the right mood. You can also introduce a sense of humor and playfulness to your most intimate actions with your man. This will certainly make the situation more relaxed, thereby overcoming the fear of physical intimacy. In case you are still uncomfortable, breathe deeply and try to relax your muscles.

Do you tend to isolate yourself from men as soon as your dating begins to grow deep? Your relationships seem to float on the surface because the idea of connecting intimately with men makes you uncomfortable. Now you know that this is fear of intimacy; it is entirely in your head and you should work towards overcoming it to enjoy life better. Overcoming the fear will require you to work with your lover. All you need is to develop a particular degree of intimacy so that you can trust your partner. If you never learned intimacy in your childhood, you can start learning it now; but it’s going to take a lot of courage, willingness, and vulnerability to get closer to the man you are dating.