10 Tips that helps you on Dating Someone With Depression

Have you ever dated someone with depression? It's tough and it can become a nightmare if you're clueless about the mental disease and what it can do to your love and yourself. These days, mental illnesses, depression especially, has been romanticized. People believe the fairy tale that some broken individual will find someone wonderful who's going to make everything OK just because they have fallen in love. 

People actually suffering from depression will be the first ones to tell that, while all that seems lovely, it's never the case. In order to date someone with depression, first you have to understand what depression is.

The American Psychiatric Association defines depression as "a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person's ability to function at work or at home."

If you're dating or are considering dating someone with depression, you have to try to understand that their brain is wired different than yours and that is ok so you need to find a way to handle all the curves that he's going to throw to you. Don't take it personally, if he's acting strange it's not because of something you did.

Don't push things, know when you can help. Know that some days are going to be harder than others and instead of getting offended it's better to get creative. Make suggestions about going outside for a walk or maybe that he listens to his favorite song or watch a favorite movie. Try to engage him.

The most important thing you need to know is that you cannot cure him, you cannot fix him, it's not your job. Just be there for him.

People with depression find it hard to function on a day-to-day basis, imagine what dealing with dating is! So dating someone with depression is a hard thing to do. Dating is a very social activity, and during those first encounters, you have to always have your game on. That proves almost impossible to someone with depression, as some days just the thought of getting up from the bed is a herculean effort. 

It's hard to romance someone who feels numb or is withdrawn, it's something hard to understand and accept. Plans get altered unexpectedly because he just doesn't feel like he can do it that specific day.

Because of the stigma attached to depression, he may not even want to talk about his depression with you, so you could be dating a depressive man and you wouldn't know it because he's totally afraid to tell you. That's even harder, you know he has problems, but you don't know how to help him because he's not telling you anything.

One more thing that makes dating someone with depression hard is that they react differently when there's trouble in the relationship. People with depression have a hard time brushing troubles away, they tend to look at the negative, so if you're having an argument, you need to think before you say anything to him. His reality view is distorted, so be cautious with your words.  

Dating someone with depression can get complicated and can turn into a nightmare if you don't understand what depression is. Let's refresh, depression is a complicated and real mental disease and it's not about you. Remember that you can't fix his depression, you just have to accept his feelings and be there for him.

That being said, there are some things you can do about it. Here are 10 tips on what to do if you're dating someone with depression.

It's vital that you understand the reality of depression, that way you can be an ally to him. If you go online there are a lot of resources where you can read about depression. You'll find medical standpoints and also personal ones, the combination of both can help you to get a deeper understanding of what depression is and what you could expect. Just don't go making assumptions, each person's experience is different, so you'll do better if you ask him about his experience.

You had big plans for going out Saturday night and he was on board but on Saturday morning his mood took a 180 and he can even get out of bed which means no Saturday night date. Understand that he's not doing it intentionally, depression compromises his functionality, don't blame him. You need to exercise your flexibility, suggest a night in with a home cook meal and watching a vid together.  

You need to have some kind of buffer for stress, depression can feel like a third wheel on your relationship so, find a healthy space for yourself where you can decompress. It can be an impromptu hang with your girls or you can go for walks by yourself or to the gym. You can also consider going to therapy, it can help you mitigate the stress of dating someone with depression.  

It's important to allow him to have his feelings, it's really hard for him to talk about them with you for fear of you thinking him a burden or a disappointment. Assure him that you don't think he's at fault and that it's totally OK to feel the way he feels even though sometimes he can even really explain it.

This point can't be stress sufficiently, you're not responsible for his mood changes. Depression is a complex illness that affects his moods and his functionality. It's tempting and normal to wonder if you have done something wrong whenever his really down or upset, but remember that it's not about you. If you continue to think like that, you'll feel terrible and you'll make him feel misunderstood.

Because of the depression and/or the depression treatments his sex drive and his ability to enjoy it will be affected. He'll get frustrated and embarrassed, he'll fear that you will leave because of it. You need to acknowledge this and be open and understanding.

Sometimes his feelings and thoughts are not depression related, it could be legitimate concerns about the relationship, don't discount or ignore them thinking that it's because of his depression. You'll only alienate him more. You need to listen carefully and reflect, don't jump to conclusions.

The fact that you're dating someone with depression doesn't mean that your needs, thoughts, and problems don't matter, you shouldn't turn them off. We all go through life with ups and downs and is totally OK to feel sad or angry, that's part of being human. Don't hide your feeling from him, find a way to express them. There should be a space for you in the relationship.  

As much as you would hope, depression can't be cure with love and kindness. there are no quick fixes to cure depression. You can only offer support, and for that, you need to ask him what they need from you to feel supported. "What triggers your depression?" "How do you cope with it?" "What part should I play to help you cope with it?" Knowing those answers will help you support him.

Going to therapy to help treat his depression is hard, especially because the illness is going to get in the way. So tell him how proud you are that he's doing it, recognize his hard work, you have to be his biggest cheerleader. Maybe he'll open up and tell you what he's doing or learning in therapy, but if he doesn't respect that, it's ok too.

When you're dating someone with depression is hard to stand on the sideline and not be able to do anything to make him better. You might feel helpless and confused and frustrated because he's really battling and it seems like he doesn't want your help.

So how can you deal with a partner who has depression? While it's not easy, it's possible. We already cover this point twice, nevertheless, we'll remind you again, don't take it personally.

Try to understand what depression feels like. There's an amazing tool called Depression Quest. It's an online video game (how about that?!) created by Zoe Quinn that'll give you an insight of a depression experience.

There are some theories like, the Spoon Theory that can help you relate to him by learning his "language". This theory uses a set of spoons to represent the limited physical, mental and emotional resources that someone suffering from depression has. For example, in a set of 12 spoons, he may actually need all of them just to get out of bed one day. He's in a way showing you so you can understand.

Or you can use The Ring Theory. You draw a series of concentric circles, your partner is at the center, the next circle it's you and his family, the next circle is for friends, you can draw as many circles as needed. The rule is simple: you provide support to the ones in a smaller ring than you (e.i him) and only complain to people in a bigger ring than you

A good book can shed a light on depression and can be of great help to and your partner. Here are a couple of books that could be helpful, be sure to check them.

This book by Laura Einstein Rosen and Xavier Francisco Amador explains the mechanisms of depression that can cause a relationship to fail. And then through real-life stories, it shows the step-by-step advice and methods that you and your loved one can use to protect yourselves and the relationship from the impacts of depression.

Anne Sheffield used the poignant and vivid personal stories of the members of a support website group to write this book. It provides honest records of what happens to relationships where one or the two of them suffer from depression. And she also offers solid advice on what the non-depressed partner can do to improve his or her own life and the relationship.

Dealing with someone with depression is not easy, actually, it could be very hard. It may seem he doesn't want or need your help but just by being there you're helping him. Remember that you're not at fault and you can't fix him. Be patient, because if you love him and he loves you the relationship has a chance if you two stand on the same team.