What is Self-Sabotaging?
It almost seems like we’re conditioned to seek out our own happiness by nature especially in two main areas of satisfaction; relationships and our careers. So, the concept might seem unnerving as to how can one sabotage one’s own life. While most of us will immediately dismiss the notion that we in any way can cause our self-trouble, a significant number of people in the world don’t get their goals because of self-sabotage. So, if you’ve realized that you often find it hard to reach your relationship goals, career or health goals, it can’t always be bad luck, can it? Here mentioned below are a few pointers that will surely open your eyes.
Causes of Self-sabotaging
1. Sense of self congruence
The first reason why most of us sabotage our relationships is that we’re too busy keeping face. Just because of the fact that we act happy, we will try to put ourselves in a happy situation but they will ultimately go wrong. The reason, however, won’t be bad luck. Because one might feel sad on the inside subconsciously you’ll sabotage your own plan.
2. Lack of self-worth
Another reason why most of us might sabotage our relationships is that we might not think we deserve something good in life. Most of us have a liminal space that we exist in, inside which we have already demarcated our highs and our lows. With that space, we think “I can only be a certain amount of happy” or “I can only have an abusive relationship because I’m not worthy of being loved”
3. Imposter phenomenon
A great fear that holds a lot of people back in today’s world is the fear that they get found out, or “what will people think”. More often than not when we good things start happening, for example, if someone actually loves you for you, you’ll just start doubting everything you do, and think that “maybe I’m acting weird”, “maybe that’s why he likes me because nobody could possibly love me for me” and then you drive them away because you think that you’re cheating them by not being your actual self.
7 Signs that you are Self-Sabotaging your Relationships
More often than not we tend to let things that require immediate attention go by without any. For example, if you’re in a relationship and you know you’re significant other's birthday is coming up and that it means a lot to them, you’ll still leave the preparations to the last moment. You’ll say “Oh, I’ll be able to do it in no time", “I don’t know what I’ll get her anyways"," it’s still three days away". And when the moment comes you’ll either fall short in one thing or the other or forget entirely. Once you start procrastinating, things just start going wrong and soon you might lose the person close to you.
2. Netflix binging
In today’s day and age we have found ourselves new ways of distraction from responsibility and duty, Netflix binging. While it is a great way to enjoy yourself Netflix often becomes an obsession that you can’t let go. As lame as it may sound I had a friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he wouldn’t give her time. It was later when I was dating his friend did I come to know that that guy let go of an amazing relationship just because he got addicted to Netflix and was so into it he forgot he had someone to cater to.
3. Initiate conflict
This is something women are more famous for; however, I don’t blame them. They have unrealistic expectations that are impossible to meet. If you’ve been in a situation where you were in an amazing relationship but you blew lots of things out of proportion a ruined it, that is a classic example of self-sabotage. If you’re losing people around you, and if that has been the same for a long time, you need to sit down and think about it, is it them or is it you? As hard as it may be, you might be the one standing in your own way.
4. Fear of intimacy
Another sign that you might be sabotaging your relationship is that you won’t let people come close to you. While you might think that you want to get married, you might be the only person standing in your own way because you think that you don’t deserve it. Or that if anyone gets close, you’ll think that they will hurt you sooner and later so it’s better if you end the relationship first.
5. Overly Self-critical
All of us criticize ourselves, we have good days and bad days and that’s totally normal, however, if you consistently only see the worst in yourself that might be the problem. Remember the saying that goes “no one can love you enough if you can’t love yourself" well, that’s true if you can’t see the best in you, you’ll ultimately force the people around you to not see it either. I can relate with that as at the worst times of my life I’ve seen that I was my own worst bully.
Another reason how you might be sabotaging your relationship is by comparing your relationships with others. For example, if you see your friend’s boyfriend bringing her a flower, you’ll want your boyfriend to bring you a flower too. You will forget that different people have different ways of showing that they love us. No two people can be the same. However, once you start comparing yourself and your relationships you go down a toxic path of no return.
7. You focus on problems rather than solutions
Another reason why you might sabotage your relationships is the way you think. Most of the times individuals focus on the problem rather than the solution and that can lead to many problems. While all of us worry about problems, there is a time frame within which it is acceptable then you have to move on and think about how you’re going to solve the problem. If you find yourself worrying about problems and not doing anything to fix them you’re sabotaging your relationships without even knowing.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior
Understand the concept
The first thing that you should do is understand the concept of self-sabotage. Most of the time the concepts seem so alien to us, that we can’t imagine that we would stand in our way. We should come to terms with the fact that it is a serious issue and that anyone of us can suffer from it unconsciously.
In order to stop such behaviors, we have to sit down and reflect on all the times that we didn’t get something we wanted. We should try to analyze whether it was bad luck or were you somehow complicit in the process. Try to take out time for yourself on a daily basis and reflect on the shortcomings of each day.
Identify the root causes
Once you reflect on the happenings of each day you’ll come to the root cause of the problem and then you have to try to get rid of it. For example, if you come to the conclusion that the reason you have low self-esteem and low self-worth is that you had abusive parents or peers, you need to see a therapist and get rid of that trauma so that you can move forward in life.
Start to love yourself
Start from the smaller things, as I know self-love is a process that evolves with time, you need to take baby steps towards the final goal and stay consistent in your efforts. Remember you need to see the good in yourself before someone else sees it.
If you’ve gone through the above-mentioned information you now have a better idea of how self-sabotage works and how you might be complicit without even knowing. Most of the time when this realization hits you, you’re already in too deep, so with the article, I hope to reach out to all of you who need to read this and start getting their life in order. One thing that you should know is those bad things don’t always happen because of bad luck, there’s more to it than meets the eye.