9 Positive Things I Learnt From Dating a Narcissist

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the cluster B disorders in the DSM, along with Histrionic personality disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as Anti-Social Personality Disorder. These disorders are classified as erratic, dramatic and unstable, and treated with scorn and contempt by many psychiatrists and are extremely hard to treat. Even if the narcissist in your life is not officially diagnosed with NPD, it might affect your relationship and your emotional health.

Narcissism lies on a spectrum and only the most severe narcissists are diagnosed with Narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists may seem tough and strong on the outside, but they crumble or lash out at the slightest criticism. The gaslighting, constant accusations and projections of a narcissist as well as their crazy-making, can give you trauma for a lifetime. No matter what, they are always right, you are always wrong.

Furthermore, they are so entitled that they think the world owes them something. They are emotional vampires who suck every ounce of empathy left in your body. Their intermittent reinforcement schedule of idealization and devaluation will leave you giddy and confused. Most of the time, they live in denial about their condition and refuse to acknowledge the harm that they have done to other people.

Going low contact or no contact is necessary when a relationship threatens to destroy your sanity. Your narcissistic partner will probably force you into situations that you are not comfortable with, probably sexually, emotionally or mentally. You have to learn how to be assertive, stand your ground and say no.

You will start learning new techniques in your arsenal and become more capable of dealing with difficult people.

Grey rock: As the term suggests, it means becoming uninteresting and dull like a grey rock. Do not flaunt your happiness or whatever achievements or accomplishments you have on Facebook or other social networking sites. Try to detach emotionally from the person with the disorder by giving excuses such as being "tired, confused or numb". Inform your close friends about this strategy so that they can support you during this period. Also, do not antagonize the person, and do not blame him for his/her actions, but claim that you are feeling under the weather etc.

Medium chill: you do not volunteer any information to the person. You act like everything is alright, and stick to light-hearted topics. There are two components to this:
 
 1. Do not respond or react to any provocations and become emotionally unavailable when the person claims to need your help.
 
2. Share as little about yourself as possible, whether it is about what is going on in your life or the important decisions you have made for yourself.

If your significant other always use sarcastic remarks or backhanded compliments, you would be able to know that it is unhealthy. Sometimes they will praise you to the skies then they will criticize you when you do something against their wishes. Their list of demands and expectations skyrocket and become ever-increasingly impossible to meet.

You probably know what you want in a relationship, and what you want in life. Being in a relationship with constant enmeshment and engulfment, you would be forced to develop your own identity in the absence of your partner.

Perhaps you have a few narcissistic traits and you don’t know it. Perhaps you have issues with codependency which draws you to narcissists. Knowing your personality and behavior, and being able to change unhealthy behavioral patterns and schemas is the first step to disentangling the attraction to narcissists. If you have some narcissistic traits, you would want to examine yourself and change them, so that you don’t inflict the same harm on others. Several times, I have questioned if I am a narcissist myself.

You will develop empathy for other people in toxic relationships and become a beacon of light for those people. Your lived experiences could be the voice for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Your encouragement and empowering messages could be the catalyst for someone else to break up with an abusive spouse. 

You will learn to stop sweating the small stuff and let nature take its course. Small matters would seem inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. After all, your life was ravaged by a major shitstorm, and walking on eggshells or landmines everyday is not exactly healthy for one’s mental health.

Naturally, after dating a narcissist, you would be inclined to blame yourself for ending up in this predicament. However, you should know that love is blind, and the charming demeanor of narcissists attracts victims like moths to a flame. You couldn’t stop this train wreck of a relationship, and neither could you turn back time. Hopefully, you can learn from your mistakes and steer clear of love-bombing and intense first encounters with your potential significant other in the future. 

If you start to date a normal person, perhaps, you will become more optimistic about your current relationship. You will start to see the glass as half-full instead of empty, and admire your partner’s good qualities. Perhaps you will start to disregard minor quirks and personality flaws which would bother you in a typical relationship. After all, you felt like you were poisoned by a snake in your past relationship with your narcissistic partner, thus, your current relationship will seem blissful in comparison.

I think by the end of this article, you know deep down in your heart, the answer is an unequivocal no. Well, unless you have masochistic tendencies. But if you can’t help it, go into the relationship with your eyes wide open. It might make you a stronger person, and you may gain new insights along the way. But the proverb goes:”Bliss is ignorance”, and in more than one way, it rings true. Try to get out of the relationship before you become enmeshed to the person or it might take a toll on your mental health.

We have discussed several red flags in the article, ie. what to look out for when dating a narcissist. Those who have dated people with narcissistic personality disorders may be able to relate and empathise as well. You may be reeling from the shock and healing from your emotional scars. Nonetheless,  we can learn from our experiences and turn our negatives into positives. Some narcissists are really oblivious about the harm that they have done to others.