For the Insecure: How to Stop Being Clingy and Annoying

Insecurities are deeply rooted in a child’s personality from a young age. By understanding where this insecurity comes from, we can start working towards the inner critic that controls our lives. Psychologists divide the causes of insecurities into two separate areas.

The first reason is ingrained in our minds by the media itself which exploits our underlying emotions regarding our self-image in the form of insecurities. Our generation is often referred to as the ‘narcissistic generation’ as we all have an inflated sense of self due to the waves of insecurities that we have to deal with daily. Our insecurities are a vehicle for the media to influence our behavior so that they could feed off the negative thoughts embedded in our minds. This then forces us to compare ourselves to other people as we continue to scrutinize our weaknesses which eventually affects our self-esteem. 

The second reason is deep-seated in our early childhood experiences. These experiences then shape our responses to different events in our adult life. E.g., if a child’s parents left him/her at an early age so he/she may start questioning if something is wrong with them. Similarly, if a child’s parents are intrusive, it can make the child set boundaries by being introverted and insecure about themselves. These happenings could then translate into the child looking for something/someone to hold onto in their adult lives. They may feel the need to find comfort and a sense of security in someone else other than their parents.

These feelings unravel themselves as a person starts getting attached to someone later on in their lives who they may remotely feel safe around. This explains how a child’s inner voice is shaped at an early stage of development by negative comments or actions directed towards them.

The first step to making improvements in your relationship is when you admit that you are clingy. Once you’ve taken note of this, you’ll then be in a position to make positive changes in your life. Being in denial about your toxic traits will make your relationship with your partner suffer at the end of the day.

When we starting putting the needs of others before ourselves, we often leave behind the stuff we are currently doing to spend time with our lover. Putting yourself first will help you and your partner acknowledge the fact that your world doesn’t entirely revolve around them.

At times, being clingy could be in a form of constantly expressing your love to your partner through physical contact- kisses, hugs, etc. Some people aren’t comfortable with being too touchy-feely, so respecting their boundaries will help you come off as being less clingy than before. You can always resort to other means of showing affection to your partner by keeping their boundaries in mind.

If you are prone to being clingy by continually asking for attention from your partner, so you might want to keep yourself busy by planning your day ahead of time. This will also help you stay on track about the situation at hand.

Setting aside some time for your friends and family will not only keep you busy but it will also encourage your partner to do the same. This will create a healthy balance in your relationship where you both interact with other people as well as a means of nurturing important relationships in your lives.

Being clingy does not necessarily mean being physically present but in today’s world where vast technological advances have been made, you can easily contact your partner with a touch of a button. You should set a time for yourself where you note your off-screen time; this will ensure a certain level of healthy distance to be maintained in the relationship.

Believing that our partner ‘completes us’ encourages the idea of being clingy with the other person. Just because your partner may have differing interests as opposed to yours, doesn’t mean you have to stop doing them. You should maintain your social circle which will ensure that you don’t rely on your partner for everything.

Appreciating your self-worth will make your partner value your presence more as you then don’t constantly have to live in the fear of your partner leaving you. Practicing self-care and broadening your perspective on different topics can help boost your self-confidence as you invest time in yourself.

Starting with something new will keep you on your feet for a few hours, keeping you away from your partner for a while. If you and your partner maintain doing what you loved doing before the feelings for each other began to brew, so your relationship will continue to bloom in the long-term.

Going down the ‘what if’ tunnel of endless possibilities will bring not bring out a positive outcome as you may start to think of the things that could go wrong. You may then find yourself, victim, to hypothetical situations where you may then start to foster feelings of mistrust and doubt which could negatively affect your relationship.

For some people, clinginess is a result of a lack of trust in the relationship. Sitting down and talking to your partner about these issues will help you overcome this problem.

At times, being clingy stems from the misconception that you need someone to support you and help you in every step of your life. This however is not true as this may stunt your growth as a person as you won’t be able to complete tasks yourself which may take a hit on your self-esteem.

Insecurities are not always a chronic state of mind as they could be a momentary phase of the mind as well. Insecurities are the byproducts of our lives, relationships, and workplace combined, which can be dealt with healthily by bringing ourselves to terms with our strengths and weaknesses.

To do this, you need to start surrounding yourself with supportive people and not people that make you feel uncomfortable and insecure when you are in their presence- this may also include your partner. If you think that you are being clingy with your significant other, whatever the reason may be, you must start distancing yourself from the relationship for a while to focus on yourself.

The reason that you may want to start distancing yourself from the relationship doesn’t always have to be associated with your infirmities but it could be a result of your partner’s fallibility. Your defense for being clingy or overly attached to the other person could include you not trusting your partner or your partner’s deceptive behavior in the past which makes it difficult for you to believe what they are saying. Having said that, you must proceed to check up on your self-esteem which may be at stake once you proceed to take such a step.

Also knowing that there could always be ways to start afresh with a relationship will help you take your mind off the issue as you start to believe that the reasons behind you being clingy or being insecure are something that only you will know. You might fear that the world may judge you based on your insecurities but the truth is that these insecurities are not taken into account by other people; you will then eventually realize that it is your approach to things that restrict your abilities in different aspects of life.

Understanding the root cause of your insecurity will help you grow as a person in the long-term. Dr. Robert Firestone established a method called ‘Voice Therapy’ which serves the purpose of finding the fundamental cause of your insecurities. This therapy consists of five main steps:

The first step of voice therapy includes writing down the critical assumptions that you have about yourself on a piece of paper. E.g., you jot down “I am clingy, why am I like this?” or “I easily get attached to the people I’m currently dating.” This step will help you differentiate between your real perception of yourself and the way you believe other people see you.

In the second step, you start to breakdown the reasons for your insecurities which could help you trace back your early life experiences or people that shaped those insecurities.

You will now bring forward these insecurities and you will talk about them from a third person’s point of view which will give you a holistic approach to what might not be that relevant in someone else’s eyes. E.g., if you feel that you get overly attached to someone in a relationship so might want to draw out realistic statements as to why that happens and then move onto how you can fix it.

In this step your bridge the gap between your insecurities and the questions you put down in step 3. You may start by asking the following questions: how does your partner affect you at work or your personal life? How do you affect his/her personal affairs and work? Do you undermine them or do they undermine you? What triggers this insecurity? In what areas of your life does this insecurity play a great role?

Lastly, the last step involves you making a plan to change these behaviors/habits. If your insecurity is preventing your relationship from growing or moving forward or giving the other person some space to breathe, so it’s time to deal with these intrusive thoughts and unleash the more positive side of yourself.

Understanding that your entire focus shouldn’t be on a particular entity is important or else the relationship will start to suffer. Acknowledging your negative behavior and taking steps to fix that will stop its effect from perpetuating into other aspects of your life is the healthy way to go about it!