“The weather’s great today, isn’t it?” Ah, small talk. It’s easy to express, doesn’t require too much effort to continue, and is usually done to avoid awkward silences. However, small talk is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. There is so much more conversation that could be tapped underneath.
It’s extra tricky for couples, whether you’re new in the relationship or have been together for years. The concept of deep conversation could be too intimidating or non-existent, respectively. Let’s change that perception, shall we?
What Is Considered Is Deep Conversation?
How does one define a deep conversation? Regardless of the topic being discussed, an in-depth discussion happens when vulnerability and inner feelings are involved. When the people engaged in a dialogue begin opening up about personal stuff like what they think about a topic or how they feel about it, this is usually considered a deep conversation. It is this glimpse of one’s perspectives, despite the subject, that makes a conversation deep.
You can be talking about politics, but from a non-involved point of view, or you can be talking about cars and explaining how this particular model is your all-time favorite. The first is not deep conversation even though it covers a big topic, while the latter can be called tagged as one. Of course, you can talk about religion, values, beliefs, politics, human rights, and the like from a personal angle, thus engaging the other party into deep conversation.
The person you are talking to might share the same perspectives or stand on the opposite side of the fence – either way, deep conversation spurs communication wherein one statement leads to another. It is important to note that handling deep conversation takes skill in ensuring boundaries aren’t crossed, and no one is offended by the exchange.
Are These Types Of Conversations Preferred Over Small Talk?
For any relationship to progress, whether platonic, romantic and the like, deep conversation is required. It’s like with every covered topic, you take a shovel and dig deeper on your foundation with that person. Hence, a deep conversation is a necessity.
Yet, it’s not usually preferred, given the level of vulnerability involved. You can also find people who thrive in deep conversation, while others choose to stay away from it. It all boils down to one’s preference, and if you deem a particular connection is worth enough to develop into a relationship. Those in the latter scenario can’t really get out of having deep conversations because these are crucial to establishing a stable relationship foundation.
What Does A Deep Conversation Have That A Small Talk Can’t Deliver?
Intimacy, vulnerability, and discovery – these are, perhaps, the top three things that a deep conversation has over small talk.
You start with vulnerability, wherein one person opens themselves up during a conversation. This means the floor is open for judgments and prejudices to be made on that person by those listening. Of course, discovery is the preferred effect, and not those two previously mentioned scenarios.
As people listen in on others making themselves vulnerable regarding a topic, there is space for discovery. Discovery in a way that those listening learn something new about that person and discovery for the person speaking because they could make themselves known. As the conversation continues, each side could stumble upon new opinions and perspectives – something they didn’t cover before.
Once someone becomes vulnerable in conversation, and there is discovery being made, intimacy is strengthened. It is common knowledge that people who share deep conversations are closer together.
20 Interesting Deep Conversation Topics for Couples
If you’re wondering what some of the topics you and your special someone can talk about to initiate deep conversation, here are 20 examples start with.
1. Let’s say you won the lottery; without putting much thought into it, what are the top five things you would spend it on?
This question is straightforward and may seem superficial, but the answers could pave the way for so much communication to happen. You’ll never know just what that person would spend their instant riches on. Yet from there, you can get a glimpse of their priorities in life.
2. What are your goals in life? By when do you expect to achieve them? Are you on schedule?
You can’t get to know someone in a more profound sense if you don’t cover the future. You both can open up about dreams, aspirations, and where you are at in the present in achieving them.
Furthermore, you can see if your goals match or can be worked around the relationship. While they don’t need to intertwine perfectly, a couple’s personal goals should go in a parallel direction and not perpendicular, as the latter would make it extra challenging to compromise and maneuver.
3. How important is my career to you? Would it be enough to make significant sacrifices?
In line with the previous topic, you can also ask just how important your career is in the relationship. Would it be high up enough for big sacrifices such as settling down elsewhere or enduring a long-distance relationship, perhaps? A follow-up question could be on the issue of taking turns in sacrificing for the partner’s career.
4. What’s your take on cheating? Is it a deal-breaker?
This question is highly subjective and would begin a long conversation for any couple. What comprises cheating? Is flirting cheating? If one cheat, are second chances possible, or it’s an immediate end to the relationship? When tackling this topic, there needs to be respected for each person’s perspective on the issue to guarantee a healthy and compelling conversation.
5. Kids. Yes or no?
This alone could be a monumental conversation in case your answers aren’t on the same page.
Here’s another big one that is hopefully covered before marriage because it will be extra challenging to discover you are on different pages when married. Some couples divorce because one finds out the other doesn’t want kids and have no way of changing their minds. Start with deciphering if it’s a yes or a no. From there, you can talk about how many kids, when is the best time, and so on.
6. What do you consider a big mistake in your life? How did you recover?
We all have that one (or more) mistakes in life that we regret. It’s usually something so big that it took all of your courage and energy to get back up. Whatever it may be, it is a story worth sharing with someone you trust.
7. Do you have that one advice from someone that changed your life?
You can take a moment to think if there is a phrase or piece of advice from someone who has changed your life for the better, and it is now your motto. You could share it with your partner and explain why.
8. What are the things I do that annoy you?
This one is a biggie and would often surprise the person asking. However, it is an excellent way of discovering pet peeves that could be adjusted to make the relationship even better. Yes, this can open a big can of worms; therefore, no one is allowed to get offended.
9. Can you recall priceless memories from childhood that you are willing to share?
To become vulnerable with someone, talk about their childhood and their sweetest memories. That moment of reminiscing is so worth it.
10. What makes you truly happy?
They say life is all about pursuing happiness. Just what is happiness for each partner? It may be being surrounded by loved ones, buying a house and settling down in a home, getting that promotion – whatever it may be, exposing it with your partner takes you one step closer towards it.
11. What do you value most in a friendship?
Here is another example of a highly subjective topic. The answers would be so varied, exciting, and informative.
12. What is your dream career?
In case this hasn’t been covered in the past, you can check if your partner’s current job is in line with their dream career. If not, could it be a temporary stepping stone or a sacrifice? Are there ways to change that?
13. What fills up that beautiful mind of yours the most?
It could be the thoughts at that moment or a topic that your partner is concerned about; hence, they’re always thinking about it.
14. List down the top five things on your bucket list.
This is a fun topic to cover, plus it sets several goals for the relationship, especially if there are shared activities on the bucket list. You can take it a step further and schedule checking off the items on the list.
15. What memory in our relationship is your favorite?
If you’re in the mood for something sweet or romantic, you can reminisce with your partner on your precious memories shared together.
16. You were given three wishes. What would they be?
Here’s another fun and very informative question to ask. Once again, you can discover so much about the other person just with the answers to this question.
17. You’re stuck on a deserted island for a week. Name three things you would bring.
This might be a simple conversation starter, but it could really expose someone’s priorities.
18. Did you see yourself change after getting into a relationship with me? Like habits and perspectives. Care to share?
People say that the best relationships push each person to become the best version of themselves. It might take some digging, but if you’re in a well-established relationship, chances are, habits or preferences have changed.
19. Why did you marry me?
If you’re married, you can ask this randomly to get an interesting answer every time. It’s common for your partner’s response to change depending on the current environment. If you’re not married, you can ask, “Do you think this relationship is for the long term?”
20. Have you ever thought about death? How would you go about it if given a choice
In your sleep, with family, alone, quick, painful? This is a very personal topic to cover and requires trust within the relationship.
What Are The Advantages Of Deep Conversations? Any Disadvantages?
Much like any dialogue exchanged between parties, some risks and benefits could occur. Let’s tackle the disadvantages first.
When deep conversation occurs, you dig deeper and deeper, exploring new concepts and angles to a topic. Imagine the group holding shovels and exploring the vast world beneath. One risk would be getting lost and diverting from the original topic. You might pause and wonder how you ended up talking about existential crises when you started with the benefits of blueberries.
Another disadvantage would be confusion. This could be a side effect of the risk mentioned above. Such a multi-faceted topic could be confusing for some people. Consequently, those who don’t know much about a particular concept might feel like it’s unfair for the expert to know so much while they are left confused and grappling.
Lastly, some people could get offended when some words are shared that extend past a person’s bubble of comfort. We’ll talk more about this later.
As for the advantages, you have happiness, satisfaction, and contentment. When you’re deeply engaged in conversation with someone, you feel very content at the end. Pat yourselves on the back because deep conversation is an accomplishment that is fulfilling.
You can also achieve so much with deep conversations such as understanding, solutions to problems, opportunities, and more. You can engage with someone on a current issue that requires an answer, much like a brainstorming session.
Risk Of Getting Offended
There is always a risk that one, both, or everyone in the conversation would get offended by what the person talking has said. Although this cannot be entirely avoided, it is recommended to remember that deep conversations often entail personal preferences, beliefs, values, and experiences.
Hence, other people don’t have the right to judge. Unless, of course, the person talking is making a direct jab at another person’s opinions. To keep the conversation healthy and engaging, the one talking should be wary of their words and assumptions while those listening should always extend the benefit of the doubt.
How Do I Become Better At Deep Conversations?
To become better at deep conversations, one must practice being in them. Start with small talk and go a little deeper each time.
You would also need to time it well when the other person is relaxed, and you see them being more inclined to intimacy and vulnerability.
You can start with a topic that is interesting for the other person to get them talking. Save your preferences for later.
To get the conversation going, consider beginning one with like-minded people. This way, you’re sure the conversation won’t die down.
In case you’re with someone that you don’t know too well, you can open up first to break the ice. When that person sees you becoming vulnerable, this will prompt them to do the same.
Lastly, learn to listen well and ask questions at the right moment. This way, you let the other person know that you are interested in what they have to say, making them more comfortable to open up some more.
Deep conversation is not reserved for introverts or over-thinkers. Anyone can get into this habit that brings people closer together. What’s great about it is you can have an engaging exchange with anyone on almost any topic you could think of. This gives you so much room to get the hang of holding deep conversations, which is a skill that needs to be retained in this fast-paced, digital world.