How To Get Over An Affair And Move On

Nothing can be more painful in a marriage relationship than to discover that one's spouse has been cheating or unfaithful. Sometimes, the pain and shock that often attend such discovery are better said than experienced. It is easy for a person who hasn't experienced it or known how it hurts to tell someone to just forget about it and move on. But then, no one knows where and how a shoe pinches except the one wearing it. Here is someone you have given your all to, someone who has known you in and out. You sleep and wake in the same bed every day and you have always satisfied them to the best of your ability. All of a sudden, you just discover that in spite of all your efforts, they have been involving in an affair. It can indeed be traumatizing. No matter how much the unfaithful spouse tries to beg or show remorse, it can actually be difficult erasing such marital breach out of one's mind. You'll be angry at them and wished you never met them in the first place. Considering forgiveness can appear next to impossible and in certain cases, you may even be considering a divorce. Be that as it may, it is not impossible to get over the situation. You and your spouse can still make up and stay together as happily as before even after infidelity. The secret to this is explained in this article.

Before identifying the reasons many people get involved in an affair, it needs to be stated that no reason, however genuine it may appear, is justifiable for the act. Having an affair is bad and condemnable. It is something that can shatter homes and even generations to come. However, one may not be able to get over it unless one can identify the cause(s). The first cause of marital infidelity is a faulty family upbringing. A broken home in most cases produces a broken child. When the parents of a child are divorced or do not agree during the childhood days, the result can be an adult with unstable affection. It is possible to be corrupted by the negative influence of peers and allies. Today, it is almost a common thing to see people getting involved in both pre and extra-marital affairs. Also, if a person has friends who see nothing bad in them, one may also be negatively influenced. The nature of marriage is such that husbands and wives must stay together in one place. When, because of work or other reasons, couples stay or live apart, infidelity may not be far from their doors. A time will come and it's usually unannounced when nature will call on either of them. When the partners are not around to meet the emotional needs of each other, the help of an external person may just be sought. That aside, some people are just covetous. Even if they have all the human beings in a city as spouses to themselves alone, they still won't be satisfied. Only when there is something done to get rid of that spirit of covetousness in them, it will be impossible for them to quit being unfaithful. Similarly, so many marriage partners do not experience peace in their homes. It's either the wife is not submissive enough or the husband is too exacting. In some cases, it is the husband who is sexually incapable. There are many wives who have had to go outside their marriage to seek sexual satisfaction because their husbands cannot satisfy them in bed. Infidelity, in this case, cannot be addressed unless the cause of the unhappiness in the home and sexual incapacitation is resolved. The list can go on and on. Depending on individuals and circumstances involved, the reason can be one or a combination of all of these. But as earlier stated, no reason is good enough for getting involved in an affair.

If you have found yourself trapped in the web of marital infidelity, some things can still be done to stop it. Yes, you can get over it. Every habit that is learned can be unlearned although the process can be long and tedious. Here are some of the steps you can follow to get over promiscuity.

This is often the first step to achieving any great feat in life. Ending an affair can be equated to trying to lose weight. If you are not determined, you may start well and lose focus along the way. Your determination to put an end to infidelity will help restrict you even when further temptation comes. Truth be told, you'll constantly be tempted to return to the person you've been having an affair with. But when the willingness to put an end to the act is there, every other measure suggested below can be utilized and success is guaranteed.

As you look at the pain and shock you have caused your spouse on account of your infidelity, you may be overwhelmed by a huge sense of guilt. In fact, you may sometimes wish that the ground opens and swallows you up. But then, you have to forgive yourself. Let's face it, it can sometimes be easier for people to forgive us than for us to forgive ourselves. You still feel you are not supposed to have done that but then, because the deed has been done, you have to let it go. One way to forgive yourself is to confess your wrong. The more you try to justify the act, the more difficult you find forgiving yourself to be. Admit that you have done a wrong thing and ask for forgiveness from your spouse.

You should expect that your spouse will trust you less, respect you less and probably get annoyed with you on almost every issue because of what has happened. It is natural. But you can win your love, trust, and respect back if you are patient enough. You don't have to get upset too at such moments. In fact, in a society where having an affair is a taboo, you may find yourself being ostracized or friendless. If you will ever get over the situation, you will have to stay humble, accept the consequences of your action and respect your spouse's right to flare up. As much as it lies within your power, avoid doing things that may bring up the past experience. Apologize where necessary and display a high sense of maturity.

Putting aside covetousness and a faulty upbringing, most marital infidelity begins as a result of bad communication between couples. Disaffection usually arises when there are unmet expectations in the bedroom. Perhaps one person likes sex frequently while the other person sees sex as a weekend thing. And because no one wants to talk about it, a time bomb is built up somewhere which later explodes in the form of an affair. Although it will now be difficult telling your spouse what your sexual needs are especially because you’ve been caught in an affair, it will do you no good either trying to conceal it. Tell them how and when you want it. Let them know how vulnerable you are if your needs are not met. Such honest and open communication will enable each person to adjust and you both can reach a compromise.

You really need to make a committed effort to hate your secret lover(s). And when I say hate, I mean it. Unless you hate them, you cannot love your spouse. Delete all their memories from your mind by getting rid of their pictures and every other thing that can remind you of them. Avoid picking up their calls and replying to their texts. This is how they too will get the message. If you think you can still maintain a friendship with your illicit partner(s) and get over an affair, you are deceiving yourself. They have all the lines to use on you to lure you back. If they are avoidable, avoid them. If they are not, minimize contact with them. You will find this challenging at first especially because of the emotion you have once shared. However, if you can follow it through for a month, you have overcome them. Sometimes, avoiding them may mean no club meeting or outing or partying for some time. It's a sacrifice worth paying.

This may sound weird to you but it is the truth. You have found yourself in illicit affairs because you do not love your spouse. At best, you are just in love with them. Loving someone and being in love with them are two different things. To love your partner, you need to make a decision. And that decision will involve you literarily closing your heart, mind, and eyes to every other person and opening them to your spouse. No doubt your spouse will have some weaknesses but when you decide to love them, you close your eyes to those weaknesses and focus more on their strengths. It is not enough to just let go of a person or habit: one has to replace such person or habit with someone or something else. We aren't designed to be empty. Since you probably have a spouse, why not allow them to take over the roles your illicit partner(s) once assumed in your life? Spend more time with your spouse, have more fun together and in fact, more sex together. One great law of affection is paying more attention to someone. Don't be surprised, that woman or man you find unattractive will suddenly change and become your best friend if you get closer.

There is a stage where having an affair has become an addiction. That is when it has ceased from being just an occasional error to becoming a habitual character. And not very many people can help themselves any longer when it has gotten to this stage. Here, you know the damage the act is causing you and your family, you long to make a change, you've probably tried several times but you still find yourself stuck in your illicit relationship, and it's time to see the professionals. Get in touch with a marriage counselor, psychologist or even your spiritual father. One cannot rule out the possibility of being taken over by a strange spirit and that is the reason you must let your trusted spiritual person be aware of your challenge. They can better offer the assistance that is unique to your challenge.

As earlier stated in the opening paragraph of this piece, discovering that one's spouse has been unfaithful can be devastating. The feelings that come with it can be equated to the ones we have when we lose a very close relative. It's usually a painful experience. But then, you don't have to call it quits with them especially if it's just an error. That is if it's not their way of life. You can get over it and still stay together in love and happiness as you've once been. Here is how to go about that.

Grieving is part of the healing process. There is a reason humans have been created with the capacity to grieve. When unfortunate incidences come our way and we take time to grieve very well, it makes our recovery easier and whole. On discovering that your spouse has been keeping multiple partners, you are likely going to be shocked. In fact, at first, you may want to deny it. This is so because you just find the whole thing incredible. However, as the reality of the act begins to dawn on you, you may begin to experience some kinds of anger that if not controlled, can lead you to commit a crime. Chances are that you don't even feel you want to stay together with him or her anymore. Whatever emotion spring up in you, never consider bottling them. If you feel like crying, please do. Express your displeasure about the whole thing howbeit in a comely manner. If you can, please restrain yourself from raining curses on your spouse or inflicting physical injury on them. You may live to regret it.

Just after you have grieved enough for the unfortunate incidence, take some time to know why your partner did what they did. You may be surprised to find yourself showing some empathy for them by this step. Your discovery here will help you make up your mind whether to still stay together or call it quit. If you find the reasons baseless, you may not want to stay together anymore. But if you would look deeper, you may find yourself not to be totally exonerated from your spouse's misdeed. When your spouse's affair is circumstantial, you may want to pursue healing and recovery. Now, you are no longer seeing it as their affair but "our affair." You now realize that when one of you falls, it's most likely the fault of the person standing. So, get to know why it happened so you can know how to prevent further occurrence.

Things actually change and the person initially feeling exonerated may now begin to feel guilty. If you realize you had a hand in your partner's infidelity, you may start feeling bad and struggling with forgiving yourself. Avoid sinking into that pit of regret. Forgive yourself. It's true you may have been complacent at a point but no reason justifies infidelity. When you are through with yourself, help your partner to forgive themselves by forgiving them. Expectedly, they would have been overwhelmed by a sense of guilt, so, be kind enough not to add to it. Forgive them. The truth is this: as you forgive them, something is happening within you too, you are experiencing peace of mind. You may not forget your partner once had an affair, but when you remember, the anger, disappointment, and resentment are no longer there. You now see it as one of the experiences of life.

This decision may include getting closer to your partner to understand what their needs are. Maybe you have been rationalizing too much and thinking they'll be okay, by the time you get closer, you can get to know what you need to start doing differently. Your decision here to support your spouse will also help them know you have truly forgiven them. They are probably going to ensure such incidence does not occur again.

Infidelity is no small an issue in marriage. It can be painful especially to a partner who has been faithful all the while. It's like spitting right into someone's face -- it's that bad. But it does happen. And when it does, life must continue. Among every other thing, this article has shown that a blissful family life even after an affair is still possible. We don't have to dwell on a sordid past when we can write the future. Often, both partners are responsible in a way for the unfaithfulness witnessed in their marriage. And where both will agree to identify why either of them would have to be unfaithful, an affair may not be the end of their marriage after all.