How To Make Him Come Back To You
Don't take no for an answer; make him come back.
If we were all perfectly content with what life hands us, it would have one happy, peaceful and boring world. Break ups are one example of the curve balls life likes to throw at us. In most cases, they leave at least one person disgruntled. And when I hear people saying they’ve had a mutual and amicable break up, I go, “Yeah right!” under my breath. Let’s admit it, it’s the rarest of the rare possibilities that two people would have the same problems in the same intensity at the exact same time. It’s always one of the two people in the relationship that wants out first. They'll be the one who initiates the break up process. Even if it is the closest thing to a “mutual” break up, one of them always wants it a little less. So, if you’re unhappy now that he’s ended it, or maybe you both had a fight that got way out of hand and you’re left listening to a lot of Lionel Ritchie songs, know that you’re not alone. You do have hope. If you follow a few simple steps discussed below, you could get him to come back to you. But before that, for your own well-being, there are a few things to consider.
Why do you want him to come back?
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The only valid answer to this question is that you love him and truly believe you’re made for each other. You simply got caught in an unfortunate situation that blew out of proportion and now you want to fix that. Any other reason would not lead to a healthy relationship ahead. The reason can’t be that you’re lonely or you're way too dependent on him or that you want him to come back so you could break up with him again to teach him who the boss is. As tempting as that last reason is, it will ensure the start of a toxic relationship which you want to avoid, for obvious reasons. Therefore the reason for making him come back is just as important as the ways of getting him to come back, if not more. Once you have that cleared out, move straight to the next step.
Analyze the reason for the break up
It is important to know for sure what the problem is before you attempt to solve it. Every relationship has fights, but what was so serious that made him dump you (or made you dump him, whichever way it went)? Had he been complaining about something you did? If he left because he thinks you had issues, you might want to address them first. Also, sometimes people simply get bored with the routine nature of a relationship, as superficial as it sounds. Maybe he just wanted a fresh start. That's a sign for you to make certain changes in your attitude and in your life, so as to avoid being that woman who bores the hell out of him. In other words, you gotta track down and destroy whatever it was that soured your relationship the first time.
The one crucial thing for making him come back
I’ll sum up the whole process in one simple sentence: you need to be a different person than who he dumped, in a good way. That doesn’t mean you have to change your very being. In fact that’s not even desirable, since he fell in love who you are first, before he dumped you. You need to retain the good attributes that he likes and remove the ones he dislikes. In other words, you have to show him an upgraded 2.0 version of you that will make him ask, “Why did I ever dump you in the first place?” Now before you pounce on me with your feminist and humanist argument that no one should change themselves to be liked or validated, here’s my argument: yes, they should. Change for the better is good. Change for the better is necessary. Individuality and everything is great but if you suck as a person, you need to change for anyone who’ll ever cross your path. Of course, that’s assuming that the problems he had are both relevant and reasonable. But if he broke up with you because you’re 5 feet 2 inches and he demands to date a 5 feet 10, refer to the part where I said honey, you don’t wanna have this moron back in your life. Yes, it is his right to demand what makes him happy, but it is also a sign that a man with unreasonable demands should never be a part of your life. However, if he’s been reasonable and you now admit to yourself that you could indeed do with a little tweaks in your habits and behavior, that’s where you start. Below, I’ll break down the process into 10 different steps.
#1 Don’t play the blame game – he’ll never come back
Quit the squabbling!
I know exactly what you want to do right after a break up – scream your lungs out, counting the innumerable number of flaws your partner has that made your life a living hell. Been there, done that. BUT, resist the urge. Use all your strength to make sure you internalize any complaints you have and end it on a classy and respectable note, because that is the last thing he’ll remember of you. Don’t call his friends or family trying to gain their sympathy. When common friends ask, just reply with a simple “things didn’t work out”. He might have dumped you, but at least he’ll remember you as that classy lady who handled the break up very gracefully. And that is important. Because you’re gonna build up on this positive (supposedly) last impression.
#2 Don’t block him on social media
I know you’ve heard the opposite. But I’ll reiterate: don’t block him on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or even over mail. The reasons are two-fold. First off, I really believe blocking people on social media (unless they’re total creeps or jerks) just because you’re annoyed is extremely childish. It shows the other person that you’re affected deeply enough to do that, and that’s exactly the opposite of what you want to prove. You want to show him that you’ve maturely accepted his decision and are trying to move on with your life, holding absolutely no grudges. You’ll earn his respect, doubled over from the previous step. The second reason is even though you want to be on your own, you also don’t wanna be completely out of sight. You know how the saying goes. Being out of his mind is the LAST thing you want right now.
#3 But don’t contact him either
However, the caveat to the previous step is that it will be much more difficult to not contact him. AT ALL. This is one of the most important steps. Under no circumstances should you call or text him, drunk or sober. Get a friend to monitor your actions, uninstall all social media apps from your phone until you’re immune enough to see a new picture of him and not react. And did I mention not to call or text him? Also, even though you’re (virtually) connected with him on social media, you might want to stay away from it for a while. The first reason being you’re just not ready with your upgraded Pro version 2.0 yet. Second, you want to create a bit of mystery about yourself. It’s natural for fresh exes to be curious of each other’s whereabouts, trying to figure if their life is now better than yours. When he does finally see you again, you should be leading the best possible life.
#4 Focus on self-development
Once you’re through with the lady-like behavior, it’s time to go all out badass. But with yourself. You’re now going to work on developing yourself to be the woman ANY man would want to come back to over and over again. That is, if they left at all. Hit the gym like you’ve never done before. Put that life size poster of Adriana Lima up on your wall (he’s not around to judge anyway). Consume content from books, articles, and podcasts that nourish your mind and soul. I’ve always believed there is a goddess within every woman that just needs to be woken up. All you have to do is be a little less lazy. Sadly though, today’s generation loves to perpetrate the idea of a lazy lifestyle behind the façade of “self love”. On the contrary, self love is when you’re willing to do everything to make sure you have a healthy body, an inspired mind, a loving soul, and a full pocket. The only person stopping you from achieving all of this is you.
#5 Also focus on self-contentment
This might not seem very important, especially in the urgency of wanting to get your ex back, but it really is a crucial step. Being content is the step to take to ensure that the change in you is not shallow or superficial but from the inside out. This is what makes sure that he’ll not just come back, but will also stay for as long as you want him to. There’s something about being content that manifests as long-lasting happiness on an individual. And like you’ve heard a lot of times, a happy person is a beautiful person. You want to feel truly happy in the inside for you to glow on the outside, that will attract every person to you like a moth to fire. Your ex very much included. And it is safe to say that if you practice Step 4 to perfection, you’ll be content with the person that you become, leading to more confidence in yourself, in turn leading to overall success in life, that will all ultimately lead to all-round contentment.
#6 Dress to impress
Of course! You probably knew this before you even started reading this article. Men are visual creatures. No matter how much they say they appreciate brains and brawn, they really can’t help being attracted to every shiny object they encounter. The advantage you have here is you already know that they like how you look, because why else did they start dating you? Maybe over the period of your relationship, things got a little too comfortable and you started showing signs of a muffin top here or a gray hair there. And he unwittingly started categorizing you as this girl who’s cute, but maybe not all that sexy. Well, that’s about to change ‘cuz you've got your new body and your new hair (I hope you do!) and you’re going to flaunt it all in that Herve Leger bodycon and Louboutin heels. He'd have to look back at least twice when he sees you like that.
#7 Be seen in his social circle
Now that you’re a hot new woman, it's time for him to get a glimpse of you. And this is why you stayed connected on social media, remember? Change that DP with a fresh new glamour shot of this fresh new person, post your snap stories, and give him a moment to gasp in wonder. You’ll also want to keep in touch with common friends, and cheekily find out where he hangs out often, only so you can “accidentally” sashay down with your girlfriends and have a good time, well within his vision. He needs to see that you don’t really miss being in a relationship (even if that is a big fat lie) and are now enjoying being single. The loss of his important role in your life will tug at his heart. However, refrain from excessively flirting with other men to make him jealous. He’ll probably see through it and label you as trashy or something of the sort. Instead, politely turn down suitors, so he feels – and more importantly, HOPES – that you might still like him.
#8 To make him come back, be truly independent
Stephen Covey in his bestselling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says that in the ideal relationship, the partners need to be not dependent, but interdependent. And that happens when you’re both truly independent. On one hand, even if he doesn’t come back, or if he leaves again, you’ll never really need a man in your life for convenience's sake. On the other hand, being independent entails that you'll never be desperate in love, which, as most men will agree, is not an attractive thing. It's seen as a sign of weakness. Possessiveness is good, but desperation is a complete no no. When your ex sees you as a person who doesn’t need other people desperately, he feels like he’s making a decision solely based out of his choice and not your need. You won't suffocate him, and we all know that for most men, personal space is everything.
#9 Casually talk to him, but play hard to get
Now that you’re dazzling right in his sights, chances are high you would want to initiate a conversation. Especially if you’ve been showing that you’re completely unfazed by the breakup and are secure in your skin and in your single status. You’re suddenly that woman he had offered to buy a drink for all those months (or years) ago. And if he did that once, he might want to do that again. Don’t be rude at all; politely say hi and smile warmly, but excuse yourself after a couple of minutes to join your friends. Inquire after his family, but not so much about him. He should feel it in his bones that you no longer belong to him. Cunning, I know, but that’s life, and it works.
#10 Ask him out for a casual coffee or say yes if he asks first
After you’ve repeated step #9 a few times, it is now time for him to get a closer look at the new person you’ve become. Initiate a casual hangout like coffee, or offer to catch up half an hour before you join your friends at the club (no dinner or movie dates!), and have an undisturbed conversation. Dress well, smell great, and unleash that wit and sense of humor. Actually have a great time; don’t sulk or be arrogant. But keep it short. Say you have to leave early today, but maybe you could do it again someday. When he tells you what he’s been up to, say you’re proud of him. But don’t tell him you’ve been stalking him all along (of course you’ve been stalking him, we're all guilty of that). And occasionally, only occasionally, bring up incidents from the old times, but only the ones that were happy and funny, and in context. He’ll remember anew why he liked being with you, and you’ve already made him forget why he left you.
And watch him come back to you in no time!
Congratulations! You’re now a complete package that comes without the baggage. He’ll be yearning to start over again, probably hitting himself over head on his way home for being so hasty in ending your relationship. But if you go through all the steps and he doesn't come back, don't be stubborn. See it as a sign that it was never meant to be. And it's also a sign that there's someone even better waiting for you!