What To Do When You Are Married But In Love With Someone Else

If you are married, and have found that you have fallen in love with someone else, this article is for you. Here is some advice for this difficult situation.

By Julie Coleman
What To Do When You Are Married But In Love With Someone Else

It Doesn't Matter How Long You Have Been Married

There are many men and women who find themselves in this unfortunate situation. They are married and have fallen in love with someone else. This is one of the most precarious and emotional situations that one can be in. After all, marriage is supposed to be forever, right? It doesn't matter if you have been married to someone for less than a year or twenty years; when cupid's arrow hits, there is no telling what the future will hold. There was a point where you did love the one that you married, but many circumstances can change that original binding agreement, leaving you to wonder what to do.

If You Are In Love, Why Are You Looking Elsewhere?

If you are married, and you just don't find yourself as happy as you once were, there is a chance that you are on your way to having an affair. Although affairs tend to be a one-sided situation, it affects both individuals. You go to bed at night and lay next to the person that you married, almost in tears because it just isn't what it use to be. You have changed. They have changed. Your whole marriage and how you feel about each other have changed. Time changes everything, and so do outside circumstances. First ask yourself, what is making your marriage not happy anymore? Is there any outside stress that is contributing to it, such as financial pressures? Some outside pressures will alleviate over time, but while a couple is enduring the event, the strong bond and feelings between two married people can change. Even after the stress is gone, the fights that have happened change your perspective, bringing out the worst in you and your partner. Have you talked to your partner about how you feel? No, you don't want just to jump in and tell him that you have to have an affair. Marriage is sometimes salvageable with a little heart-to-heart conversation or counseling. However, if there is no desire to share a happy life with this person anymore, chances are you have already committed an affair in your mind. No, you don't want to hurt someone that you live, but you can't escape what you are feeling.

If You Are Hiding Someone While Married, You Are Hiding Something

It starts off as something simple. You meet someone unexpectedly, and those sparks fly in your mind, and your stomach starts fluttering. How long has it been since you have felt this way towards your husband or wife, you start asking yourself. The feeling of meeting someone new makes you happy — it is new, exciting, and scary all at once. You start texting each other, going out to coffee, and talking on social media. However, although it may start out as "hanging out with a friend," you start thinking that it is more than that. All of a sudden, you start hiding your correspondence. You start making up excuses for why you are heading out or late from work. That's when it starts — you are officially having an affair. You have the feeling that what you are doing is wrong. After all, you married someone for life, right? But when you start hiding someone, you are starting to hide something. Many married individuals have friends of the opposite (or same) sex. In a healthy relationship, there is trust, and there is no reason to hide going out to coffee or talking to someone on the phone. The only time you start to hide it is when the guilt starts to kick in.

Till Death Do Us Part: Is Being Married Forever Normal Anymore?

The divorce rate is over fifty — perfect. When people get married, they are happy with stars in their eyes, thinking that it will last forever. After all, when our parents and grandparents got married, they truly were together until death. Times have changed when it comes to marriage. If you ask many young people today, especially those living in long-term, domestic relationships, they will say marriage is just a piece of paper. You don't need a ceremony to show that you love someone. However, the tax break is nice. The divorce rate is high because society has changed. Don't get me wrong; there are plenty of people who get married with the intent of staying married forever. However, circumstances can change — abuse, alcoholism, and meeting someone new that you have fallen in love with are all reasons that individuals look to get a divorce. It is a heart-breaking endeavor and can lead to a lot of legal battles. However, sooner or later, all will be said and done. If you are having an affair, your spouse will have the right to file divorce papers against you — and you could be responsible for this financially. In many ways, it is better to file for divorce before jumping into a new relationship. Marriage has a religious meaning, which makes affairs very difficult for religious individuals. Not only is adultery a religious crime (punishable by stoning in some countries) but divorce is also again the church as well. Younger individuals, who choose to get married at young age, are prime candidates for divorce later on in life. They believe that their high school sweetheart is the one they will be with forever — until they go to college or enter into their mid-20s. Having children can make this separation even more difficult. Individuals who get married young tend to have higher divorce rates because they end up meeting someone new and fresh that they fall head over heels in love with.

Being Married Doesn't Mean You are Still In Love

There is nothing worse than being married to someone that you no longer love. Just because you are married to someone, doesn't mean you have the same feeling of happiness that you once had. When love has fallen out of your marriage, it becomes obvious. Here you are, married to someone who knows you better than anyone. They will pick up on the signs that you have fallen out of love. Your sex life depletes. You don't talk as often. You don't go on dates or do anything fun. You long to stay at work for longer hours. There are tons of signs and symptoms. You may not realize that you are exhibiting these symptoms, but your partner will pick up on it. They may be feeling the same way. However, there is still an element of trust that they depend on because you are married. It is one thing to be distant; it is another thing to lie about why you are distant. They will start looking for the clues. They will start searching your phone or following you where you go (or offering to go with). Sometimes the fear of losing your mate brings about jealousy. How backward is that? Being jealous of the person your husband or wife has fallen in love with and not the person, you, who they married?

Do You Want Mr. X To Love You Back?

Okay, so your married and you are not happy. You don't have the same feeling towards your husband or wife. However, you have met someone new, and you have started this emotional or physical affair. It could just be a fling — or it could turn into something more. One thing to remember is that it could be a short fuse and you may not be necessarily ready for a whole new relationship. You haven't even exited the one that you are in right now! Maybe you are filling a void; something lackluster that is missing from your marriage. Maybe you aren't in love with someone else, and you just want to be alone to explore your options. Are you ready for someone else to love you back? If you are in love with someone while you are married, is there a chance that you will do this to the person you see now? Do you want to go from a serious commitment to a potentially new serious commitment? These are serious questions that you need to ask yourself. I am sure that you have done a lot of thinking. You are awake most nights trying to figure out what to do. If you need an outside opinion, get into some therapy for yourself to help you sort it out. If you don't want to waste time, and you are certain you are ready for Mr. X to love you and want to do away with being married, then there is nothing anyone can say to stop you. You have one life, and you need to live it. Actions have consequences, but over time, things seem to work out.

Love Hurts: Someone is Going to Get Hurt When You No Longer Want to be Married

It might be you. It might be your spouse. It may be this new someone you have fallen in love with. No matter what, someone is going to get hurt, and you need to be prepared emotionally for the consequences. If you work it out with your spouse, the person that you have fallen in love with or that has fallen in love with you, will be hurt. If you divorce your spouse, obviously he/she is going to be hurt. If both of them say to hell with you, guess what? You are going to be hurt. There is a lot of emotion wrangled into this type of situation. There is anger, mistrust, love, hurt; just about every spectrum of the emotional rainbow will be felt. Fear turns to relief, hurt turns to anger, love turns to mistrust. You can take a step that is going to alter your life completely. If you are married with children, you are now (even if you don't intend on it) going to hurt them also. You may end up being the bad guy. What you have to think about is whether your happiness in a potentially new relationship is worth being the bad guy. Remember, it is not just you and your spouse that are going to feel the effects of this decision. Does your new love know that you are currently married? The answer to this is important. If they do not know that you are in married, they may end up leaving you once they find out. If they do know that you are married, and they don't care, does that say a lot about who they are? Are they going to end up cheating on you in the long-run? If they truly love you, they will know how difficult this is for you, and they shouldn't pressure you to end things before you are ready. They will be patient. Just remember, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. You will eventually have to make a choice, even if that choice is to be single in the end. You always have that option as well. You may not think to end your marriage will have any lasting impacts on you, but it will. There is a lot of emotional baggage that goes along with it. It is okay to do with your life as you please, but remember, your actions will impact other people along the way.

How To Tell Someone You Don't Love Them Anymore

Here is the trickiest part of it all. Either your spouse is going to find out, or you have to tell him. It is better if you get the gall to tell him. You had the gall to start an affair, knowing what it might lead to, you have to find the strength to be honest with your spouse and tell him that it is over. This is the most difficult thing you are probably ever going to have to do. Your spouse, no matter how rotten you think they are to you, deserves to have the honest truth. Especially if they are still in love with you and have trusted you. Of course, if there is any fear that you are physical harm, breaking the news in a public place or with someone else there is something most people contemplate. The only thing is, if you break this news to your spouse in a restaurant, be prepared to be embarrassed if they don't conduct themselves well. They are embarrassed and hurt also. It is best if you don't go into too many details about what is going on. Keep it simple. Just ask for a divorce. Do not blame your spouse for anything because you need to take responsibility for what happens. Make sure that you have a place lined up to go to that evening because chances are they are not going to want you lying in bed with them. If they ask you if you are seeing someone else or having an affair, you can choose to be honest, or choose to say that you don't want to talk about it at that moment. Realize, your spouse may beg and plead; they may get angry. You need to be prepared for anything. There is even a chance that they will respond with relief and happiness because they are seeing someone as well. We all can hope for that reaction; normally that is not the case. How long you wait to tell them is up to you. The best advice is to do it sooner than later.

Life Is Too Short To Not Be With Someone That You Love

When you love someone, it is difficult to make decisions with your head. Love comes from your heart. One thing to remember is, yes, you are being selfish. However, there is one other thing to remember; you only have one life. If you are not in love with your spouse anymore and you have found love somewhere else, you have all the right in the world to follow your heart. When you are married, two lives meld into one. At that point in your life, you believe that you will love that person forever. It is the fairytale life. You marry someone because they make you happy. You only have (if you are lucky) 80-100 years on this planet. Life is fragile, and none of us want to die with any regrets. Staying in an unhealthy relationship can be more devastating to you in the long-run (more so than the difficult conversation when trying to end a relationship). There is a lot you have to think about. However, if you are certain that this is what you want, you have to find the courage deep within you to do the right thing. You may be manipulated into changing your mind again. There is no right answer. The only thing that you can do is to figure out what you are missing, whether or not your marriage is worth saving, or if your life would truly be better by entering into a new relationship with someone that you love.