Life After A Divorce: How It Initially Feels Like
Even when there are plenty and justifiable reasons to call it quits with one's partner, it is not usually an easy thing to return to singleness again after tasting the warmth and comfort of marriage. The feelings that usually follow a divorce are those of frustration, loneliness, and hopelessness. And where you have one or two children and perhaps ventures that you have both built together, you may find yourself struggling hard to deal with handling or losing them as the case may be. Nevertheless, these realities don't mean you have to get stuck in misery; you can move forward with your life and even move well. The secret lies in knowing and following some proven ways to rebuild or better put, restructure your life after a divorce. The next 15 points to be soon discussed highlight some very dependable principles and ways of going forward after a divorce. If they are followed, you can be sure to recover quickly and probably become better off than when you were still hooked to that abusive relationship. Here are they.
1. Choose Not To Be A Victim
Most times, many of us don't realize that how we live our lives, whether sorrowfully or joyfully is a choice. Yes, it is. No one is denying that some life occurrences may present sadness, gloominess, and hopelessness to us but it remains our choice to either accept or reject them. Granted, after a divorce, you are probably going to wish you never got married in the first place. You may be tempted to call yourself all sort of names - loser, failure, ugly, and the likes. In fact, there are abundant examples of divorcees going into multiple depression because they couldn't curtail their feelings. So long as you are not an angel or a deity, all of these reactions are normal; no one expects that you start jumping around that your marriage has just crashed. You may find yourself weeping and grieving and it should be emphasized again that you are not being abnormal doing so. But after that initial shock, you should choose not to remain a victim but instead, decide to be a survivor. Being a victim means you are always looking for people's pity whereas being a survivor portrays taking responsibilities. So, with the understanding of the fact that sorrow, joy, misery, gloominess are all choices, determine to make the right choice. Be a survivor. It won't be easy but if you'll purpose in your heart to think that way, you are on a good path to move forward well.
2. To Rebuild After A Divorce, Admit And Accept Realities
This is not the time to deceive ourselves; divorce has consequences. Just like the third law of motion by Isaac Newton, to every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction force. This means, for instance, if you beat a child (action), it is normal for him/her to cry (reaction). Without any intention of unduly raising your fears, some of the things you would have to deal with as you hope to move forward after a divorce are loneliness, anger, resentment, reduction in total accruable income (well, except you are wealthy), possible stigmatization, and depression. If you hope to rebuild quickly, you have to admit and accept these realities. Their acceptance would make you prepare a formidable survival mechanism that would see you get past them quickly.
3. For A Good Life After Divorce, Have A Plan
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Unless you have a workable long and short-term plan for yourself, rebuilding after a divorce can be challenging. Some of your plans would have to include how you hope to manage your finances so you don't get into crises. Effective planning on your finances may, however, require that you have to learn, re-learn, and unlearn certain things about financial management. Perhaps, prior to now, it has been your ex that has been managing this aspect but the ball is now in your court. Read books, if possible, do some personal research on how best to manage your finances no matter how big or small. If you are in your midlife before you divorced, the chances are that you already have a job; if that's the case, you have little to fear. However, if you don't have one, there is no need to panic either. You just have to double your effort and find something doing. Plan for a day, month, year, and years. You can't afford to live on assumption and presumption as a divorced person and rebuild quickly. Remember, he who fails to plan plans to fail. If you have a child to take care of, include him/her in your plans too. Let it be all-inclusive and you would not be taken aback by anything.
4. You Just Have To Let Go
Divorce leaves you with little or no control over your ex's attitude to your shared custody, namely children. They may put up an attitude that you consider dangerous for your kids and you feel like getting angry; save yourself the stress and let go. Unless they are totally being silly with or abusing the kids, you'll have to admit that such things are bound to happen where divorce has taken place. Seek workable solutions and avoid having issues with your ex. Similarly, letting go would require that you forgive your ex. Your life can hardly have any meaning if you fail to forgive. All of the experiences, the cheatings, and betrayals would always live to hunt you if you refuse to let go of them. Again, recall that forgiving others is a choice, a right choice for that matter. It gives you a clear mind and conscience which you need to lead a healthy life even after experiencing divorce.
5. To Rebuild After Divorce, Learn From Your Mistake(s)
It takes two to tango. So, where a divorce has taken place, it is not likely the fault of one person. Typically, both partners may have their own share of the faults which eventually culminated in a divorce. If you are just approaching midlife, chances are that you want to start a new relationship. That's not bad. However, before starting any relationship after a divorce, it would be nice to learn from your past. Do a self-examination and listen to your inner voice. What did you get wrong? If you could ever start again with your ex, what wouldn't you do and what do you hope you would start doing? As you carry out these self-evaluations, you may discover that you need help. Perhaps, you have been struggling with a habit or addicted to something, go ahead and seek professional help. The better you become, the happier your life even after divorce. It's only when you are through with yourself that it can be safe to start a new life with someone else. This would forestall repeating mistakes of the past.
6. To Rebuild Your Life After Divorce, Go Forward
Dreams and intentions are not enough; you have to take actions. It is not impossible that you have a great plan on how you want to live your life, don't spend too much time drifting; take the necessary action by going forward. The obstacles that often hinder our successes would not disappear so long we cherish fear and indiscipline. Take risks, howbeit calculated ones. Engage in business. Get an education or pursue a career you have discovered you need to. Marriage is indeed very important but it isn't the only facet of everyone's life. Don't let it tie you down. Spend time doing other meaningful things and keep being optimistic. Doing this would most likely bring a better life to you not minding the setbacks divorce may have initially brought.
7. For A Great Life After Divorce, Choose Friends Wisely
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Just anybody cannot be your intimate friends if you want to get back on your feet after a divorce. You just have to be choosy here. Already, you have a few things in your hands to deal with and now is not the time to deal with a friend that adds no value to you. As a rule, you should remove out of your friends' list anyone that is always negative and bitter. These are two qualities you don't need if you want to live rightly after a divorce. Such friends may want to advise that you teach your ex a lesson or make you glued to the past; stop moving with them. Some psychologists have identified that we most times, become the average of at least five of our friends. Put differently, it means that they are affirming the agelong saying that says, "Show me your friend and I will tell you who you are."
8. Listen To Your Gut
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There is an inner voice in all of us that often tells us if we are on the right track or not. Most times, when we find ourselves in challenges, broken relationships, and even divorce, it is because we have refused to heed the warnings and counsels of our inner man. As you hope to rebuild your life after an experience of divorce, chances are that you would often have a feeling of what step to take next and which set of people you should mingle with. Don't brush aside this inner voice as doing so may bring greater regret. No one can know you as much as you know yourself. And although one may advise that you seek professional help where and when you suspect you need one, your number one counselor in this matter is yourself. People may come with several suggestions but only you know what suits you most; so, listen to yourself.
Prayer has been largely underrated today by many people especially when it comes to solving a marital or relationship problem. When we have a challenge, our minds often go first to humans and the so-called professionals rather than it going up to God. This is not in any way underrating the services of professionals. Sometimes, they may be tools in God's hand to meet your needs. But truth be told, everything we've been talking about as smart ways to rebuild your life after a divorce would not be smart indeed if God is left out of it. It doesn't matter which religion you practice or the denomination you belong to; there are abundant pieces of evidence that establish the fact that there is a Supreme Being somewhere. That Supreme Being has everything it takes to restructure your life and give you a sense of purpose even after a divorce. He doesn't need your money; He knows your challenges and has everything to meet them all. All you need is to do is to fall flat at His feet and pray. You miss a lot when you neglect the privileges of prayer. Marriage is not the result of man's craftiness. We didn't just fall asleep one day and wake up to see its necessity; it was put in place by God and when things go wrong, wouldn't it be right to return to the "manufacturer"? Ask God to help you in prayer and He will. He'll delete odd options before you and give you the peace to move on so much that you if you choose to be married again, you wouldn't have to experience another divorce.
10. Mingle, But With Care
One way to deal with loneliness after divorce is to mingle with people. Perhaps, you have lost connections with a lot of people that once mattered to you because of your ex; now is the time to reconnect with them. They cannot play the role of a spouse for you but they can help you to recover faster than you just staying alone. Isolating yourself would only worsen your situation. Deal with loneliness before it starts getting the better of you. However, as a caution, you have to determine those you'll mingle with. Not everyone deserves to be your friend and not all relationship is worth having. But if you have established that some people can be trusted, feel free to move closer to them.
11. Take Out Time For Daily Meditation
Sometimes, we make wrong decisions because we refuse to take a second look at them. Meditation in itself can be a therapy. Get a journal to write down fresh ideas as they come to your heart daily so you can review those ideas. As you get to midlife, the pressure to conform increases. In fact, now that you are divorced and everyone probably knows about it, it is not impossible that some may want to take advantage of the situation. Your meditation would help calm your nerves and help you make intelligent decisions. You are not likely to fall into a wrong hand also because you now know what to look for in a partner.
12. Avoid Rushing Into Another Relationship
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A better life after divorce would mean you have to take things slowly and carefully. You see, many of the crises witnessed in marriage do not just arise when couples start living together; most times, those problems have been there, chances are that they were ignored. If you have reached what you can call your midlife and you experience a divorce, you would be tempted to bed just anybody just to assure yourself that you are still desired. Identify this tendency earlier and work against it. It doesn't matter when you find the right partner whether in your midlife or late in your life; the most important thing is to not fall into the hand of another manipulator. Be open to new relationships but then take things slowly. As a rule, ensure you get the person's commitment first before engaging in any sexual relationship with them. This is particularly important if you are a divorced woman. Men can sense that you'll be desperate and if care is not taken, they may just be up to take advantage of you after which they'll back off.
13. Enjoy Being Single
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Not minding the endless vibes and fun attached to being married today, the fact still remains that being single is never a curse. There are many benefits singleness affords too. Let no one coerce or compel you to take on a new relationship except you have decided to. A research conducted by Satoshi Kanazawa at the University of Canterbury, New Zealand has revealed that many scientists make greater exploits before they got married than after marriage. The man or woman in their lives now competes for their attention which eventually hindered their researches. So, while we are not necessarily preaching singleness here, we should also be fair to let you know that there are many benefits in it. You have greater freedom for yourself and lesser things to worry about. Also, you don't need anybody to check your plans with to carry them out once you are sure they are good ones. Therefore, enjoy these benefits. Be in charge of your midlife experiences and be the best you can be in your endeavor. What you would discover by doing this is that your health would improve and you'd be better prepared for another relationship if you choose to have one.
14. Set A New Standard
You can't afford to live your life after divorce without having and setting a standard. It is said that those who don't stand for something would eventually fall for anything and everything. Make a list of what you would never do no matter what. Also, set a standard for your dressing, talking and even your relationship to the opposite sex. As soon as you meet people falling below your set standard, then you know they are not worthy of a place in your life. Your life is precious and just anyhow person should not be let in there.
15. Try Again
When we fall, we need not get stuck there. What we have to do is to get our acts together and put together the pieces. Life should go on. Don't shut yourself up because of a disappointment. The Africans have a wise saying that if you close your eyes so as not to see evil people when they are passing by, you would also never be able to see the good ones too. Decapitation is not the solution to a headache; you just need to get the right drug and you'll be fine again. Although you should be more cautious this time around, don't be afraid of trying again.
Divorce may indeed be an end but it shouldn't be viewed as the end. It may be the end of a marriage but certainly not the end of life. Your life can surely turn out to be better after it depending on which step you take. And the 15 points given in this piece would help you rebuild your life if you religiously follow them. Bear in mind that you have an inner voice that speaks closely and personally with you and as such, don't ignore it. Your life after marriage can turn worse or better depending on how ready you are to listen to your gut.