Psychology Behind The Silent Treatment: Can It Really Fix A Relationship?

The silent treatment, a notion we are all familiar with. The dictionary defines it as: "a stubborn refusal to talk to someone, especially after a recent argument or disagreement." Some conceptualize it as a coping mechanism, others call it a narcissist's ploy to make another person feel invisible. Each and every one of us has been on the giving or receiving side of the silent treatment at least once in our lives since it is a common practice among children and adults. As children (during simpler times), since emotions were expressed more through our gestures and body language rather than verbal statements, walking away from someone with tears in our eyes and the phrase "I'm not talking to you" was easily understood. Unfortunately, some of us continued the same practice as adults after an altercation, causing unhealthy communication habits. As you break down the definition mentioned above, each word is an indication of something negative. The definition is made up of words like "stubborn," "refusal," "refusal to talk," "argument," "disagreement". Despite all of that, we use this method to resolve different types of conflict because we were raised with the mindset that the silent treatment is innocent and harmless.

The simple psychology behind the silent treatment is to ridicule the opposing person by making them feel invisible, insignificant, and neglected. A similar concept is when children plug their ears and close their eyes while screaming to avoid listening to what the other person has to say. Why do we carry these practices into our adult lives, however? Perhaps, because the society views feeling emotional and vulnerable as being inadequate and powerless. Since communicating and verbalizing an issue requires inner strength and being uncomfortable, we tend to utilize the silent treatment method either to spare someone's feelings or in refusal to hear an opposition to our own views. Lack of communication is the number one reason for failing relationships whether it's between significant others, a husband or wife, parents and children, friends, etc. The inability to properly inform another person that his or her actions are causing you distress and choosing to cope using the silent treatment instead can be harmful to all parties involved. Being the one who is inflicting the silent treatment will fail to understand what the other person is going through. Unfortunately, you make your partner feel completely invisible. While you have a "normal" conversation with others who are present, your partner is thinking about what he or she might have done to cause you so much pain that you no longer value him or her as a visible entity. While you joke and laugh with others like nothing is wrong, your partner is wondering how he or she can be the one to make you laugh again. Ignoring a problem does not make it disappear. On the contrary, it makes it bigger and worse than before because both parties tend to start overthinking said problem, which leads to losing the actual objective behind the issue, ending with a more animated and explosive resolution or lack there of.

Unfortunately, our generation is the creator and abuser of the "ghosting" tactic as well. Utilizing the silent treatment as a popular coping mechanism, we have developed a sub-tool for the dating world as well. Ghosting is a term used to define the action of slowly distancing oneself from a person or a situation without having to provide a rational justification for it, which is more commonly practiced while dating someone. Obviously, lacking the ability to confidently communicate to a person that you no longer wish to date him or her leads to using alternative methods to get the point across. The simplest way to get the point across without having to actually have the dreaded "let's see other people" or "let's end this here and move on" conversation with someone is by switching from longer conversations to shortened responses, then from shortened responses to rare and occasional responses, and eventually from rare responses to no responses or blocking the phone number and/or social media accounts. This can either mean that the opposing person gets the hint or you block them and never find out whether they continued to contact you. By avoiding the uncomfortable conversation, we leave things unsaid, which can be unhealthy for both parties involved. The "ghoster" never gets to tell the "ghosted" that he or she was unhappy about certain things that lead to the end of the dating relationship, keeping everything confined within and repeating the same communication error in future relationships due to the failure of practicing how to express. Meanwhile, the "ghosted" is left to wonder where he or she went wrong, focusing on his or her own flaws and negative characteristics, with no explanation on why they were abandoned in such a manner.

This heading speaks for itself. Do mind readers exist? No? Then, neither should the silent treatment. People are incapable of reading minds. We can read gestures, we can read body language, we can even read between the lines when someone uses subliminal hints towards us, but reading someone's mind is impossible to do. Hypothetically, it would've been a great tool to have, but we don't have the capability of doing so, probably for good reason. Communication is one of the leading causes for relationships to fail. As a society, the principles we teach our kids from a very young age all lead to embracing the silent treatment as a coping mechanism into adulthood. Principles like "don't say anything unless you have something nice to say," "when an altercation happens, walk away," "don't let them see you cry". In each one of these principles, we are choosing to walk away from the situation rather than stand our ground and express what we are truly feeling by the situation at hand. If you are the one who chooses to utilize the silent treatment, imagine the mindset of the person you are inflicting it onto. They might be aware of the basic reasons that caused the issue but they have no idea how you are feeling about it. If you are unable to properly verbalize how something made you feel, if you are unable to put your thoughts into perspective for the other person to understand, how do you expect them to figure it out on their own?

The act in itself comes from a broken being. Someone who sulks in self-pity and is convinced that nobody would understand his or her thoughts and feelings. Someone who doesn't trust others enough to disclose exactly how they feel about a certain situation. Someone who thinks that their way of thinking is higher than another person's, therefore, talking to them about it will not resolve the matter. Being able to talk things out in a relationship is a powerful way of life. It is a rather healthier way of life. Keeping things to yourself because you're convinced that either the opposing person will not understand, or they will not agree, or they simply don't deserve your empathy and forgiveness is a very selfish way of living. Silence creates distance between hearts. Silence creates barriers among people. Silence solidifies the loss of hope in a relationship or in a person. Giving someone the cold shoulder, perhaps to prove that his or her actions were unacceptable to an extent that cannot be explained or discussed is the worse form of punishment out there. Having the dreading discussion rather than being aloof takes a huge amount of courage. Being able to talk about the issue at hand rather than drowning in your own silence is a powerful tool most people choose to ignore. Envision a world where we could just talk things out rather than silently theorizing what MIGHT be wrong and why things aren't working.

Aside from relationships between family members, siblings, and friends, the dating relationship you share with a partner is one that is highly impacted by the silent treatment. The obvious reason behind that being, other relationships are easier to mend, however, a dating partner is at no obligation to stay and deal with your behavior and that often leads to a breakup. "Silently" choosing to belittle your partner by making them feel like they are not worthy of your words is extremely harmful to the relationship. This does not mean the same thing as walking away to cool off while engaging in a heated discussion, considering that could be an important tactic for some people who suffer from anger issues. Majority of breakups are caused due to two people not being compatible when it comes to communication styles. No matter what your communication style may be, whether you choose to wait a little while to discuss the issues, or you prefer to text to acknowledge the issues, or you are someone who immediately and directly brings up the problem, all of these are healthy since you choose to verbally express yourself. Engaging in the silent treatment does not let you openly discuss your point of view and prevents you from learning the other person's point of view as well. A lot of times, we make a smaller problem out to be much bigger than it needs to be because we are unable to talk about it. Silently sulking with the problem makes us imagine the problem to be unsolvable and we tend to create a negative outcome in our heads without as much as a conversation. All in all, ditch the silent treatment if you are one of those people who uses that tactic. It leads to breakups. It leads to unsubstantial doubts in our heads. It leads to unhealthy communication skills. It leads to unsaid and unheard truths. Give your partner the benefit of doubt that he or she will understand your concern and work on making things better.