12 Easy and Effective Tips on How to Talk to Women

Despite some pop psychology’s claims, men and women do not come from different planets when it comes to relationship goals. Nor do they speak a different language when it comes to communicating their wants and feelings. These so-called differences are nothing more than stereotypes, that oversimplifies the tension between attraction and insecurity. Contrary to what you have been led to believe, women do not have all the power in the relationship, nor do they feel 100% sure of their attractiveness. Women are just as insecure and tongue-tied as you when trying to initiate an interaction, so how exactly should you proceed?

It, really, all depends on your own goals for establishing communication, the social context and the point in life you are in. If you are at a singles bar, looking for a one-night stand and you approach a similar-minded person, your interaction will be rather straightforward and conducive to your shared goal – sex with no strings attached.  
 

If, on the other hand, you are approaching a woman with a more long-term goal in mind, namely a relationship, your approach should be prepared with care, since, as we all know, first impressions are extremely important in setting the tone. Moreover, non-verbal communication is so much more important than what you actually say.

This might seem silly, you are just going out with friends, but the truth is women like to see put-together men. That does not mean you should get your suit pressed or wear a tie when going to a sports bar, or a club, but it does mean clean clothes, not mended, unless fashionably so, not too baggy, and preferably without offensive catchphrases. Go for classic understatements like James Dean’ s jeans and leather jacket, or think approachable vintage appeal, like John Cusack in High Fidelity.

Women like men who project a confident vibe. Move around with grace (clumsiness, though endearing, is not exactly what women are looking for) and act like you belong there. If you don’t feel confident at all, as the adage goes, “fake it ‘till you make it”. Some expert says that you should do the superman pose before a stressful event, like a job interview or talking to women, as it will truly bolster your confidence levels. You feel more empowered and those around you will perceive you as such.

When you see a woman, you might be interested in, establish eye contact. Though you might see more than one attractive woman in the bar or club, a woman likes to feel she has your undivided attention, so do keep it one woman at the time. Pay close attention to how she responds to your gaze. Does she stare back after a few glances, does she maintain eye contact herself, does she initiate eye contact? These are all valuable clues to tell you her level of interest. If she’s staring back, keeping eye contact for a prolonged time, she is definitely into you, so what are you waiting for?

Get up, start moving and go talk to her. Most men blame their looks, their lack of money, or popularity or even their bad luck for their inexistent romantic life, but the truth is their lack of initiative is to blame. They wait until it’s too late to make their move and then look nervous, insecure, and, let’s face it, desperate. Keep your cool, walk calmly (no strutting, please), and address the woman you picked, not the table, nor the group in general. And look her in the eyes, regardless of her other many attributes. 

You should approach this situation with civility, showing your social skills are perfectly honed, as no self-respecting woman wants to be seen with a socially awkward guy. Your manners should be engaging and respectful. Your body language should convey openness and desire to engage in a conversation, so no folded arms, or hands in pockets. Avoid using foul language, and common expressions that may sound chauvinistic or objectifying, like “babe”, or “hottie”.

Why not start with the obvious, stating your first name and remarking on how you felt the need to come and introduce yourself after that shared look. She’ll probably say her name, and you should repeat is, as if trying to commit it to memory, and then go on saying your friend, cousin, aunt, etc., has that exact same name, (it doesn’t really matter who has the name, as long as you can establish common ground). The sound of our own name, uttered by somebody else, is apparently one of the sweeter sounds we can hear, so don’t be afraid to sound ridiculous.

You’ve introduced yourselves, and now the time has come for some small talk. Though you’ve probably learned that discussing the weather is one of the safest topics, it will immediately label you as either British or a bore, and if there’s no accent to show your Britishness, you’ll be instantly relegated to the second category.  How about showing your interest, by asking questions that further your research into the suitability of your selected target? Inquiring if she lives or works nearby, might help you establish your geographic proximity, but keep it generic, you don’t want to sound like a stalker. If she’s still in university, go on by asking about her field of studies, her major, and her plans for the future. If she’s working, ask about her occupation, the challenges, the achievements, etc.

Active listening is the ability to hear, understand and ask the right follow up questions. According to the experts, this skill really opens pathways of communication between people. By listening actively, you are telling her you find what she says interesting. Moreover, this will also help you determine if this woman is what you are looking for presently. You might be considering a long-term commitment, while she’s planning to join the Peace Corps.  

If she’s interested in getting to know you, she’ll probably ask questions. You should talk about yourself, but don’t overdo it. Though women appreciate success, boasting about your professional, personal or social success, is always a no-no. Talk about what you do, but keep it simple, all the while trying to establish common ground with her in terms of potential responsibilities, shared activities, etc. Even if there’s a noticeable gap between apparent incomes, don’t be patronizing, or insulting by stating or implying it, just to show off.

While in the process of getting to know her, you may feel tempted to embellish the truth, by making false claims about yourself or your abilities. Don’t! Lying, even if it is a tiny white lie, may jeopardize your potential relationship. Imagine, she says she likes horseback riding, and you claim it’s one of your favorite activities, even implying you may own a horse. She’ll be, no doubt, be impressed now, but things may sour quickly if you can’t really tell her what sort of tack you use, or the brand of your saddle.

Having a sense of humor is considered one of the most sought-after characteristics in males. The ability to laugh, and to make others laugh with us, is a personality trait that shows you are good-natured, sociable and fun to be with. Having a sense of humor does not mean you should act like you’re on stand-up comedy open-mike night, it means you should be witty when the situation calls for it. You should never resort to foul language, or making fun of other people, just to show you are humorous, as you’ll only come across as callous and uncouth.  Self-deprecating humor, on the other hand, is a good way to show you are not insecure, and you do not take yourself too seriously, as you have the ability to laugh at yourself.

Women show their interest in subtle ways, like, touching their hair, licking their lips, rubbing their necks, leaning towards the man, positioning their body in the man’s direction, touching the man’s arm, etc. Research shows that these behaviors are subconscious, but men need to be aware of these small changes. If her posture doesn’t change, she crosses her arms, or shifts her body away from you, just give it up, she is not that into you.

Finally, don’t overstay your welcome. Unless she specifically asks you to stay longer, after 2-3 minutes of initiating your conversation, you should excuse yourself, saying you have to go back to your friends. This is the perfect time to swap contact information, and clarify you’ll call, text, email, etc., later in the week to organize some one-on-one time.

These days you have a multitude of dating apps, some trending more towards hook-ups (like Tinder), others more appropriate for dating and relationships (like Hinge, or Coffee Meets Bagel). In Bumble, for example, women are required to initiate communication, so this might work for you if you don’t really know where to start. Hinge will match for you with people you are already sort of connected via Facebook, the friends of your friends, so it’s slightly less impersonal, while Coffee Meets Bagel will present you with a successful match one day at a time, and you have 24 hours to decide how and what to say.
 

Now that you’ve successfully passed the first impression test, just be polite, be truthful, be cool and collected, be interesting and interested in what she has to say. The fact that you are not meeting face to face can be both a blessing and a curse. It allows you to be charming, even as you wolf down three slices of pizza, but it prevents you from picking up the non-verbal cues that clearly show she’s or she’s not interested.

Talking to women might seem daunting, but consider, you are both there looking for attention and possibly a relationship. Be genuine in your interactions, don’t try to impress her, and don’t lash out if you’re rejected: there are plenty of fish in the sea. Practice makes perfect, so sooner, rather than later, you’ll succeed.