The First Move: Should I Text Him Or Wait For Him?

"To text him or not to text him?" that is the question  Are you right now staring at your phone and wondering if you should make the first move and text him? Is that the "right" move? Are you going to scare him or annoy him? Is it a turn-on for him if you text him if you take the initiative and text him first? So many questions! And no clear answer. In fact, the answer is not so black and white. You'll have to stop and really think about it.

The answer will depend on your very special circumstance or situation regarding your guy (or potential guy). For example, you just met him last night and you really hit it off, you exchange numbers and had a great night. Fast forward to the next day and you pick up your phone to see if he has texted you something but nothing!
You wait for the next day and still nothing. You can also be waiting for a text from that guy that you've been talking for some time (aka crush), you talk on a regular basis, but lately nothing, no even a HEY!

Total frustration, because the thing is, regarding your crush, you're not sure he's going to text you back. That's total torture, waiting by the phone after you put yourself out there and send him a text just to get no response!

It's totally normal to want to talk to him, you obviously have a crush on him and want to know more or just stay connected, so despite what your friends or some magazine articles might say, you should definitely make the first move and text him. But, for things to really work out for you, you can't just text him a simple Hey! or Hi! (that's not going to get you anywhere), you need to send a conversation-starter text. That way you can assure yourself that he actually is going to text you back. How can you achieve that? Here are some possible texts you can use.

It's always a good strategy to open up with a good question, in this case, try a question he'll definitely know the answer. For example, if you're both into sports and there's a game you won't be able to watch, text him asking about the score Or maybe you're both into reading, ask him for a book recommendation. Those questions will get you a text back and you can take it from there.

If you have talked before, you may have a little background on him and know about his preferences in music or movies. You'll impress him and show him your interest by mentioning something he said on your last conversation, you'll also by piquing his interest. Something like, "You told me you like this artist, have you heard this song?"

If it's the first time you're texting him go for something that'll make him laugh or that made you think of him. A genuinely sweet thought will always be well received, even if things don't progress from there, you'll brighten his day. It should be a text that'll both flatter and get him to text you back. Maybe you met at a book club, send him a text that says something like "I just read a line on this new book I'm reading, it was so witty it reminded me of you".

You want to start a conversation with your crush right? Well texting him about a shared experience or interest is the most effective way to get a response from him. You can do a little research through his social media to find common interests For example if you see on his Instagram that he went to the same concert you did, ask him what was his favorite performance, or suggest a music date to compare notes.

Fighting in a relationship is normal as long as it's a healthy one and every couple fights differently. The question here is what you do after a fight? Do you make the first move and text him, and if you do, what should you say to get past the fight? The answer to the first question is yes, you should text him but not right away, You both need time to cool off and ponder on the whys of the fight and how to get past it.

After a fight you both might need to be alone, need some space and that's totally OK. This space is much needed because it can help you bring back all the positive vibe you lost because of the fight and it can help you get perspective. You can clear your feelings and reduce the defensiveness, it helps you regain your equilibrium.

It's recommended to maintain the conversation channels open after a fight (even if it was a big one). After the time-out, the best way to stay connected is by texting each other, it can bring back a state of normalcy in the relationship. It's a good way to repair the issue for why you had that fight. As to what should you text him? Always go for positive messages only, once your anger subsides don't be afraid to reach out to him by text and ask if you two can have a civilized conversation. 

When, how or what exactly to say I'll be up to you,

So, you're in your couch binge-watching the most recent season of Stranger Things and suddenly you have this uncontrollable desire to text your ex because you used to watch this together and you miss that and him. Or maybe you're bored or have had too many glasses of wine or well as we said, you miss him. Your fingers are hovering over your phone, over the text thread and you're actually crafting what your message is going to say.

We get it, there are a lot of reasons why you want to text him first, but stop and listen, this could be a very bad idea. After a breakup, you and he need a space of no contact that you need to respect and enforce because you need to heal from whatever you two split up. So, we advise you to put your phone down and not text him first. Remember that you broke up for a reason. 

To help you with your struggle between picking up your phone and putting it back down so you can avoid the temptation of texting him, here is a guide of situations where you need abstain and not send him a text.

There are a number of things that reminded you of him, a song, a movie, a perfume, a phrase, and the list can go on. All these things can trigger happy memories you had with your ex, and when nostalgia hits you, you feel compelled to shoot him a text. It's easy to remember the good times but don't forget the bad ones too. And reaching out to him about all the good memories is not healthy because it's not letting you (and he) move on. So, next time nostalgia hits you, acknowledge it and how you feel about it but don't text him. 

We know, that's a very hard pill to swallow and your first instinct is to shoot him a text just to remind him of your existence. Nevertheless, you need to resist the temptation, you could hinder his new relationship and it can hold you back from moving on so you can find someone new too. That should be your focus, so put your phone down.

You need to respect his wishes, he has asked you not to contact him for a reason, be proactive and listen to him. Again, respect those boundaries, that should be your move, not making a move at all. 

Loneliness is such a powerful feeling and a bad counselor, don't listen to it and don't text him. We get it, feeling lonely can be scary because you may think that you won't find someone else and just the thought of putting yourself out there again seems like an impossible task but you'll get there. 

Need more help navigating the "Do I text him or not" route? Maybe the flowchart below, created by graphic designer Becca Clason, can give you a little more clarity on whether or not to hit send. She created the flowchart based on her past dating experiences (now she's married) and, while she claims that she's not an expert maybe her experiences can help you with texting etiquette.

There are some "Do not text him" which makes sense. We talked about it already, like don't text your ex if he has someone new in his life, or if you didn't part on good terms. The flowchart also includes other "Do not text him" situations that we're not totally on board with. For example, if you had a great time with him, it would be OK if you send him a short and sweet text telling him that. Sometimes it pays to be upfront and let him know.

Use this flowchart as a reference, not as the law. Exercise your own judgment.

The better question here would be why did you make the first move again? Did he not respond to you on your first try? Were you anxious to know what was happening? The good or bad of the situation will depend on what kind of relationship you have with this guy. 

First, stop to think of all the possibles why's he's not responding to your first move. It could be that you didn't make the text interesting enough for him to bother. It could be that he's busy at work, or with friends or on another date (a lot of possibilities here). Or it could be that he's just not interested in you. Analyze your particular situation and then you'll have your answer. In any case, you should know that sending a guy too many messages before he texts you back will not bode well for you. He'll just ignore all your texts and he will lose interest in you altogether.

Give him reasons to be intrigued with you, use your texting to get him hooked so he'll be compelled to text you back.

Making the first move and texting him could lead to good things for you regarding a romantic relationship, if you play your cards right and make the messages interesting and impossible for him not to respond.