This Man Blows Hot and Cold (What Should I Do?)

Chances are high that if you are an adult in the dating world, you have crossed paths with at least one person who blows hot and cold with you. What that means is that this person will show a lot of interest in you at some points in time and then go cold on you out of nowhere. What results is a strange and uncomfortable dynamic where they give you a lot of attention and then they freeze you out for no apparent cause. For anyone who has had first-hand experience of this dynamic, boy is it frustrating to no end!
 

People who blow hot and cold on you, often make you feel insecure and confused and there is no doubt that this is an all-round negative experience. Having said that sometimes there are underlying causes as to why a person is behaving in this less-than-desirable way and if addressed you can transform your relationship with this person into a more secure, loving, and consistent one. However, if this dynamic persists, you also really need to learn to cut off people who make you doubt your self-worth.

There is more than just one plausible reason why a guy blows hot and cold on you. For starters, he could be doing this to keep power and control in the dynamic. Boys are raised to act like they are above it all when it comes to matters of the heart. They are coerced into acting emotionally uninfluenced at all times which makes most men feel too vulnerable being consistently present and intimate with you.

Since they are taught to hide their emotions and shamed for being invested in someone, with derogatory terms like “whipped” and “simp,” a lot of men, who may otherwise be really into you, regularly withdraw or try to act detached. It is important to establish early on that this is a very unhealthy behavior that stems from deep insecurity.
 

Another big reason, why a man may be enthusiastically pursuing you at one moment and then poof disappear for days on end, is a distraction. If he’s hung up on an old ex that he hasn’t truly moved on from or more interested in someone else, his enthusiasm may ebb and flow in frustrating ways.
 

Another reason to consider is his past trauma with relationships. Many men who play hide and seek with their emotions in a relationship have been hurt before for giving too much. This sort of experience can cause people to hide in their shell and fear intimacy. It is possible that he wants to be more present but is staying away to avoid getting hurt again.

He could also just be really immature or just looking for something very casual. And not to plant a seed of crazy in your head but he may also be cheating/ double-timing or talking to other women.
 

All of these are of course speculations and to understand why your partner is behaving this way, there is no better way than communicating with them. Instead of filling your head with thoughts about why he went cold on you all of a sudden and blaming yourself for not being interesting enough, which, let’s face it, we are all guilty of feeling, confront him about this behavior.

Sometimes, in relationships, we all have to let some stuff slide. But in a dynamic, such as this, staying quiet is inviting a lot of negativity and toxicity into your life. Don’t sign up to be on this emotional rollercoaster that will undoubtedly leave you feeling bad about yourself. No one deserves to be full of self-doubt and be left high and dry like that. So, what is the best way to confront an individual who is blowing hot and cold on you? We have some suggestions.

Attacking him or being salty will never lead to a healthy or open conversation. That’s just not how people work. When people sense they are e being ambushed into a nasty confrontation, they are anything but open. Tell him candidly when he gets in touch with you after a cold spell, that you find it weird that he went AWOL so abruptly and tell him how that affects you. Then wait for him to respond. There might be a legitimate reason as to why he was too tied up to get in touch with you. His response will mean everything!

If you start a healthy, open, and honest dialogue on this behavioral issue, you should take this safe space to make your expectations known. It is entirely possible that you two want different things from your relationship and you will only discover this through communication. If he wants something casual and you want more, then expressing this will confirm if staying together is a good idea or not. Leaving yourself second-guessing is just masochistic. If you don’t want the same things, then you can both set out elsewhere to fulfill your needs.

We cannot stress this enough! Trying to give him a taste of his own medicine will not help you but will only make you spiral out into craziness. Withdrawing affection when you don’t want to is a very unpleasant feeling and for all you know he isn’t even bothered because he’s reading the whole thing differently. Do yourself a favor and talk it out!

We bring our emotional baggage to every conflict and it’s important not to let it cloud our judgment to the point that we cannot hear the other side of the story. Maybe he opens up about that ex who texted him or about some other traumatic happening in his life. Hear him out and decide for yourself if you trust and believe him. A great way is to keep track of how his behavior changes (or doesn’t change) after this discussion.

If your conversation about these problems leaves you feeling worse, that’s a red flag. But if communicating clears the air, that is the only way forward. With honest and earnest communication, you can blow past these problems and prevent them from becoming patterns.

This is tricky! Everyone has flaws and it’s ridiculous to expect otherwise. So if your partner opens up about his insecurities, his past or stressful events in his life, listen, accept and work with him so that you two can prevent those issues from spilling into your relationship with them. However, this in no way means that you should tolerate abusive and manipulative behavior. Go with your gut!

If he takes accountability and you see change, he’s probably a keeper. Everyone messes up but changed behavior is the only real apology. So, set boundaries and expectations and objectively observe if his talk and his behavior is in line. Only stick around if it is!

If you do muster up the courage to express how this hot-cold dynamic makes you feel and he gets defensive or insensitive, that one’s a no-brainer: he does not care about your feelings or respect you and is probably too immature to be in a relationship. Move along! If, instead, he engages and gives you a legitimate explanation, give him a second chance.

However, if he does not change his behavior at all despite that conversation, chances are slim he ever will. If his behavior is unreliable and inconsistent, he is probably not worth all the trouble and you should just let it go! If he consistently says one thing and does the exact opposite, it’s probably best to leave.

A word to the wise if he’s blowing hot and cold on you, consider that cold period because the right man does not leave you second-guessing whether he’s into you or not. Keep it clean and keep it healthy so you and your partner can flourish together instead of spending your time trying to get attention from a stingy, confused, and immature fool.