Why Do Some Gay Men Choose To Marry A Woman?
Many gay men in various countries chose to marry women to hide their sexuality when society did not accept homosexuality or even when there were risks of facing legal sanctions. Decades ago, when homosexuals faced ostracism and the threat of criminal prosecution in the UK and other Western countries, many chose to marry and hide their sexuality. But even now that social tolerance has increased, there are those who take that same path.
Nick, who is in his 50s, has been married to his wife for 30 years. He is also gay. He believes his wife had suspicions about his sexuality for years, but things came to light when he had an affair with a man. “She asked me if I wanted to leave and I didn't. She really is my best friend above all else, so we decided we liked the idea of staying together as best friends, "she says.
Nick is not his real name. Many of the couple's friends and family are unaware that he is gay and prefers to remain anonymous to protect his wife.
From the beginning, their marriage was marked by unhappiness, with doubts about whether they had made the right decision. He had always felt insecure about his sexual orientation, which worried him more and more as he got older. Like many men in the same situation, Nick, a registered nurse, ended up living a double life. At first glance, he was a happily married man, but he was also a regular consumer of gay pornography. He got drunk with a friend who was also homosexual and, as he himself says, "events took their course."
His wife was enraged when she found out about six years ago and Nick knew there was no point in denying the truth any longer. Nick is a member of a support group called "Gay Married Men" based in Manchester, UK, founded 10 years ago. Men travel from across the country to attend meetings. The group's founder, John, says the majority is made up of older men, who married women in the 1970s and 1980s when society was most hostile to gays.
Now society is more tolerant, it is more comfortable for them to accept and be accepted. But why do they marry a woman in the first place? Nick points out that many men who come into contact with the website say they did so to try to "solve themselves." Andy, 56, adds: "Sometimes you think you are going through a phase, because people tell you 'you are going to find the right woman, she will change you to be a real man. Sadly in society, at the time I got married almost 30 years ago, you were either straight or weird."
John, a professor at Manchester Metropolitan University who was married for seven years, says it took him a long time to understand that he was gay. He knew that his sexuality was ambiguous but he didn't have the clarity to define it. “I did not know what a gay man was. Truth be told, he thought gays were the men who lived in London. Now people laugh but I had that level of naivety, "he says. “I thought gay men were effeminate. Well, I didn't want to be like that, I couldn't be gay, right? ”John explains.
Group members are in different stages. Some only suspect that they may be gay, others live with wives without being clear about their sexuality, some are separated or divorced and others have married men.
John eventually married the man who has been his partner for 23 years but says that some aspects of his life still feel strange and uncomfortable. Andy is divorcing his wife, after 30 years and four children. He has a new partner. Some remain married due to the expectations of friends and family; or because they have children and do not want to break up the family.
7 Telling Signs That Your Husband Is Gay
Now, do you suspect you are living any of the situations we explained before? Here are 7 signs that you in fact live with a gay husband, so check them out and see if they apply:
1. Aversion to sex
Sex experts indicate that one must also be aware of "sexual aversion or renunciation." This point refers to the person making excuses or justifications for not having sex. He might say it is because of work, stress, tiredness when in reality it is because women don't turn him on.
This version of the man towards the woman is not going to provoke sexual desire and it is marked in a trend. These couples do not have sex and, if they do, it is either isolated or they have it out of submission, which is when the couple pleases but is not pleased. He does it because he is supposed to do it and to fulfill a social role, not because he wants or likes it.
2. Who he checks out
You have to be on alert when you are enjoying a movie, what comments he makes. And if you are in a restaurant, who is their gaze fixed on, a woman or a man.
If you are watching a pornographic film, you have to analyze what he is most aroused with: if with the man or the woman. In the concept of a threesome, see if he brings to the table that it is with another man and not another woman. Little signs like that can tell a lot about his preference.
3. Changes in behaviour
Accepting sexuality is a difficult path for many, as it involves facing many ghosts in society. He is probably irritated, or somewhat depressed and upset and will show it to you. If he didn't use to be like that, chances are that he is completely done with hiding it and his behavior and mood are affected by this.
4. Homophobic comments
Many gay men who are trying to hide their sexual orientation often make homophobic comments. This is a reflection of their own reality and when feeling that frustration of not being able to reveal their homosexuality, they externalize it in this way.
5. Everyday behaviour
Another important sign is everyday life. So you have to pay attention to how he expresses himself verbally and his routine actions. For example, in the case of men, little by little certain characteristics are identified, such as having a friend who will describe seeing him as a brother. The suspicion will fall on the fact that the presence of that "close friend" will be at all times.
6. Physical appearance
Physical change is another trend that is altered since the man who hides his homosexuality will be more concerned about his appearance and his clothing, which will be modern and elegant.
In flirting with other men they worry more about whether they have perfume on, whether they wear accessories, just in their appearance more than ever before. So you might be seeing that your husband is taking more care of it, his clothes, looks, etc.
7. Has a lot of gay friends
Be careful, a lot of attention in this part. If your husband has gay friends, it doesn't exactly mean he also is, please don't fall for such archaic clichés. What you do have to pay attention to is that much priority has with you or the frequency of outings with a specific friend, whether gay or not, but that this priority does not affect the couple agreements you have as you are free to go out with whoever you like as friends. (Note his attitude or emotion with which he talks to you about his outings with that person).
How Can I Help My Husband Come To Terms With His Sexuality If He’s Not So Sure Yet?
This is a very interesting situation because we can apply many principles of cognitive or thought psychology. Notice that therapy says that you should not exaggerate any adversity, that you can be happy in practically any situation: yes if you don't tell yourself otherwise. With love, positivity, and joy in the abundance of life, everything is much easier to solve.
Another principle: sexuality is not as important as we often imagine. Neither by active nor by passive. It is just one more function of different human instincts. Love for life and for others is much more important. What this all means basically is: you can either choose to make things easier for him, support him, make him come to terms with who he is, and lead a happy life as his support system and confidant.
Should I Leave My Relationship If I Find Out My Husband Is Gay?
That said, it is clear that you could do a lot of things and they would all be valid. For example, for your husband to leave the marriage and seek a stable homosexual relationship. Another option, however, is for you to stay well married and he renounces gay sexuality. And a third, that you are still happily married and that he can have homosexual affairs outside of marriage. (Of course, you too if you wish).
The truth is that there are many ways to live as a couple and to obtain from that bond what is needed. When there is an agreement there is no deception. Another thing that is important here is if this is the best model of a couple that can be offered to children, based on appearance. You have to be aware that sooner or later they discover it, so it is better, to be honest, and face it in the most positive way. The fact that your father is gay does not mean that all the good things they have lived together disappear, nor do their feelings change. They will understand his feelings as something natural and they see that he still loves them very much.
If you suspect that your partner may be homosexual, it is best to talk about it no matter how harsh it is. It is no use prolonging a bond that is somehow broken ... if you really love him, talking will be of great help and beneficial to everyone, even if it means parting.
Do not blame him for what he feels, it has nothing to do with you, but with a personal process of discovery and inner acceptance. As painful as it may be, give your support and your help ... it will be a beautiful gesture of great love.