He Doesn't Love Me Back... What Now?

It is neither your fault nor his that he doesn’t love you back. If your feelings for him are not mutual, there are many ways to get around it.

By Gerald Matiri
He Doesn't Love Me Back... What Now?

When the man you love doesn’t love you back

It is not uncommon for Cupid to fly where he is not supposed to! Sometimes he doesn’t look where he is shooting the arrow and he ends up targeting the wrong guy. That is where unreciprocated love begins. In as much as it sounds romantic, loving a guy who does not love you back is devastating. The pain is even more unbearable if he is your husband. How do you deal with an unloving father of your kids? The New Year finds you sobbing in bed. Maybe it’s a guy you have had a crush on since your first year in college, a long-term boyfriend who has fallen out of love, or a husband who no longer cares. You keep hoping against hope that a romantic miracle will befall at the onset of the New Year. You try so hard, spending the whole day chatting and hanging out at his favorite place, thinking that perhaps he could show you some love. If you are still new to him, you wish he would finally confess that he feels the same way as you do. But it never happens. You go back to your condo, crying with the heartbreak of rejection from a person who doesn’t feel the way you want him to. Do you want him to remain in your life? You are afraid that your broken heart will never heal because it is hard to avoid seeing him. Since you know your husband or boyfriend better, your love for him has deeper roots and will take long before it dies. Whether you are an 18-year-old student or a 45-year-old mother, the pain of unrequited love is excruciating. But if you want, there are a number of things you can do to make the pain bearable and establish a healthy life for yourself.


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How do you know your man doesn’t love you back?

Do you have a feeling that your boyfriend or husband is not in love with you though you still love him? If you love him, you deserve to be loved back and it is important to know his true feelings for you so that you can start handling whatever prevails. Here are some signs that he doesn’t love you even though you love him. The sooner you accept that your boyfriend does not love you, the sooner you become emotionally strong. Do not worry because, in due time, you will find a man who will shower you with the kind of love you deserve. You no longer trust him though you love him: maybe he betrayed you and you have been wondering if he surely loves you. If you find it hard to forgive him, you are considering chances he might cheat on you again. Lack of trust signifies that he is out of love and it’s time for you to stay alert before you suffer more humiliation. He uses you though you still love him: if your boyfriend borrows money without returning or steals from you, it’s a sure sign that he doesn’t love you. He lies to you and never tells you how he spends his time and money and you are still with him? Think twice, you are being used. He no longer cares about your dreams though you love him: a man who does not encourage you to reach your goals is not in love with you. If he cannot support your hopes and seems jealous of your success, he will drag you down soon. Are you sure he still supports you professionally, emotionally, and socially? You feel like you are not good for him though you still love him: do you feel cherished when you are with him? Does he humiliate you; make you depressed, or unhappy? You might be an insecure woman buy if he reminds you that you are not up to his standards, this man does not love you. He never listens though you love him: if you feel that your voice falls on deaf ears in your relationship, your love is not reciprocated. Your husband must listen and respect your say because that is the base of a healthy marriage. If he loves you, he will value your opinion and respect your decisions.

What to do if he doesn’t love you back

It can be painful to love him and yet he doesn’t love you back. You can easily be filled with resentment when this happens. There are certain things you can do to lessen the pain when you notice that you love him and he doesn’t love you.

1. Know that you are not the first one

It has been estimated that 90% of people in the world have loved someone who never returned their love, especially in their youthful life. Take heart because you are not alone. The only difference is that your feelings are unique and no one else can fully understand you. The circumstances under which love is not returned are many: you love a guy who acts like he wants you only to realize he’s taken; you still love your ex-boyfriend; you meet a new friend who does not and will probably never feel the same way you do; your husband switches off his love for you and starts having an affair with another woman…and the list is endless. These situations are not unique and they have happened to most women on planet earth. All you can think is where it went wrong and what you need to do right. But it’s pointless to drive yourself crazy, starve yourself, or weep all nights while he could be somewhere enjoying his life with another woman. Just remember that you are not alone and many more others have gone past this and so should you.

2. It is okay to grieve

Grief is a normal feeling when you lose someone. The feeling is an indication that your love for him is true and your hopes were real. Some people will tell you to quit being pathetic and get over him - which is very unhealthy. You must let out the anguish lest it kills you inside. When the guy you love has no interest in you, pursuing him is not only hurtful to you but also disrespectful to him; thus, your capacity to heal is hampered. It is pathetic when your love is not given back and so you are allowed to mourn. Do not be surprised to find yourself grieving over and over. Struggling with the same feeling for months is frustrating and it’s difficult not to feel stupid. Just know that the sad feelings are normal and healthy. You cannot heal without going past the sad phase, though the journey seems incredibly long and complicated.

3. Refuse to get stuck when fails to love you back

It is difficult to go through the initial throes of romantic rejection. You get angry, your self-esteem becomes bruised, your sense of humor dwindles, and your personality drains away. You start boring your family and friends with hopeless romantic tales of a love you cannot get back. Rather than walking, you begin trudging; you sob and bellow instead of talking all because of unfulfilled love. You forget that time is ticking and your life is rushing. Do you think you will ever find another man to love and love you back? Your mind tells you to do something, but you don’t know where to start. Open your eyes and see the many options available for you. Going back and forth and floating in the realm of denial is a phase you should get over as soon as possible. It is temporary and so you cannot sit there waiting for your love to come back. Do not allow yourself to get stuck; wishing for an impossible love that will never come back.

4. Isolate yourself if you don’t want his love back

Relationships are different and so are the people involved. It’s hard to stipulate a rule that works for everyone whose love is not given back. But as a general rule of thumb, it is healthier to create a distance between you and him as you heal your romantic wounds. Isolating yourself means reducing the amount of time you spend together, deleting his contact from your phonebook, taking a vacation with your kids, or focusing more on other activities - but him. The key is to pick something that will work for you provided it creates space between the two of you. If you have been doing your boyfriend a lot of favors, it’s high time you direct your energy towards something else. It is true that you will still be friends and help one another, but you need to cut off the good things you have been giving him hoping that he’d love you back. Do not ask your mutual friends about his whereabouts or check his Facebook status now and then, and once he is out of sight, it will be easier to get him out of your mind.

5. Surprisingly, unrequited love has a positive side

Loneliness may seem like the worst scenario if you are a romantic woman. Calling out to a man who doesn’t love you back is uniquely devastating but you must not despair. It sounds counterintuitive that unrequited love is good for you- if you look at the other side, you will be surprised. First, the man who doesn’t love you back will lead you to reckon with exactly what you want with your love life. What do you love most about him and is he your type? How would your life look like if you were to marry him? Secondly, you will get an experience of what true love is. True love is not always about sexual desires and butterflies; it entails a pain in the neck like nothing else. Not having your love back is surely painful but because you have affection for him, it means you already know how it feels to love someone as opposed to lusting. Thirdly, you will learn how to cope with rejection. Your husband didn’t mean to cause you pain, but he definitely doesn’t love you. Dealing with the feeling of being pushed away is debilitating but in future, you will know how to handle such kind of rejection. Lastly, you will get a chance to improve your life. But do not try to change yourself for him; do it for your own good. Learn to love yourself, identify your weaknesses, and switch to a better version of you. That is how you will discover what makes you happy and when you realize you can be happy on your own, nothing on earth can ever break you down; not even unrequited love.

6. Don’t be afraid to go on a date

The last thing you want to do when you have a crush on someone who cannot love you back is date another guy. But it could be the only thing you need to get over the unreturned love. Alienating yourself from other men is not going to help. Things will get worse if you lock yourself up and mop your room all day long. Get a life: give a chance to that guy who has always wanted you, ask a friend out for dinner, or hook up with your new Facebook friend. You may not be ready for a relationship but having a great time with another man will take off the pressure of rejection. When you give a guy your love but he refuses to take it, there is no way you can claim it back. Consider it gone and forget about it. Move on as soon as you can and don’t hesitate to date another person.

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7. Be inspired by the feelings of a broken love

No matter what people say, you have to love yourself. Accept who you are: your personality and your body. Assure yourself that you are a cool person - it’s the best medicine for a broken heart. Arguing with your heart is not easy but you must tell it to stop living in a fantasy. Your love cannot survive without reciprocation - trust, tenderness, common interest, and romance from a guy. Do you think you can wait for this weak source of love to recharge? If not, turn around and start looking for real love. Instead of directing the bad energy towards destructive remedies, turn it into a little selfishness and start treating yourself. This energy can help you attain so many things like composing a song, learning new skills, or traveling to see the world. Did you know that amidst your excruciating heartbreak you can change your career? Supposing your ex-boyfriend did not approve of you becoming a lawyer- you now have a chance to do what you like. Think of it as a blessing in disguise. What you feel now cannot help you get back his love because feelings are not magic. What you should do is listen to your heart and find out where else it can direct you.

@Regranned from @yeah_me_alisha - Something is gone, out of my life, but I can still feel that, inside the walls of my brain. Something was mine, but now it’s not, it is lost, I can’t claim. Something was important, like my breath, but now it’s a lost story considered as lame. Something was precious, as one of my mains, but I can’t find it now, I’m losing this game. Something I wrote, on the pages, the paras, the phrases, but the ink is washed In the drops of rain. Something is drowned, deep into the sea, suffocating, dying, perishing, but I couldn’t save it, from the overflooded drain. Something is on fire, a part of me, yes, I am burning, because I can sense the pain. Something is broken, a bone, a heart or me, I can’t move, I can feel the sprains. Something is deeply cut, Oh, that’s my skin, wounded and peeling off, but there is no loss of blood, because I am left with none in my veins. . . . #poetryclub #scribbles #poetrygram #poetryslam #writerscorner #writersofinstagram #poetryisnotdead #poetrycommunity #poetryofinstagram #poemsofinstagram #poemsofig #poetryofig #spilledink #wordsmith #writersblock #love #writersofig #life #writersofindia #heart #writersofinsta #lines #words #feelings #feelingshurt #poetryclub #scribbles #lovehurts #lost

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Learn what to do when your husband fails to love you back

Do not be surprised when your husband falls out of love. Consider it part of life because people change with time. In marriage, there are two things you should expect: grow together as a couple or fall apart. Unless the two of you are fully committed to one another, the natural forces of life will make things fall apart. You must not be confused about what to do when love departs. First, determine if you want to get your husband back or let go of him. A lot of wives visit marriage counselors every day to learn what they can do to get their husband’s love back. Many women struggle to be good wives, but find no reciprocation for their love. This is the type of heartache that leaves women desperate and unable to hold on to marriage. Today, you will learn that no marriage counselor can solve your riddle if you don’t find it in your heart how to handle the situation. This is how:

8. Accept that his love for you is gone

You and your husband promised to love one another through thick and thin. A while ago, your love told you that it’s not possible to fall out of love but now it’s happening. Did he forget about the solidarity spirit? What became of the man who would go crazy for not seeing you in a day? You have stumbled into a nightmare - a foreign planet with a life you know nothing about. Your husband might have spiraled into an unexpected behavior like over-drinking and raving too much. He has abused and cheated on you and rather than seeking your forgiveness; he seems to be walking away.

How is this possible?

It is possible for a man to go through a major experience and fail to bounce back from it e.g. death of a close relative, loss of employment, or personal injury. Regardless of the situation, his love has become terrible. You try to support him and sometimes beg to carry his burden, but to no avail. In such situations, it’s hard to believe. You refuse to believe by giving reasons to his unbecoming behavior, which have absolutely nothing to do with his feeling for you. You console yourself by concluding that it’s mid-life crisis, a misstep, or a temptation from his co-worker, which will end soon. You keep flashing back to the days when you were both happy and it seems like yesterday, and still you don’t believe. Here’s the truth: he doesn’t love you anymore and you better accept the brutal truth.

9. Start by knowing your husband better

There is no perfect man on the face of the earth but when you are in love, this fact is hard to agree with. If you do not know him well, what will keep you from romanticizing him? It may not have occurred to you that your husband could cheat, lie, or humiliate you but yes, it’s the reality - deal with it. Take time to know him so that your obsession for him may break. Fortunately or unfortunately, your love for him may never die. The biggest thing you can do is hide it in a place that will wound you for good. Do not be the mean and bitter woman who makes everyone pay for the hurt caused by your husband.

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10. You will not get his love back if you are impatient

Once you detect signs that he no longer loves you back, you will start thinking of the worst e.g. divorce, mistreatment, and loneliness. You start worrying if he will leave you with the kids or not and the anxiety will drive you insane. Stop worrying about how you will tell your kids. There is nothing to tell - it’s between you and him. Please be patient, do not beat yourself up or start making demands. The key is staying calm and do not provoke him as he might retaliate. Remember that our health is more important than him and you have to stay strong for your kids.

11. Consider marriage counseling

Talking to your husband during a tough time is hard. You cannot achieve peace without a third party, so seeking help from a counselor is a wise choice. Having a conversation with him is the last thing on your mind when you are in pain and full of anger. Of course, you have every right to condemn him but you need to find out why he loves you no more. You will feel at ease if a counselor helps you to deal with the torment.

12. Getting his love back requires commitment

Supposing your husband opens up through the help of a marriage counselor; he tells you the exact cause of falling out of love and reasons he mistreated you. Let’s say you failed to support him in certain projects and you never gave him your attention: you must start being a supportive wife. If a man feels that he is not given the priority in his marriage, he can drift away easily. Now that you know where the problem lies, it’s up to you to make efforts and correct your misconduct. If he desires to be given more attention and respect, that’s what you should do.

13. Let go of him if everything fails

You vowed to stay by his side till death separates you, but this is not the case this time. If you have been working hard to see things get to normal but he continues making you unhappy, it is better off if you both take different paths. Your husband might want something completely different like going back to being a bachelor and since he is a grown-up, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. There is nothing much you can do when the one you love makes up their mind to end the relationship. Divorce is not going to be easy but the good thing is that you tried with all your might to win back his love. Sometimes, spouses drift apart for better. A time comes when you have to let go of a painful love and take on something new. Start thinking differently and reverse the situation by turning down the husband who turned you down in the first place. Yes, you can do it! Even though it’s hard, it is not impossible. The worst thing you can do is sit down and take more humiliation. Save your sanity and accept a breakup. Many wives have tried to save their marriage in a bid to stave off anger, sadness, and betrayal but sooner than later, these feelings resurface with greater intensity. So, take your chances and quit.


No matter your age, not being loved back is intensely painful. You feel rejected when you hold strong feelings for a boyfriend who does not return the love. Romantic rejection is personal and you might wonder if you have any blemish that makes you unlovable. However, if a husband doesn’t love you back, first accept that on his part, there is no chemistry. And this is not to mean that he is a bad person. Even though your romantic dreams get shattered and things don’t work your way, you can still get yourself together and look at the positive side. Learn how to make yourself a better person and don’t wallow in self-pity. Soon, your emotional scars will heal and you’ll come to realize that whatever you have been going through is actually good for you. You will emerge as a better and happier woman. Believe that your love life is not over. Your boyfriend may have rejected you, but you still have a chance to enjoy a stronger and healthier love in the near future!