8 Best Advice on Marriage When Your Husband is Mean

In an ideal marriage, partners communicate openly and respectfully, they are both selfless and dedicated to one another, and blissful harmony reigns over the household. The reality is that every marriage experiences its ups and downs, and our ability to understand our partner’s points of view, and to communicate our own clearly and respectfully happens less frequently than we would want. Unfortunately, in some marriages, these negative situations are too often to ignore, and dealing with a mean spouse is by no means easy.

Most women in this situation will say that everything was perfect while they were dating. Their husband was attentive, caring, patient, respectful, everything a perfect husband should be, and they became totally different people the moment they got married: angry, abusive, disrespectful. Truth is, while you are falling in love, you tend to turn a blind eye on your partner’s flaws and limitations. You’ve probably ignored the red flags waving before your eyes, just because you thought your partner would change, you would help him become better and with you, all his imperfections would go away. Unfortunately, for you and for the vast majority of women in your situation, it isn’t as simple as that. 
 

You end up loving and marrying a person you truly dislike now and wondering what to do. Living with a spouse that is constantly angry and shouting abusive comments at you is difficult and painful, so should you end this, or is there still hope for such a relationship? It is important for your emotional wellbeing to find ways to deal with this, whether by finding counsel or by equipping yourself with the best tools to manage such a difficult situation.

Substance abuse, namely drinking, more often than not triggers episodes of anger and resentment. You might notice that your perfectly reasonable and loving husband becomes someone angry, resentful and malevolent when he drinks more than his share, and, if this is a recurring event, this behavior will really jeopardize your relationship.

Alcohol abuse inhibits normal brain functions by weakening brain mechanisms that regulate impulsive behavior such as perception of consequences and responding with improper aggression. It also impairs information process and span of attention, as an intoxicated person will misread social cues and fail to assess future risks of impulsive actions, and its shortened visual scope might interpret normal behaviors as perceived threats.

First of all, you need to realize it’s not you, it’s him. You cannot be held responsible for his drinking problem, you cannot make him stop drinking, you cannot make him get help. He is the one responsible and in the end, he is the only one that can stop drinking and control his addiction. There are, however, some things you can do to help and support your spouse during this stressful time. 

Wait until he is sober to talk to him. Confronting him when he is drunk or hungover will only trigger an anger outburst. When sober, explain to him how his behavior affects you and your marriage, and be clear and adamant about the consequences for your relationship if he continues drinking. Tell him you need to see him taking control of his life and encourage him to seek professional help. Let him take the responsibility for his change in behaviour.

On the other hand, be prepared to make good on your decision if your demands aren’t met, whether it is leaving and taking the kids, or leaving him to sober up outside in the yard. In the meantime, get support for yourself, seek professional advice or attend a meeting for family members of alcoholics.

If you can’t recall the last time you had a peaceful, loving evening with your husband, professional help is definitely in order. Looking for reasons behind his behavior, rather than just exculpating him, might set you on a path to successfully overcoming this painful situation. 

On a physiologic level, some studies claim that hormonal imbalance plays a key role in male irritability, namely low testosterone and serotonin levels and high levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) are likely to make men more irritable and prone to mood swings. Diet and sleeping habits can have a huge impact on determining these hormonal levels.

 Also consider that some mental illnesses like depression, bipolar, or intermittent explosive disorder (IED), and any untreated damage to the prefrontal cortex of the brain, are known causes for anger outbursts, and if properly diagnosed can bring those angry episodes to an end, so start by going to the doctor to rule out any of these conditions.

Psychologically speaking, some men experience feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness at work, or even when dealing with a newborn child, and these unresolved issues can express themselves in angry outbursts. They might feel they’re neglected by their spouse or passed by their boss or co-workers, or generally not appreciated for their efforts and frequently have an irrational sense of entitlement, as if they should have more and better things happening to them, or as if other people should do more and better for them. This unsatisfied feeling of entitlement generates anger and resentment towards other, and they are likely to feel offended if their “unfeeling” behavior is pointed out to them, and will lash out in full throttle anger. 

In addition to this, some people tend to have an external locus of control, where they attribute the causal relationship between their own behavior and its consequences to an external factor, like luck, or society. Consequently, these people tend to blame others for their uncomfortable emotional states, trying to avoid the emotional turmoil by becoming angry and blaming those around them. If your spouse exhibits this behavior, you are likely to be blamed for all the problems in your relationship, and he is not very likely to change his ways.

Some psychologists suggest you can make an anger journal, clearly and objectively stating times, triggers, who initiated, and purpose, and maybe you can establish anger patterns and steer clear of them in the future.

However, keep in mind that your marriage should be based on trust and companionship rather than resentment and uncertainties, and constantly walking on eggshells around someone is tiresome and hurtful. Though it might be painful to consider, your only choice might be to walk away from such a toxic relationship. Living in anger and resentment day in and day out is unhealthy, both physically and psychologically. You might argue that you still love him and that you want to make the relationship work, or simply that you need him financially, so weigh your options carefully and do what feels best for you.

Recent studies relate low testosterone levels with a variety of anger related symptoms, namely fatigue and reduced energy, sleep problems, low sex drive and erectile dysfunction, lack in concentration, mood swings, etc. This physiologic condition might explain the sudden angry outbursts when your husband is tired, so in order to counteract this situation, he would benefit from establishing a regular sleeping routine and exercising in the morning, as his energy levels would increase during the day.

Additionally, having his testosterone levels checked would also allow for the prescription of a testosterone replacement therapy that would improve his general welfare. If his mood swings persist even after the replacement therapy, maybe you should consider asking your doctor to evaluate the severity of the case and suggest appropriate counseling or medication, as you might be dealing with depression or IED.

Psychologists are univocal when stating that anger generates anger, and that our impulsive response to an angry outburst is to lash out emotionally, so instead of retorting head on, go for a more neutral approach so as to de-escalate the argument. By remaining calm, you allow your partner time to cool off. Be patient and compassionate, trying to understand the reasons behind his constant anger, and scrutinize your own actions to see if your own behaviors trigger his anger in any way.

Be assertive, rather than aggressive, in your communication, objectively indicating your needs and wants, and listen actively to what your partner has to say in order to really understand his needs and wants. Active listening makes you acknowledge the other’s perspective as a valid one and a reflexion of his/her opinions, withholding any judgment or preconception that might hinder communication.

Having a mean and abusive husband is definitely not what you signed up for when you decided to marry. When the man of your dreams turns out to be your worst nightmare, try to keep it together and evaluate if the relationship is worth saving. If despite all the arguments, he is still the man you love and cherish above all others, motivate him and yourself into working together to improve your chances of success. After all, that’s what marriage is all about: two people coming together so that each can lead a better life.