What are the concerns of a Second Marriage to keep in mind

The things to note when you're entering into a Second Marriage

By Caren M
What are the concerns of a Second Marriage to keep in mind

How to make a second marriage work

When we get married, we're thinking of forever with the person you love. No one thinks that the relationship will end in some way. You imagine that your love for each other will weather all bad that comes your way because that's what happens in an ideal world. This is your fairytale and it can't go wrong.

However, this is not an ideal world and things will happen to tear you and your spouse apart and once this happens, most of us lose hope of finding love again. In the case of divorce, fear of having a marriage that fell apart and resentment might give you pause about the whole marriage thing while in the case of a deceased spouse, the remaining partner may still feel some sort of loyalty.

If you get a second shot at happiness, we advocate that you take it because life is too short and you shouldn't lose something great just because you're afraid of the semantics. A second shot at married life is a wonderful opportunity to 'do it right' and we got you covered on how to make it work.

1. Get yourself 'right'

For whatever reason your first marriage did not work, you need to work on yourself first before you commit to another human being. Get in touch with your inner self and find out what kind of Phoenix rose out of the ashes. Be okay with yourself physically, psychologically and emotionally. Do whatever you have to do to get to this place because a long life commitment is a huge deal and you want to make sure that you're not bringing in anything that might still be anchoring you to the same spot and sink your new partner with you.

2. Careful consistent communication

Communication is very important in any partnership and it is especially so in your marriage. Make sure that the communication channels are constantly open. Keeping open communication will mean that the two of you are a unified front. Also, while we're here, it is important to voice your concerns whenever they arise because it's difficult and you need the support of your partner in adjusting to this new dynamic. Listen to each other and reassure each other of the value and love you have for each other and that your marriage will be one of the ones beating the odds.

3. Blended families

In most cases when you enter a second marriage, there are kids involved and those pose a challenge of their own because your kids will probably be the most resistant to welcoming a new member into the family. You and your partner need to work systematically to make your families feel comfortable around each other. Spend time with the kids together and have your partner be involved in their lives, doing normal stuff like school drop-offs and attending games so the kids feel secure and loved in the new dynamic. Do not attempt a 'replace unavailable partner' because will be met with hostility and anger because of the kids' sense of loyalty to their parent. Show them that your partner is in the family because of you and not because he/she is looking to replace the missing parent. Teach them to accept the new situation they are in and make them understand that this is what you want and your happiness will benefit them too.

4. Keep your ex and his business at bay

He's your ex and you have a ton of history together but he's not the one in your life right now and you need to focus on your new marriage. There's a lot of baggage but if you don't leave it outside when you enter a new marriage, then it just might poison it. This ultimately goes back to the point of getting yourself right making sure you're in the right headspace before entering another union.

5. Be each other's support system

A second marriage is very much like the first in the sense that you and your partner need to be each other's support system, maybe more in a second marriage. One or both of you have their own insecurities especially after experiencing the failure of a first marriage and you need to lean on your partner when you feel like you're hitting the rough patch. Leaning on each other will help you get stronger in the union and you might find yourselves connecting and being a closer knit union.

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The problems faced during a Second Marriage

The list of problems could very well mean the end of a wonderful relationship if they are not addressed early on in the relationship. 

6. PTSD from the first marriage

Not really PTSD the diagonalized kind but you might find yourself fearing certain aspects of your marriage. You might find yourself applying the same principals you did in your previous marriage, like being overly jealous or suspicious. Of course, you have perfect reasoning for this, maybe your ex put you through a lot but this is a new relationship and you need to trust more and let go a little bit. Get help if you need to to get yourself right before you ruin a good thing.

7. Keep your finances in order

The time before a first divorce and second marriage gives people space to reconnect with their independence including financially. If you enter a second marriage with the mindset of mine and yours with a clear distinction between the two then friction will be felt pretty early on especially in the case of a blended family. Talk about the big elephant in the room and how you plan to deal with it. Getting this problem out of the way will save your marriage a big deal.

8. Kids

The kids you both might share are a blessing but they might just be the bomb that detonates your marriage. Kids in such situations can cause rifts and pressures to rise in your marriage if you don't make them fully understand the situation. Your kids are important, yes, but so is your new relationship and you shouldn't make them feel like your relationship is only secondary to them because they will cause a rift. Co-parent, don't replace a parent and definitely don't practice an aloof relationship with your stepkids. It's all about a very delicate dance to make them feel loved and appreciated and part of the family but you and your partner are the big decision makers.

9. Lack of communication

Goes without saying that if you don't communicate, things will go down pretty fast. Most couples avoid communicating because they don't want to overwhelm their partner or they don't want to seem too needy. This creates a disconnect between the two of you and that's where the boat starts sinking.

10. Wrong mindset

Second marriages are generally easier to leave especially if the couples didn't really try to make a blended family feel blended. If you don't share any kids or assets then you might not feel it too difficult to walk out of a second marriage as opposed to a first marriage where there are lots of entanglements before a divorce is finalized.

Statistics of a Second Marriage

According to Psychology Today, 50% of first marriages end in divorce due to various reasons. The number drastically shoots to 67% in second marriages. A number of reasons can be offered up for the higher number in second than first marriages, the most common being that people get into a second in more of a marriage rebound situation... Until you get over it.

Another study carried out some years back, published by couples therapy inc.com, found that that 40% of people from first marriages get remarried and that half of all second marriages have one previously married spouse while the other half have both spouses who were already married. 

How to build wedding vows for second marriages?

Vows are all about talking from your heart, making vows of loving cherishing and protecting the union. That you will share in life's joys as well as bleak moments with them. Promise your commitment to the growth of your marriage and family. You can never go wrong with speaking what's in your heart.

a) Make a promise of love, honor and support

Especially if both of you have been through this once, it is always a good idea to make a promise of commitment to the marriage, to give your love and a lifelong dedication to the union. To offer companionship on the road you choose to walk together.

Love, my one and only love, I stand before you declaring my love to you in my right mind. Thank you for being my friend, my love, and my confidant. No one could ask for more. That is why I am committing to you for the rest of my life as your wife. Our children are grown and we are starting over a second time. I promise you it will be sweeter than the first time. I promise to love you, honor you, cherish you, be faithful, and support you in every way. I promise to stand by your side through sickness and health, richer or poorer, good and the bad.

Sample vows you could make on your promise to love, commit, be a friend and stand by your partner

b) Let them know how much they've changed your life

They've brought sunshine and joy in a world that was dark and they've made you believe in giving love, life, a second chance and you hope that you do the same for them. Promise to cherish the love between the two of you, to look forward to the many beautiful suns that will rise to the tune of the two of you together, to cry and laugh together...

Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I dare to dream again. I look forward with great joy to spending the rest of my life with you, caring for you, nurturing you, being there for you in all life has in store for us, and I vow to be true and faithful for as long as we both shall live. Since I have found you, I have found a new life. The decision to commit to share that life with you is one I make happily and with full confidence in our love.

c) Offer yourself to the union completely

It says something about your commitment when you can offer yourself completely to a person even after serious heartbreak so go ahead and jump off the ledge for them.

I offer myself to you as a partner in life. I vow to love you in sickness and in health. I commit myself to encourage you in good times and in bad. I will cherish and respect you all the days of our life together. Starting anew once again, I give thanks that I have found you. May our marriage be a gift to the world and our families, as your love is a gift to me.

Summary

Second marriages are certainly hard to get into because there are all kinds of internal and external pressures pulling you guys apart and putting your heart out there can feel like a lot of work may not feel like it'd be worth all the drama and headache but you deserve a second shot at happiness. It's not going to be easy but nothing worth it is ever easy.

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