10 Things Learnt After Leaving an Abusive and Narcissistic Relationship

In an endless narcissistic abuse cycle? It's time to end it

By Diana N.
10 Things Learnt After Leaving an Abusive and Narcissistic Relationship

Why Do People Enter Into A Relationship With A Narcissistic?

Leaving a narcissist is definitely of the hardest things one could ever do. This is because narcissists are constantly seeking your attention and once they feel like that is not being offered anymore, they can do anything to get it back including being abusive. They need someone to abuse and manipulate in order to prove to themselves that they are better, stronger and smarter. Nothing a narcissist says or does it really because they are very skilled at manipulation.

As much as it is hard to believe this, there are so many reasons that make people fall in love with narcissists.

  1. Some narcissists have wonderful qualities. These include intelligence, good looks, a good sense of humor, fun, prestige, power charm and so on and so on. These characteristics often accompany each other and therefore making them easier to fall in love with.


  1. They can be intoxicating. Charming narcissists can turn out to be quite intoxicating as they treat you like something they are pursuing. They make you feel special, wanted and chosen and when this is overdone it can be intoxicating, at this point, it is not clear to other people but these feelings fade with time and leaving could lead to a painful breakup.


  1. The same reasons they could fall in love with anyone else. People fall in love with narcissists the same way they could fall in love with anyone else. They meet them, feel attracted to them for their various qualities and feel connected in the long run.


  1. Some people may fall in love with a narcissist as a result of repeating their past where if they were raised by narcissists, they repeat the familiar patterns whereby they pick someone who unconsciously repeats actions from their childhood such as constantly seeking approval, attention, love, etc. As a result, these people end up wounded again just as in their past.


  1. Sometimes, insecurities drive people to enter into relationships with narcissists. Some people fear life without having a partner and this drives them into the arms of a narcissist.


  1. The boldness and sense of entitlement make a narcissist look sexy and appear to be a good possible mate. A narcissist knows how to wing things to be in his favor and while he is doing so, many ladies will be swayed by his performance not knowing that all that is meant to validate himself.

10 Things Learned From An Abusive Narcissistic Relationship

1. No second chance

Don’t give the narcissist a second chance. If the narcissist is not ready for you to leave which is often the case, go ahead and leave. Staying in the relationship will not change who they are and what they are willing to do to gain your attention. They will plead with you and tell you how sorry they are but giving them another chance is just giving them another chance to hurt you.

2. Make a copy of your documents

Narcissists are known to take your personal documents away in the name of safekeeping. Ensure that you always have copies with you. This is especially good if you are from a different country as the abuser may hide your documents so that you don't escape.

3. Make sure you have spare cash

If you are thinking about leaving an abusive narcissistic relationship, ensure that you have your own bank account. If they are financial abuser, do this in secrecy.

4. Don’t trust in their flattery

Some narcissists can be sweet and charming and they can use these traits to trap you in the relationship. Their ultimate goal could be to create the kind of environment you have always wanted so you don’t find a reason to want to leave but as soon as you settle again, things go back to the way they were.

5. Reconnect with your friends and family

Narcissists want to have all your attention and so they cut you off from your family and friends. They may have turned you against your family and friends by spreading lies. You must reconnect with your people; it takes a simple mind shift to realize that you were just tricked.

6. Learn how to ground yourself

Reclaiming yourself is very important. Figure out why you were attracted to this person in the first place and break the spell. Ground yourself after an abusive relationship because you may still be living the experience.

7. Your value for people who admit when they are wrong increases

This is as a result of dealing with an abusive narcissist who always puts the blame on others from their partners to their parents.

8. When you leave, stay away

When you leave, you may be tempted to go back for all the good times you had, remember that these good times were created just to keep you there and trap you in the relationship. A narcissist will always be a narcissist and they are good at pretending.

9. Don’t rush into new relationships

One of the reasons people date similar people over and over is as a result of rushing in relationships. If you were in a narcissistic abusive relationship, you may easily fall for a similar one blindly and end up with people who treat you badly because of similar feels.

10. Discard belongings

Once you have left the relationship, gather up anything that reminds you of the narcissist and gets it out of your site especially if you do not need this stuff. You can donate them or just give them away. It is all about decluttering and new beginnings.

Once you learn all these things and more from loving an abusive narcissist, your life gets a lot happier and you become stronger and you will be able to manage whoever and whatever life throws at you.

Support And Recovery: Where To Get Emotional And Financial Help

Domestic violence may lead to emotional and financial problems which could be painful. When dealing with a narcissist, they may abuse you in both ways leaving you with invisible pain that people can't see. Emotionally abusive tactics include criticism, control, verbal abuse, belittling, shaming, mind games, etc.

To help recover from emotional abuse, it is advisable to share your experience with the people close to you like your friends and family. Speaking out a problem is one step closer to having it solved

You should also consider visiting a therapist to guide you through your healing process. Take your time and don’t rush the process. Forgive yourself for anything you could be blaming yourself of and this is when true healing begins to happen.

If you were in a financially abusive relationship, this could have led you into a bad financial state and even in deep amounts of debt. Your abusive narcissist partner may have taken all your documents leaving you with nothing to prove your creditworthiness if you want to start over.

Always report these to the government authorities’ in charge of handling such matters. This may give you leverage the narcissist and have your documents back. You can also consider talking to financial institutions and start planning for your future.

It is also a good thing to ask for your friends and family for financial assistance since they understand well where you are coming from. This way you can start small and grow your business. Family and real friends will always have your back at all times. All you have to do is ask and explain your situation.

Related Article: Divorce 101: Strategy and Tips To Divorce A Narcissist
Divorce 101: Strategy and Tips To Divorce A Narcissist

Staying in any form of abusive relationship should be a no-no. That said, if you are with a narcissist husband, there are steps to follow when divorcing.


Loving an abusive narcissist is one of the experiences that could completely change everything you thought you knew about people. However, you should remember that people are different and you can’t judge the entire world by the actions of a single person. It is therefore important to learn to let go of the hurt you feel. Let go of the past and start creating a beautiful life with the people that you truly care about.

If you find it hard to leave a narcissistic person, consider talking to them and advise them to get help. It is the nature of a narcissist to keep from seeking appropriate care for this condition and therefore with much encouragement, you can get them into physiotherapy. Through this, they can improve personal relationships and learn better patterns of behavior. Through therapy, someone with a narcissistic personality disorder can learn and grow to accept responsibility for their actions. They can also learn how to develop realistic goals and a better sense of proportion.


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