What is Dominant and Submission in BDSM?
Is your sex life turning stale and vanilla? Are you looking for some excitement in the bedroom and tired of the same old rituals? Maybe it’s time to venture into the world of BDSM, mainly the D and S parts. Perhaps it’s your first time hearing the terms “dominant” and “submissive,” or you have a bit of knowledge and want to add to it, whatever the case may be, these terms have more to them than meets the eye.
First, what is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage and disciple, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. Merriam Webster defines this kink as “sexual activity involving such practices as the use of physical restraints, the granting and relinquishing of control, and the infliction of pain.” BDSM goes beyond inflicting physical pain; there is also physical and psychological control.
Domination and Submission incorporates an exchange of power and control. One inflicts pain, and the other is, in turn, humiliated. Let's spell out the terms and conditions to be a Dom or a "top." A dom utilizes power and control over the sub in any D/s relationship. In the BDSM community, the letter D is purposefully capitalized while the letter s is lowercase- this denotes who is the boss in the relationship.
Contrary to popular belief, women can also assume Dom's position or commonly referred to as "femdom." When a male is the Dom, it is called "maledom." The Dom dictates the behavior of the sub in and out of sex. There are arrangements in a D/s relationship where the Dom controls even daily behavior such as food habits and sleeping patterns. The typical dominant and submissive play is an erotic interchange of power. Dominants and submissives are not stuck on one role; the roles are interchangeable.
Now, let’s talk about the “bottoms” or the submissives. Those who take the subordinate role is the subs. Many “bottoms” find satisfaction, sexually and mentally, in serving a “top.” This role requires a lot of mental, emotional, and sexual preparation. To become a worthy sub, you must know the dos and don’ts.
Basically, a sub is willing to drop dead for a dom. Their rights, desires, everything about them- they hand over to the dom. A sub must be willing to obey the wishes of the dom- whether it is sexual or not. Of course, consent is still considered here. Even if the sub follows the dom, there is always consent.
With that being said, you must be interested in trying out these dynamics with your partner. How does it work? Here are some dom and sub-games to play to spice things up.
18 BDSM Dom and Submission Games to Play
1. Play a Dice Game
If you’re new to the BDSM world, it’s best to start things slow. Don’t go full force and throw yourself into it; you might leave scarred for the rest of your life, literally. A simple game to try out is a dice game with a twist. All you need is paper, pen, dice, and your imagination to play.
Sit down with your partner and write down 6 of your favorite body parts you liked touched. Include anything and everything- don’t forget erogenous zones. Next, list down six sexual actions you want to be done to you. Suck, twist, lick, bite, hit- you get the idea. Once you have everything ready, take turns rolling the dice. The first roll is for body parts, and the second roll is for action. Take turns, carrying out what you rolled says, and watch the magic take place.
2. Make a List
This is an excellent method to set boundaries in your new BDSM dynamics. A sub can make a list of all the things they are willing to do for the Dom. Include sexual and non-sexual things to keep things easy to follow. Include things like “My Dom can spank me as a punishment” or “My Dom can penetrate me anally.” The list of things a sub is willing to do varies from person to person.
3. Moving = Losing
Let’s get into more Dom and sub-games to try out. This game is easy to play and requires each person to carry out their role. Basically, one partner pleasures the other one but with a catch- the partner being pleasured is not allowed to move. Any movement calls for punishment. If the Dom is the one pleasuring the sub and the sub reacts, the Dom can punish the sub. You can use verbal or physical punishment.
4. Find my “#@&%!”
For this game, you’ll need a blindfold and a comfy location. Pick out a spot you want to do the game in, preferably one that is safe for the blindfolded person to crawl or walk around in. Next, blindfold the sub and have them wait patiently. The Dom then stands a foot away and tells the sub to find a specific body part. “Find my banana.” You get the idea.
5. Remote Toys at Home
You’ll need some remote-controlled sex toys to carry this one out, for example, vibrating underwear. Has your sub put on the vibrating undergarments while you’re at home? Through the remote control, the Dom can increase the stimulation or decrease it. The sub is not allowed to orgasm until the Dom allows it. Watch the sub try to go about their day holding their orgasm in.
6. Remote Toys in Public
With the same vibrating toy, head out to the mall or any public location. This adds to the humiliation, and any sub is bound to get even more turned on by this. The Dom exerts their power by increasing stimulation and commands the sub not to come until they're allowed.
7. Counting Blows
This is great to try out if you want to exert dominance over your partner. Have your bottom count the blows- spanking, caning, and the like. If the sub stops counting for any reason, the Dom starts over. Knowing how many impacts you’ll receive adds to the thrill and excitement, and you end up enjoying the pain too much and forget to keep tabs.
8. Assign Tasks
A more experienced Dom and sub would want to try this out. This involves Dom assigning tasks for the sub to do. Have the sub go on all fours like a dog and retrieve an object. This is a very embarrassing behavior, and newcomers in BDSM might have difficulty carrying this out. The “tasks” can be almost anything and everything as long as there are humiliation and power play involved.
9. Punishment Cards
It can be challenging for a Dom to think up of different punishments for a sub. If you lack ideas, maybe getting or making punishment cards will keep ideas flowing. Have the sub prepare punishment cards beforehand and let them draw a card every time they need punishment. This adds to the thrill of what discipline you will get.
10. Worship the Dom
An easy D/s interaction is worshiping the Dom. For an entire day, the sub heeds every command of the Dom. Anything the Dom says is followed. The sub can not disagree and can only say yes. The sub can also wear outfits that please the Dom.
11. Ask the Dom for Permission
A simple yet exciting game is the “Master, may I…” In this game, a sub is not allowed to act on their own will for anything. They need to ask permission to the Dom. A sub must ask permission to take off their clothes, move, touch the Dom, and even eat, go to the bathroom, and the like.
12. Reward the Sub
A generous Dom might want to reward their sub for specific tasks. As the Dom, let the sub know the distinct rewards they can get for a particular job. It can be simple things like house chores. The range of “tasks” the Dom wants the sub to do is endless.
The world of role-playing in Dom and sub roles is vast. Roles are endless, and Doms and subs can take turns releasing their inhibitions. Roleplaying is a great outlet to let out that inner Dom and sub in you. Some roles you can do are teacher and student, cop and robber, master and servant, and the list goes on.
14. Use Sex Toys and Equipment
BDSM is not complete without some sex toys. In a Dom and sub relationship, incorporating sex toys is an excellent method to show dominance and submission. Some toys and equipment you can use are dildos, gags, rope, collars, handcuffs, harnesses, and bondage tape. Remember to practice some of these things with precaution.
15. Temperature Play
Some subs like to play with temperature in bed. A Dom can run an ice cube down the sub's naked torso and then switch to scorching candle wax (ones safe for the skin and specifically for sex). Be careful not to hurt the sub during this interaction.
16. Tease With Latex and Leather
A sub can tease the Dom by putting on some latex, tight leather clothing, corsets, or fetish wear. Though not necessarily a game, the sub or Dom can turn this into a game by setting rules and boundaries. For example, even if one is turned on, no touching or the like. Feeling and looking sexy adds to the whole experience.
17. Dirty Talk
Are you finding yourself away from your partner? If your Dom or sub is not in the same room with you and you want to spice things up for the next time you meet, dirty talk is the go-to step. If you are the Dom, text the sub all the naughty things you want to do to them the next time you see them. As the sub, make the Dom feel powerful and listen to their headings. Also, tell the Dom all the things you want to be done to you to keep them interested.
18. Kama Sutra With Some BDSM
Are you tired of the same boring positions in bed? Why not try some new and adventurous positions from the Kama Sutra, an Indian guidebook written by philosopher Vatsyayana to unearthly sex positions? You can continue with your Dom and sub roles while having a crack at the sex positions.
Safety Tips to Note
Before going all out on BDSM, make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into physically and emotionally. If not practiced with precaution, sexual encounters with incorporated BDSM can end in someone getting hurt. Never tie the ropes too hard. Make sure you know where the keys are placed for handcuffs and harnesses. If the sub calls for a timeout, pay heed to their requests.
A Dom also needs to give extra TLC to a sub after a powerful game. A sub can experience a crash of endorphins after too much powerplay, and it is Dom’s job to be there for extra emotional support. Don’t get too carried away and forget about each other’s emotional well-being.
When in doubt, try out one or more of the games mentioned in this article. You’ll undoubtedly start to see a change in your sex life. Remember that the D/s roles still need consent. With that said, good luck on your journey of BDSM!