Why Narcissist Use The Silent Treatment And How To Deal With It

Sometimes, it’s not the words that hurt the most, but rather the absence of communication. The narcissist knows this, which is why the silent treatment is their most powerful weapon.

For those who have been the subject of the silent treatment, it should come as no surprise that this behavior is a form of emotional abuse. Your partner, friend or relative suddenly shuts themselves down to any form of communication with you, leaving you no way to resolve the conflict or defend yourself. It’s a classic case of narcissist versus codependent. If you found your way to this article, then you probably are currently suffering from the damaging effects of the silent treatment or other abusive tactics of the narcissist. You know deep down inside that something is not right, and you are taking the first steps to better your situation. This article will help you identify narcissistic behaviors, teach you how to distance yourself from them, and heal from the abuse. First we will begin by understand the narcissist and their victim the co-dependent. Then we will go over how and why the Narcissist uses the silent treatment and lastly we will cover how to overcome the abuse of the silent treatment, distant yourself from the abuser and let yourself heal. So, let’s start with the narcissist.

Here we have the narcissist, a person afflicted with a personality disorder characterized by amoral manipulative behavior. Their actions can go so far as to even be considered downright evil; reacting to triggers with vicious slanderous lies and derogatory insults are some of the lighter tools in their belt. Narcissists are notoriously aggressive people and are often come into conflicts with just about everyone. They discard other's feelings and well-being for the sake of their own personal gain. The source of this behavior is deeply rooted in self-loathing and the perspective that the world is out to get them. A narcissist truly believes that this is a dog eat dog world. They don’t care about morals, but feel a need to take before being taken from; they hurt before getting hurt, and attack before being attacked. The narcissist is an unnecessarily confrontational and highly suspicious individual. One narcissist I knew always thought his employees were plotting against him, and that his business partner was trying to cheat him, reacting aggressively towards them for months on end until, inevitably, conflict would arise. His suspicions were toxic and dehumanizing, justifying his abusive treatment of them with illogical theories and fractured rationales. He would suddenly pick unnecessary fights, routinely deny them praise for their hard work and criticize them harshly in front of others. Needless to say, he is no longer in business. There really is no benefit to this type of manipulative behavior other than to protect the ego of the narcissist. But, the ego is a powerful thing. It knows that its survival depends on keep the defensive front going. After all, it is the ego of a narcissist that gave the personality type its name, in reference to Narcissus, the demigod who suddenly fell in love with himself upon seeing his reflection. The only thing a narcissist allows themselves to love is their ego. So do not be fooled when they pledge their love to you over the months, behind those words their ego lies waiting to take them back from you.

Let's come back to the counterpart to the narcissist is the codependent. Highly empathetic, they are in tune to other's emotions and often go out of their way to appease unpleasant individuals as a means to be accepted or avoid conflict. Despite being caring and understanding by nature, codependents have low self-esteem and self-image, they under value themselves, and often are taken advantage of by manipulative individuals. They discard their own needs and desires to be accepted by others.

What do you get when you mix a narcissist and a codependent? The silent treatment, and other abusive games. The sensitive, appeasing, conflict fearing codependent is easy prey for the brash, aggressive, manipulative narcissist. Reacting like an energy vampire, the narcissist will drain the life right out of the codependent, turning them into an empty husk of what they once were or what they could have been. The narcissist discards the essence of the codependent person and molds them into their desired shape.

Narcissists use the silent treatment as a way to maintain a perception of control over the codependent. They shut down all forms of communication, preventing the codependent from resolving the conflict or even being able to properly defend themselves. The silence is also a weapon, used to punish the victim for the perceived assault against their ego, most likely triggered by the abused reacting with assertion of their boundaries. It halts all possibilities of negotiation and diminishes the victim’s worth in the eyes of the narcissist, until their target virtually disappears. The silent treatment is meant to disintegrate your worth in the eyes of the narcissist.

Funny thing about the human brain is that it responds to the emotional abuse of rejection and discard in the same way it responds to physical pain. When experiencing the rejection from the silent treatment, screaming neurons fire painful demands into your conscious to identify the source of the (emotional) pain and stop it. They tell you to come back to the person who is inflicting the pain. Let me rephrase this so it is entirely clear. When you experience rejection, i.e. in the form of the silent treatment, your brain feels the same sensation as physical pain. Emotional abuse in the form of the silent treatment is akin to physical abuse. When your beloved narcissist is giving you the silent treatment, you are having a physiological response exactly the same as if you were being backhanded, which is probably why it is easy for narcissists to elevate the passive quiet codependent into a raving desperate animal during disputes. We are social creatures by nature and our brains are designed to crave human approval and affection, narcissists understand the power they can have over someone through denying them attention. To be invisible is to be nothing, which is why the narcissist uses the silent treatment, to turn you into nothing.

Narcissists are social predators. While their attacks are most prevalent in romantic situations, they can appear in any of your interpersonal relationships. People suffer from the silent treatment directed at them by their children, relatives and so-called friends. Each relationship offers different dynamics to separating yourself from the narcissist attacks. Narcissists are inherently difficult to deal with. Sometimes it is just not possible to completely remove yourself from this situation, but you can better your own situation by asserting your boundaries, and making peace with the fact that you are your own responsibility and they are theirs. The silent treatment is never easy to deal with, but hopefully you can come to terms that you are not responsible for the narcissist's aggression.

This first thing to you must do in order to break free from the long abusive cycle and silent treatments of the narcissist is admit that you are reacting as a part of the cycle. If you find yourself wrapped up in the drama of a narcissist then, my friend, you are a codependent, and you come with all the flaws of the codependent. As long as you deny yourself responsibility over yourself, you will always return to the narcissist-victim tug of war. I too had to come to the conclusion that I was a participating member of the narcissist's abuse. As a codependent, I had to make the difficult choice to evaluate my character weaknesses in order to close the door of my soul off from toxic relationships with narcissists and come back to myself. I never was going to stop the flow of harassments, derogatory insults, and wicked manipulations coming from the narcissists in my life until I made a promise to myself that no matter the outcome, I was not going to compromise may values. I stand today, proud of the voice I have discovered hidden deep in my chest, buried under pointed fingers, fears, and insecurities. I had to dig deep to come back to the pieces of me I stashed away to return to my true self. I have taken time to cultivate myself, regrow my social networks, and ultimately tend to my own spiritual garden, but I had to start with recognizing what I was doing that put me into bad situations with narcissists. While no one should have to suffer at the hands of the narcissist, it is important to know that you shouldn’t sit idly by while the narcissist whittles away at your soul. So let’s go over our traits as codependents that hold us back from taking ownership of ourselves and free ourselves from the grip of the narcissist and escape the pain of the silent treatment forever, shall we?

This is the main reason why the narcissist gets away with the silent treatment attacks. While codependents don’t take ownership over the consequences of their lives, they also think that they can take care of everything on their own, or that they don’t want to bother or pester others. This prevents you from having access to help and support from your friends and loved ones, making you easy to isolate for the narcissist. It is important that you ask people for help when you need it. The road to recovery is long, and can take months or even years to return to a healthy state of mind. Your network is the first line of defence against the silent treatment attacks of narcissists. They can offer you advice when you need it and support when you suddenly need it. There is no reason why you should have to go it alone, yet surprisingly this is the hardest piece of my own advice for me to take when dealing with narcissists. I still battle with long bouts of low self-esteem, making me feel like I am a burden for reaching out to my network. I have to push to not get stuck in this mentality and remember that if my friends are reacting like my needs aren’t important, get new friends. So don’t shy away from asking for love. Let’s stop reacting like martyrs by isolating ourselves for months from the healing powers of others. Take a chance, reach out. Better to try and learn from the experience than sit and suffer months in silence at the hands of a narcissist. If you just think about how the silent treatment makes you feel, you realize the importance of meaningful human connections.

A sure sign of a codependent is someone who is always reacting to hardship by making up excuses for why they are powerless. They suddenly cry foul when rent is short that month, blaming their boss for not offering more shifts. They weep when the landlord evicts them, blaming the system for failing them. They come back and blame their partner for being abusive and causing the relationship to fail when they saw all along the signs of toxicity, reacting instead by denying themselves ownership over the situation. They allow themselves to become a victim of the narcissist by reacting as if they have no power.

You will always compromise your true self as long as you allow the perception of others to come before your own needs, and the narcissist knows this. In order to end the cycle of narcissists taking advantage of you, you have to accept that you cannot force someone to suddenly love you. It is OK though, as long as you love yourself, you will bring in and attach healthier relationships with people who will share in bettering your lives together rather than destroy them. Once you experience a relationship without a narcissist it is hard to return. They will expect you to come back, but it is important not to. The narcissist knows you need their approval, which is why the silent treatment is a powerful weapon. They know by giving you the silent treatment they can control your behavior because you will be desperate to end the conflict and return to acceptance.

I usually joke about my inability to pick a restaurant, a color of lipstick, career, etc. But in reality it is a symptom of the larger and more dangerous problem of not being able to take ownership of one’s own destiny. Time to change this mentality! The exercise I gave myself was just to make a decision, reacting as a slightly impulsive person this tactic worked for me. Suddenly I had the power to make my own decisions, realizing that it's better to make a bad decision than no decision. As you begin the journey of taking ownership of your life you will begin to learn how to make better ones and master navigating the seas of consequence. It’s uncomfortable at first finding yourself suddenly in charge, but as you come back to yourself, you will begin to develop pride and respect for the decisions you make. Hey, you may even discover that you suddenly love yourself. So, stop letting the narcissist make decisions for you.

If you are a codependent and suffer at the hands of a narcissist then you are probably also overly generous and complimentary towards people whose opinion you are trying to sway. Codependents often use their sexuality as a means to gain approval. They have such a desire to look good that they often lie, and will even become defensive when called out. All of these are manipulation tactics. Instead of being yourself and taking ownership over that consequence, you try to manipulate others for approval because acceptance is your power. So stop it. It’s tough, I still catch myself reverting to my comfort zone, but there is no growth left there for me, and hopefully in a few months there won’t be for you either. If you come to terms that you are manipulative like the narcissist, you can start the journey to ending the cycle.

This is usually a contributing factor to their inability to separate themselves from harmful relationships with narcissists, and also contributes to their inability to make a decision, rationalizing that if they don’t make a decision, they can’t make a mistake. Start taking ownership of your mistakes, that way you can learn from them, and free yourself from the narcissist's control. Again, this is not an easy one. It takes time to develop thick enough skin to feel comfortable admitting you were wrong with ease, especially if there is a narcissist around ready to tear you down. It is OK to be wrong, it helps us to learn and grow. No one walked this planet without making a mistake, although the narcissist might have you believe they are the one exception.

Unlike narcissists, codependents don’t generally like to be in the spotlight. Even though they are desperate for approval, they tend to fear public praise. This is a necessary batter to try to conquer. It is important that you know the merits of your own success and be proud of what you do. As empathetic and humble people we fear being perceived as boastful and often deny ourselves the values of self-promotion and community praise. If you tackle these codependent behavioral issues you will begin to regain a sense of control over your life, making you immune to the gravitational pull of narcissistic abuse and immune the consequences of the silent treatment.

Let’s recap why a narcissist uses a silent treatment. First, this weapon, the silent treatment, only works if the discarded person is hurt by being ignored, therefore people who are unfortunate enough to love a narcissist are likely targets of the silent treatment. The narcissist knows that their shut down of communication will cause their victim to feel rejected and unloved, thereby giving them leverage and power over the person. Most narcissistic tactics are loud and aggressive, but the silent treatment is a very peculiar type of attack because it’s the opposite. Instead of direct aggression, the silent treatment is passive aggressive. Instead of loud it is quiet. The silent treatment sneaks into the room and poisons the victim slowly, until they break or the narcissist decides they have suffered enough to atone for their trespasses. The trigger of the silent treatment is usually a hit to the ego. The ego of the narcissist becomes slighted when the codependent begins to assert their boundaries. In attempts to regain control they silence all possible resolutions, and punished the empathic and approval seeking co-dependent. Chances are f you are undergoing a silent treatment, you must have threatened the control that the manipulator had over you. Silencing you by making you invisible is a last ditch effort for the otherwise aggressive narcissist, to make you come back under their power.

It is uncomfortable because with the action of setting boundaries comes the responsibility of enforcing them and narcissists are notorious boundary crossers. It wouldn’t matter much if you tell people not to steal if there is no consequence for them when they do. In the case of abuse it sometimes means walking away from relationships with narcissists and letting go of people who refuse to abide by your ownership over yourself. Those who are healthy for you will come back and respect you.

Narcissists hate the word no. Not only is it practically universal in its understanding, but it is the forefront of boundaries. No, I will not do something that makes me feel like a bad person. No, I won’t tolerate being yelled at or demeaned. No, I won’t be accused of ruining the evening because I said “No” to your demands. No means you have clearly defined you boundary. No, means no. If you do not stand up for yourself and say “NO!” when something pushes your limits you will continue to let yourself be a victim. Except you are not a victim to anyone else other than yourself. And ladies, listen up! This is very important for our health and safety; there is no clearer word than no. If someone continues to push, they are crossing your boundaries. It really is that simple, but if you do not define your boundaries then there is nothing for you to defend when someone crosses them. Discard any narcissist who thinks it is OK to ignore your boundaries.

You wait for the inevitable moment the narcissist will return to attempt to beat your boundaries down. Yeah, it sucks. No magical answer here that is going to save the day and make everything right as rain. That is because the magical answer is in you. Say no, stick to it and suffer the consequence. It’s part of taking charge over your life. The narcissist is going to use every trick in their book to try to get you to bend and make you feel discarded, but if they do not come to the conclusion to respect the lines in the sand you draw it will be in your benefit to terminate the relationship. Do not continue to share your precious time on this planet with a narcissist who does not respect or like the true you.

If you're suffering from the silent treatment at the hands of your partner, chances are you are dating a narcissist. A narcissist partner is not afraid to insult you or discard your worth in front of other people. The narcissist is ruthless in showing you their dominance and will talk down to you in front of strangers, friends, family. The narcissist will blames and accuse you for everything, even things completely beyond your control. A relationship with a narcissist is either really hot or really cold. The narcissist is manipulative in all aspects of the relationship, the good and the bad. When it is good, it is so good. The narcissist can make you feel like you are the most important person in the world, put you on a pedestal and overly indulge you in unnecessary praise. When it is bad, and it is usually bad, the narcissist strips you of your worth and degrades your existence. They are shameless with their tongue lashings and justify their abuse with your lack of attention to their impossible to meet demands. When they build you up, they do so to control you when you are down. The narcissist often uses acts of love as weights of guilt later. The narcissist partner will often work hard to isolate you. They pick fights with your support network, friends, colleagues, and loved ones, leaving you with access to only a few carefully screened individuals who also tiptoe around their ego. One sure fire way to find out if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is to ask yourself if you would be happy if a loved one of yours was being treated the way that you are. If your partner is making you feel worthless or discarded, then chances are you are dealing with a narcissist.

While I don’t like to advocate or advise people to suddenly make life-changing decision (I think most people should reach their own conclusions) we have to face the reality that emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. Once the cycle of abuse has begun there is virtually no way to escape it without terminating the relationship because the narcissist has already decided that your boundaries are an insult to them. Only through detachment, time, and healing can you recover from the wounds inflicted upon you by the toxicity of the silent treatment. No one deserves to be in a abusive relationship. You deserve to be loved by your partner or to have the freedom to love yourself, not suffer from silent treatments and other abuses. I also know how hard it can be to break free of a narcissist once you make the decision to improve your life. The narcissist has spent the entire relationship learning how to manipulate you emotionally, they know your buttons and your limits and they shamelessly aren’t afraid to exploit them. These guideline should help free you and prevent you from returning to the narcissist's silent treatment abuse.

I found it impossible to fully stand my ground until I had completely detached myself from the outcome of the situation. Screaming at me, guilt tripping me, silent treating me and throwing every emotional manipulation in the book at me, the narcissist made it difficult to stay true to myself, but I held fast and accepted whatever outcome would happen as consequence. Eventually I grew stronger in my resolve to regain control over my life, and dealing with outbursts through the detachment became reinforcement to the barrier I had created to protect my true self. I would have imagined months earlier that a break up would have been devastating, but in that moment of clarity I knew I had not discarded anything, but that I had in fact, gained myself instead.

The narcissist is a persistent and often devilish spirit when bored. They will seek you out in downturns of or literally everything that reminds them of you, even months after you separate. To them you are a cat toy; they pounce, scratch and bite. They lure you out with promises of peace, but they lay waiting to sink their claws back in a piece of you.

A narcissist may try to manipulate you into interacting with them by guiling you into being their friend. But let’s be honest, that ship sailed a long time ago. You won’t be able to be friends until the two of you have both moved on and recovered from the trauma of the relationship. On the other hand the narcissist may try to punish you one last time by ultimately cutting you out of their life forever. Full bleaching! Accept that it’s ok for you to still love them but don’t expect it in return.

The healing process can take months or even years, but it is important to stay true to yourself during this time. You are now free to exist as you, free from insult, the silent treatment and all other forms of abuse.

Grief is a part of loss. It's normal for you to feel intense pain and loss, especially when the narcissist plays off the relationship as meaningless, when it meant so much to you. Take time to grieve, it helps. You will feel a weight lift off your soul, and whether you want it to or not grief will always find a way out. It's important to let it out so it doesn't bubble over, burst your emotional pipes and express it through destructive means. The sooner you allow yourself to grieve the sooner you can rebuild. Don't wait months, begin letting go now.

I know it's cliché to say, but time really does heal all wounds. The more time you give yourself the clearer the situation becomes. New opportunities and adventures of self-discovery will help distract you from the pain, and like a physical wound, it will heal if you allow it. Remember, don’t pick the scab, maintain vigilance in your boundaries, and avoid contact with your abuser and even their friends.

It’s time to return to yourself. Part of healing means you begin to reclaim the pieces of you that you sold off to appease the narcissist. Find out who you were before the narcissist started telling you who to be. You may find you loved a food they hated, or enjoyed a fashion style they disapproved of, or that the things you thought you once loved, don’t really matter all that much to you know that you are truly connected to your own needs and desires, instead of subjecting yourself to the demands of another. Return the narcissist's friends back to sender and start your life anew. Hanging out with their friends threatens to make the narcissist come back into your life, along with all the abuse and silent treatments.

Take control of your life, and never suffer from the silent treatment again. It will feel like you are out of control, as crazy as that sounds. It will be overwhelming at times, but it will be empowering. Free from the narcissist's control you will now have access to getting to know your higher self, and you will find your inner strength. Loneliness and rejection are some of the hardest feelings to endure, but through self-love you can always rebuild again. It is never too late to improve upon yourself. The road to recovery is eternal because you can always be better.

Some parting words of advice. Stop caring so much about what other people think, and stay true to yourself. Make decisions for yourself, and be less afraid of mistakes. Let yourself love yourself, so you can draw in healthier and more fulfilling relationships.