7 Reasons Why Being Friends With Your Ex Is A Terrible Idea
You are probably thinking of picking up your phone and placing a call to your ex - well, don't. There are absolutely a thousand and one reasons why being friends with your ex is a terrible idea.
Why Is It Such a Bad Idea
Yes, we've all been there. We've all had the urge to pick up that phone and call up our ex when we get hit with a wave of nostalgia, or when we see a common interest. Then, we've all had that moment when you realize that your relationship is over, and such memories can never come alive. Then, you have a mini-tussle with your mind, where you think you can become friends again with your ex, to relieve some of the wonderful times you've had together.
Let me tell you this: it's a recipe for disaster. Remember the fact you broke up for a reason. It's normal to want to hold on to your relationship in some manner. Well, this time around, you need to listen to the voice of logic and science. Research shows us that exes make worse friends than those you've never been romantically linked.
Mind you; we are not talking about couples who dated for two weeks. Exes, in this case, are people you've formed real bonds with, while dating. Research shows that exes are less helpful, less trusting, and are less concerned about your happiness. Although this only applies when the breakup was bitter and not mutual. So, before you think about rekindling a friendship with your ex, here are few good reasons why it's a terrible idea.
1. Your relationship crashed for a reason
It’s unfortunate how we gloss over the hurts and pain of our past relationship when we try to justify our reasons for trying to become friends with our ex. Nostalgia has a funny way of making the hurts and ideas for breaking up, look trivial - don't fall for that trick. In a relationship, there is a little spat here and there, and perhaps, one or two serious fights - it happens. Most times, you work through those issues and sometimes, you don't. You finally break up when there's no possible solution to your problems, and nothing you do can make it right. Yes, this is the time that we bow out, and say: it's enough.
So, tell me why you want to go through the same cycle all over again; facing the same hurts and fighting over those issues once again. It's not worth it, especially if your past relationship was toxic. Doing that is like opening a can of worms. Yes, you might try to gloss over the pains, issues, and problems, but at what cost? Being friends with an ex is re-visiting those memories. You might try to put on a smile and talk about your similar interests like a favorite TV show, but having those thoughts at the bottom of your mind, will spoil any memory you are trying to recreate.
2. Being friends will make it harder for you to move on
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It's common to see an ex- Boyfriend/Girlfriend trying to become friends with you, and most often not; you agree just because you don't want to look disagreeable.
Online dating coach Erika Ettin, once said; how can you be open to someone new, when you still have one foot in your home's door. Before we proceed, this section reminds one of a colleague's story: She once fell in love with another colleague, and their relationship was all sparkly; just like the 4th of July's fireworks display. Well, the relationship fizzled out just as soon as it was taking off. The breakup was messy.
A few weeks later, the ex-called and asked if they could be friends. Before she knew it, she'd slipped into a friendship of cross-country visits and frequent calls. Yes, the support he offered her career was valuable. But with time, she realized that she was kidding herself: the friendship had become more of a long distance type of relationship. The moral of the story? It will be harder to move on since you will find yourself pining for those old memories.
3. You need a time to rediscover yourself
Whether it's was spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, a breakup is tough. In fact, most people often feel as if a part of them was ripped out after a relationship. Yes, we've all been through that difficult phase; of trying to do things you once did together; the times when you told them something you were thinking about and did.
It's tough after a breakup, but all these shouldn't spur you to be friends with your ex. You should never try to re-kindle your relationship because you are too scared of being alone. You need to rediscover who you are before you can even think of entering into a new relationship. You have to be confident in your capabilities, or you will find yourself becoming needy and too dependent on your next relationship. Therefore, to rediscover yourself, you need to find a little 'me' time away from your ex and your past relationship. So, man up, and take the step to discover the beauty of who you are.
4. You may want to keep tabs on your ex
Many times, we find ourselves rummaging our ex's Facebook feeds and checking their pictures and posts for any recent updates about their lives. These feelings or stalker syndrome may intensify when you re-kindle your friendship with your ex. It's excruciating when you see your ex move on and find happiness with another. Staying friends with your ex will make you privy to their love life, and it might even tempt you to influence their love life.
In fact, being Facebook friends can still have that effect on you, and not even to talk about becoming real-life friends again with your ex. So, if you don't want a possible stalker sticker pasted on you in the nearest future, then avoid being friends with your ex, as this might revive old wounds and affections. To bolster this point, let's take a look at a recent survey by Men's Health.
They conducted a survey of 3000 people, and about 85 percent admitted to checking their ex's Facebook profile. The remaining percentage admitted to checking their ex's profile at least once a week.
5. You may suffer from the grass is greener syndrome
Let's listen to the voice of sciences and logic. Research shows that once you are not satisfied in your present relationship with maybe a husband/wife, you begin to romanticize about the previous and even your time together though it might be abusive.
As mentioned earlier, it's easy to romanticize your time together with an ex, and you might even forget about their irritating habit and the reasons why you broke up. Once you start having that thought, then disaster is looming.
Next, you stop giving attention to your husband/wife. Take a deep breath and look at your past relationships objectively, and see the reasons why you left in the first place. Have you done that? This is because this way of thinking is a trap, and once you think that the grass is greener on the other side, then you will never be satisfied where you may be.
So, before you join the bandwagon of those searching for greener pastures, you should address the issues you are facing with your current partner. Remember, it's worth the effort to patch things up in your current relationship, rather than rekindling your friendship with your ex.
6. They Will Never Take No For An Answer
Once this happens, know it's time to stock up on your pepper spray and also read up on your martial arts. It's extremely dangerous to re-ignite the flames of friendship since your ex might desire more than just friendship. Especially if it was an abusive relationship, then you should know that you are in for it. I'll strictly advise avoiding making friends to an ex who once abused you.
An abusive ecosystem/ex will still want to have a measure of control over your life, and it's best if you don't initiate friendship at all. Even if you have initiated a friendship, and you notice that the patterns are repeating, then it's time to involve the police and get a restraining order. On the one hand, a little snooping in an ex's Facebook page is still normal when compared to real-life full-on stalking. Stalking signs include when your ex contacts you even when you tell them not to. It also involves showing up at your place, even when you tell them not to. So, to avoid the stress of filing a case against stalking.
7. You may still love them
Admit it, hanging out with your ex brings out some residual feelings. Sometimes, being in love with your ex may be one of the reasons why you are trying to be friends. Well, forget about it.
As mentioned earlier, there's a reason why you broke up with them. Furthermore, trying to become friends under the guise of getting them back, is calling for disaster. You cannot force or regain that love under the guise of friendship. You open yourself to more hurt and despair if you have this intention in mind.
So, is there any reason why you should pick up that phone, and call your ex? Sure, there are tons of reasons. This can only work if neither of you has an ulterior motive, other than just connecting with a wonderful ex-wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend.
In addition, you can be friends with your ex, if it's not going to cause friction between you and your current wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend. So, ensure that you are upfront about your intentions before taking the step.