All you need to understand about Marriage Separation

Marriages are supposed to be made in heaven and celebrated here on earth. When a couple is getting married the only thought in their mind is of glorious days filled with sunshine and happily-ever-afters.

Sadly, not every one finds it and what started off with great promise ends in the choppy waters of a separation.

What is it that causes two people who set out with so much optimism to give up and throw the proverbial towel in? How does one try to make amends when everything they do results in an evitable separation or worse, a divorce?

The Wikipedia defines Marriage Separation as, ‘A legal process by which a married couple may formalize a de facto separation while remaining legally married’. It is not as permanent as a divorce and a couple may decide to reconcile and get back together. In the event of a reconciliation, they can continue with the marriage where they left off, without doing anything else on their part.

On the other hand, if they do decide not to reconcile at all, they may file for a divorce, which leads to the legal termination of the marriage.  

Many people seek marriage separation an alternative to divorce especially in certain cultures where divorce is not acceptable on account of religious or personal moral beliefs.

Although, not final in its entirety, a marriage separation can be as traumatic as a divorce, especially if it is an unexpected one. Separation can result in heartbreak and confusion to the person who is left behind. For whatever reason, the person going through it requires support to get through this turbulent time in their lives. 

According to the US Divorce statistics, more and more people are filing for legal separation as an alternative to divorce. If you find yourself at the receiving end of separation, take heart and know that you are not alone. 

Meanwhile, here are a few things you can do to help you get through it.

This is one of the most important things to do, especially if the separation reasons were either your spouse walking out or circumstances beyond your control. Although it is good to step back and look objectively at what you could have contributed to the situation, dwelling on ‘what ifs’ and being hard on yourself for what you couldn’t control will not do you any good.

Although this may be incredibly tempting to do, don’t talk ill about your spouse to the children. They will already be going through an emotional upheaval on account of their parents being separated and they don’t need to feel as if they are trapped in between the both of you. 

Communication with your partner is vital if you are trying to salvage the relationship. However, it is also true that communication is also the basis for opposing views which can lead to confrontations. If you find that what you hoped would be a normal conversation is escalating to another ugly argument, you need to step back and calmly walk away from the conversation or hang up the phone saying you will continue the talk at a better time.

It is all too easy to let yourself go and let others leave you alone as well. This frame of mind, if pursued eventually results in depression. Force and push yourself to maintain a normal routine for you as well as the kids if they are with you. Dress up each day and try to pursue a hobby or interest that will keep you from unnecessary thinking and keep you motivated throughout the day. You will soon realize that the simple act of getting up and dressing well and doing mundane things that you like such as a walk in the park, will do wonders for your frame of mind.

It would be a good idea to not spend too much time brooding about your situation. Although it is a good thing to talk about your feelings, don’t spent hours talking about it. Surround yourself with positive people. Take the help of family and friends and do whatever it takes to keep yourself out of the emotional doldrums you will inevitably find yourself in. Talk to a counsellor if you need to and if you feel a neutral opinion will help you come to terms with your new situation.

The separation agreement is in the form of a court order which details the legal and equitable distribution of the assets, custody and parental rights defined for kids if any and other such legalities within the marriage. Different countries have different laws as to the filing and granting of marital separation agreements. Some are more stringent than others.

In the US, a marriage separation agreement just as a divorce agreement is very formal and binding. Both the parties have to appoint attorneys for the process and begin it with the filing of a petition. The parties have to provide details as to the finances, assets and debts and other financial documents along with the application.

In Canada, legal separation is known as a separation agreement. It is only recognized if the agreement has been done in writing, signed by both the parties and witnessed, failing which the separation is not recognized as binding in any form. If the required criteria is met, the separation agreement just as in the US, clearly defines boundaries as to the child custody, property division and rights and responsibilities of the involved parties created within the marital union.

Italy has a long waiting period after a marital separation agreement is drawn before the couple is awarded a divorce. In the Philippines, a legal separation is not granted until a six month waiting period after filing the petition has elapsed in order to encourage the involve couple to mediate and try to resolve the marital conflict.

If you’re having an exceptionally tough time handling your marriage separation the following quotes should comfort you.

Ever has it been that Love knows not its own depths until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran

Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wished you had been all along.
- Rae Smith


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.
- Sonia Ricotti


Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
– Mark Twain


Every experience I have, is perfect for my growth.
– Louise Hay

Seth Adam Smith the internationally acclaimed writer and author from Alaska said, “We simply can’t abandon ship every time we encounter a storm in our marriage. Real love is about weathering the storms of life together”.

If this is you, here are a few steps for you and your partner’s healing journey which will hopefully bring you back together again.

If you look back in hindsight, you may realize that the separation was a long time coming and you were most probably just ignoring the red flags. If this is so, give each other time. A little distance will bring you a better perspective.

Individually or as a couple, try to sit down and talk if you both think it is worth giving your relationship a second chance. Talk maturely about the issues that are plaguing your relationship and how you can work your way together through it. If you fail to do this, the reconciliation will be only a temporary one and you will find yourself in the same situation of marital discord all over again.

Do not under any circumstance trivialize your partner's feelings and emotions. Give a respectful listening ear and hold back any opinions and judgments. It is surely important enough to them that it caused your relationship to go into a separation, so don’t undermine any of their reasons. 

This is your chance of what was troubling you in the relationship. Do not over dramatize any situation and don’t bring back hurt feelings and emotions that were already previously dealt with. Talk about your future and don’t harbor on the past unnecessarily.

Whatever the outcome, your coming together in the first place in a marital union is reason enough for you to give your hundred percent to resolve the conflict. However, if you find that in spite of all your efforts, it is not working out then graciously accept that it may be the end of the road for you a couple.

However, if you and your partner do decide to get back together then it is better to learn from your mistakes, forgive each other and move on together as a couple with a clean slate.

Text Source/Reference:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legal_separation#Other_countries