How to deal with feeling insecure in a relationship

8 ways on how to deal with insecure feelings in your relationship

By Evelyn
How to deal with feeling insecure in a relationship

Where Does Insecurity Come From?

What is love's most potent destroyer? Do you know the answer to that question? If not, let us tell you, love's most potent destroyer is insecurity. Insecurity in one part of a couple or on either can wreak havoc in a relationship and destroy it,

When you're in a relationship (especially in a committed one) you rely on each other to keep the love alive and to protect the relationship from challenges and threats that come along the way. To do that successfully both of you'll need to be confident individuals because the chances of navigating all the hardships with a positive outcome are higher if you two are confident and secure people.

When either of you enters the relationship dragging all your insecurities, the relationship ends being the one thing that defines your values, so when something threatens it, you're unable to overcome your own insecurities and the relationship is the one that suffers the consequences. 

There are things you can do to overcome all insecurity. The first step to do it is to understand where it comes from, what causes it. The most common causes of insecurity are the following.

1. Genetics

We're all born with a built-in system that protects us from harm. When something threatens us, the system kicks in and produces chemicals that help us survive the danger by fighting, fleeing or freezing. Once the danger has passed, it releases another set of chemicals that puts us at ease. In some people, this system is very "sensitive" and they tend to react to dangerous situations with more intensity, they kind of see danger everywhere so they're in constant fear that something bad is going to happen. 

2. A childhood fill with environmental stressors

If during your childhood you've suffered a trauma, like the death of one of your parents or someone dearly loved, or broken promises (absent parents or divorce) or an abusive family environment, things or loses over which you had no control.; all this could contribute to your insecurity. Especially if you didn't have, during those hard times, someone who could have provided you with support and understanding. If you were abandoned and wounded while all those stressful and traumatic episodes were happening your confidence and security didn't have a chance of developing and now they are exacerbated every time you experience a loss.

3. Fear of not measuring up

If you have suffered you are terrified that you're going to disappoint those that are very important to you. You feel responsible for every loss you've had, so you don't think you measure up to anyone. This kind of insecurity feeds on itself and with time can make you really believe that you're unlovable.

4. An aversion to serious disagreements and arguments

Your confidence increases when you triumph over any adversity. You may profoundly dislike any kind of argument or things that take you out of your comfort zone, this could be the consequence of childhood trauma or an innate characteristic. This aversion to experience tension or conflict is what chips away your confidence because you prefer to fold in to maintain your security often giving up who you are so in your mind there will be no loss of your safety.

5. Dependency

You feel that your significant other is with you just because he hasn't found someone better. As a result, you are totally dependent on him. You start to try to please him in everything because you are in constant fear of him leaving you. All you do is center on keeping things from falling down and your whole world depends on the outcomes.

Insecurity After Being Cheated On

Have you been cheated on? It feels horrible and other very painful things. It's a traumatic experience that can leave you devastated and that can definitely put holes in your confidence. It could be that you were already an insecure person before you were cheated on (so you were kind of expecting it) or thanks to that break in trust, insecurity made its appearance. 

Cheating is, in essence, a manifestation of some internal and long-term chaos. It's all about insecurities and self-loathing. For the one cheated on, the insecurity comes by blaming themselves. If you have been cheated that could've been your first thought that it was your fault because you weren't good enough for him. Obviously, this is BS, there's no excuse for cheating, but that's what insecurity does to your mind.

As we said before, it can chip away your confidence, especially if you don't really grasp the why of the cheating and can make you feel insecure when you finally decide to move on your life. If you don't work on it, it can do a lot of damage in your next relationships.

Insecurity In A New Relationship

Insecurity in a new or any relationship has its core in the wounds that past relationship (where trust was broken) left us. To protect yourself from being hurt again, you create a defense mechanism that pushes away people and it could rob you of the opportunity of ever letting anyone in.

You know you're insecurity is showing in a new relationship if these signs manifest.

You struggle to give trust

You feel threaten very easily, you doubt his every action or words, you stalked him in social media.

To feel secure you need reasurance

You need for him to validate all your actions, you need to check up on him several times a day.

You're in perpetual panic

You try not to get into fights or disagreements because you live in constant panic of him rejecting or leaving you.

You "drown yourself in a glass of water"

You make insignificant issues bigger by picking fights and using hurtful words.

You feel easily attacked

If he asks you to do something or makes a comment about something you did, you feel immediately offended and hurt so you either lash out or you shut down completely.

Insecurity For No Reason

Has a wave of uneasiness descended over you from time to time with no warning and no explanation at all? It feels like the world is no longer a safe place or as you've come under siege from some enemy you can't see, one that its only intention is to chip away your confidence. Why do you feel so insecure about yourself and are so apprehensive? That's insecurity kicking in for no reason.

Insecurity is no more than tricks your mind loves to play; it's a fantasy born out of some fear that has no justification, a fear totally unreasonable. It doesn't have a cause, it's the sum of your thoughts, ideas, and events. They gang up on your mind and block your ability to discern things with your usual confidence. Hence the insecurity.

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8 Ways On How To Get Over These Insecure Feelings

While it's normal to have feelings of insecurity once in a while, chronic insecurity can wreak havoc in your relationship because it robs you of peace and doesn't let you enjoy your relationship and work to make it grow. A lot of people think that their insecurities are their partner's fault (somehow), but now you know that it comes from our insides. 

If you don't want to let insecurity destroy your relationship and yourself, pay attention to this 8 ways to get rid of all those insecure feelings.

1. Know what you have to offer in the relationship

Insecurity appears when you focus on the things that you think are lacking in yourself. You and he are different persons, you each have qualities and strengths that complement the other. So if you want to feel more secure about in your relationship, change your focus. Take inventory of what you have to offer (in terms of personality characteristics). Focus on all your good traits; you are a kind person, you're trustworthy, you're nice, you're funny. 

Also, think about how you're making his life better. Does he feel happy, loved, supported? That's what's important in a relationship.

2. Build your self-esteem

Trying to get approval from him about everything you do in the relationship is a lost battle. When your well-being depends on someone else you lose something of yourself, you lose control of your life. What can you do to build your self-esteem? You can tell your inner critic to shush and practice self-compassion. Focus on the things you like about yourself instead of the things you don't.

3. Reprogram the quality of your thoughts

In other words, don't psyche yourself out. Remember that insecurity comes from fear, tricks that your mind likes to play. But you can control your mind. so change the quality of your thoughts, for most of the time, they have nothing to do with reality. All that negativity is only in your head.

4. Don't be dependent on your relationship

You need to keep your independence so you'll have a healthy relationship. You don't need the relationship to fill all your needs, that way you'll feel more secure about your life. You need to have things outside the relationship (that makes you more attractive and interesting to him). So, make time to hang with your friends, to practice some sport, to have some hobby, keep self-improving yourselft.

5. Leave that bad relationship experiences where they belong (in the past)

Everyone has baggage and that's OK (that's how you gain experience and learn from your mistakes), but you don't need to lug all of it around, lighten the load. You can start all over again, that's the beauty of life. Let go of all the hurt that might be lingering, you have a new opportunity, so grab it!

6. Learn to trust yourself

When you decide to trust yourself feeling secure is almost a guarantee. It's important to be able to trust him to feel secure in your relationship but it's equally important to trust yourself. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does you're going to be fine. Trust yourself to make sure that your needs will be met and trust yourself to know that if the relationship doesn't work you're going to be fine.

7. Don't let the paranoia set in

Stop seeing things that are not there. Don't let the paranoia set in. You need to trust him and stop snooping around his social media or his phone or his email. That could calm you down for a bit, but it also feeds your paranoia. Resist the temptation and busy yourself with more productive things to do.

8. Don't put off uncomfortable conversations

Avoiding conflict is a cause of insecurity, so to overcome it you need to address conflict and face your problems as a couple. That will help you and your relationship, you'll grow and, as a couple, you'll grow closer and you'll trust each other to talk about everything without mincing words.

Best Quotes When You're Feeling Insecure

Need some inspiration when insecurity hits you? Here are some quotes that can help you boost your confidence when you're feeling insecure.

"The only person that can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore." -C. Joybell.C

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been open for us."-Helen Keller

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." -Steve Furtick


Overcoming insecurity is not impossible if you know the causes and are willing to work on it. Don't let fear destroy something good, fight it with positivity. Remember that the mind is powerful but you can control it. A lot of our confidence comes from within, so don't let insecurity chip it away. If you don't think you can overcome it alone, seek help. 

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