My Husband Doesn’t Want To Sleep With Me - Is It Normal?

It may not be your fault, but you can still do something.

By Sophia R
My Husband Doesn’t Want To Sleep With Me - Is It Normal?

Do Most Cultures Expect Spouses To Sleep In Bed Together?

Sleeping and waking up together is one of the most intimate human actions. Although it is very common in Western societies for couples to spend their nights in the same bed, this was not always the case.

In television programs of yesteryear, you could see how the main couples were presented sleeping in separate beds, a trend that was largely due to the television standards of those days, which avoided making innuendo or allusion to sex.

Although the provision of sleeping in separate beds displayed in these mid-20th century shows was intended to promote modesty, twin beds were not always connected with suggestive connotations, and although we now consider this trend to be out of date, there were once sleeping in separate beds was the symbol of a forward-thinking couple.

Sleeping with a partner still has underestimated implications for relationship quality, sleep quality, and physical and psychological health. At the time, experts made recommendations for sleep hygiene, pointing out that sleeping in separate beds was a way to avoid illness. As a consequence of the great plagues and epidemics that hit Europe, hygiene became a major concern for the people of the 19th century, first in terms of public health and later in individual households.

The idea in public health at that time was the "miasma" theory, which stated that diseases such as cholera, typhus, and scarlet fever were caused by a polluted air mass from the decomposition of organic matter, called miasma. The dirty vapors from the bodies were also believed to create miasmas, known as "night air."Health experts at the time believed that the key to fighting the disease was removing dirt from homes and improving sanitation practices. Although sharing a bed with a family member, a spouse or even a visiting friend was a long-standing custom in Europe, the growing concern for hygiene transformed the norm.

Under this vision, the idea was promoted that twin beds, with a channel of pure air between the co-sleepers, protected people from the toxic “night air” produced by their partners. At the time it was recommended that sleeping in separate beds was a way to avoid illness.
Some experts at the time saw domestic hygiene as a sign of modernity. This was the first sign that twin beds were seen as modern and represented a vision of the future. By the 1920s, sleeping in separate beds had become the trendy and modern option for middle-class couples. Twin beds were often simple and clean in design, which was seen as a rejection of the “old-fashioned” Victorian styles and their heavy, ornate double beds.

Over time, this readiness to sleep also signified a couple's progressive style, balancing their need to be together at night with an ongoing commitment to separateness and individual autonomy.

Ideas about couples and marriage changed after World War II, as did society's feelings about their sleeping arrangements. Sleeping in separate beds began to be seen as a sign of a distant or failed marriage in the 1950s, as they literally prevented a couple from physically connecting, and eventually, this separate sleeping arrangement went out of style.

Today millions of adults around the world share their beds with a partner. This can be an expression of intimacy and attachment that tends to intensify romantic relationships. 

Why Is It Important/Healthy For Couples To Sleep Together?

Of course, there are many couples, especially couples who have been together for a short time, who do not conceive of sleeping each on their own. This, in most cases, is understood as a loss in intimate relationships. But, on the one hand, the most intimate relationships do not have to be lost just because they each sleep in one place. On the other hand; Limiting eroticism exclusively to bed is not too good for the sexual life of the couple. Be that as it may, and as I said before, everything has its pros and cons. So, let's see what are the advantages of sleeping with your partner and what are the disadvantages.

To begin with, and the most important thing almost, is that not in all houses there is space for each member of the couple to have their room separately. In addition to this, there are couples who between home, work, children, and other obligations, the only time they have to talk and also for intimate moments, is when they go to bed. Therefore: they need that space to be with each other.

According to some studies, sleeping with your partner if the relationship is good, reduces cortisol levels, and increases the release of oxytocin; which is the hormone that makes us feel well-being. According to this, sleeping in separate rooms would not be such a good idea.

Why Might My Husband Not Want To Sleep In Bed With Me?

One of the main reasons why it may be difficult for him to sleep with you is that you go to bed at different times, for example, it may be that he goes to bed 1 or more hours before you, that he is beginning to enter into a deeper sleep when he hears you enter the room, open the drawers, get into bed, etc. 

It may be that you are one of the people who tend to do a lot of movements and changes of posture positions even while asleep, which can be quite uncomfortable for him. 

There are couples who tend to talk about things that have not seemed right to them throughout the day or week when they go to sleep. Doing this causes fights and arguments to appear, which is quite counterproductive when you want to sleep well. People who do this fall asleep quite exalted by the anger they have had, which causes bodily activation, making it quite difficult to fall asleep.

This problem may be due to the fact that the bed you are sleeping in is simply too narrow for both of you and does not allow you to sleep more comfortably. Surely, one constantly invades the space of the other, which impedes the comfort of both.

When you constantly have problems with your partner, because there are many disagreements, betrayals, lies, arguments, etc., this causes a feeling of general discomfort with that person, apart from the stress and anxiety that the simple fact of having them generates. . Feeling anxious, stressed and uncomfortable with your partner contributes a lot to sleep problems.

What Could Be The Effects Of This In Our Marriage/Relationship?

It is important to remember that everyone has different degrees of attachment and the ideal way to sleep can vary greatly from one couple to another. For example, if one of the members of the couple snores or if each has different ways of sleeping, "sharing the bed can cause feelings of frustration and resentment," he adds. Sleeping in separate beds is a practical decision that is made with the aim that both members of the couple get a good night's sleep.

Sleep affects mood: when someone is not getting enough sleep, they are moody, more impatient, and have a harder time moderating their emotions. Getting enough good sleep can lead to a better mood and more positive interactions with your partner. People are used to having their own space and may not want to give it up because they started a romantic relationship.

However, sleeping in the same bed can also have many benefits:

On the one hand, if you sleep in separate rooms, you miss out on spontaneous nighttime sex. As gifted as the partners may be, their sexual organs are not large enough to reach another room. 

But the benefits go beyond sex. The mere act of expressing affection helps the brain to generate oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress. Sleeping in the same bed encourages conversation first thing in the morning - a good time to connect as a couple - and makes it more difficult to go to bed angry over sharing physical space.

After having answered your question: "Why is he having trouble sleeping with me?" we are going to give you some tips that can be of great help on what to do in this case:

1. Avoid arguing with your partner in bed

This aspect is very important if you want to have a peaceful and restful sleep, it is like a kind of rule that both of you must be clear about. If there are important things that we have to talk about with our partner and that we believe can generate some kind of conflict, it is essential that you choose a time of day that is not in the morning or at night. 

2. Try to reconcile your schedules and night routines

This should be treated as much as possible since although we know that this can sometimes be a very difficult task, with a little effort it can be improved. For example, if your partner is used to listening to television or the radio before going to sleep, they might choose to do it with headphones on, go to another room, and then just go back to sleep, etc. The point is to try to interfere as little as possible in the other's sleep.

3. Meditate together

Meditation is an excellent tool that can help you with your sleep problems. The fact that you begin to meditate next to your partner will not only favor that both of you can sleep better, but it will also make your bond stronger and, therefore, the union, love, and trust between both of you. This does not happen only with meditation, but also with any other activity that you do together.

Related Article: A Guy Avoiding to Sleep with You as He is Traditional?
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All is not over when your husband doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you. As you may have learned today, there are a lot of reasons why this might be and we gave you some ways you can fix and work with this. Analyze your situation and put those tips into action in order to solve this issue. But don't worry, it is alright, even normal, and it can be worked on.


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