Is He The One?: Questions To Ask Before You Marry
Sometimes, we get caught up in feelings that we miss the red flags.
Nov 26, 2020
For starters, let's get this over with and laid out on the table to avoid misunderstandings or disappointments: there is no such thing as the perfect man or "The One." On the bright side, there are hundreds and thousands out there that you are compatible with – doesn't that make things so much better?
Of course, when you're with someone already that makes you truly happy, you will find yourself asking the question, "Is he the one… I'm supposed to marry?" This question is legitimate, unless, of course, polygamy is more your approach and is legal. We will focus on monogamous relationships for this write-up.
Fret not, because it is absolutely normal and understandable to have doubts or questions before saying "Yes" and "I do," regardless of how happy the relationship is. If you require some confirmation if he is "The One," do read on.
What Do People Commonly Say How They Know They're With "The One"?
Creating a checklist to find out if you're with "the one" would be a really long endeavor and close to impossible as we have varying standards and requisites to settling down. However, there are a few universal considerations that many can relate to, such as the issue of trust, flaws, red flags, and future orientation and alignment.
People who have been in multiple relationships can often tell when they're with someone in the long run. You can also be in your first relationship and already feel the same way. The aspects mentioned earlier are some of the pillars to knowing you're with "the one."
You can say he feels at "home." You trust him entirely and keep close to zero secrets from him. You can be vulnerable and yourself with him without feeling awkward or that he's judging you.
Furthermore, your values and future plans align. You talk about the future, career-wise, family-wise, and everything in between, and it just matches in incomprehensible ways. One doesn't see themselves traveling the world while the other wishes to settle down in a particular place.
The guy also doesn't set off your red flags, and you can tolerate his flaws. This is very important as you begin living together and spending more time under the same roof. Incompatibility in this area can create many tensions. Speaking of tensions, being able to argue and fight well is another telling sign of compatibility.
How serious is the topic of getting married?
The answer to this question is highly subjective. Marriage may be an obsolete idea for some, while it is an essential step to living a fulfilled and prosperous life for others. It all depends on beliefs, values, and perspectives. Some people get married to have kids, while others don't need it to start a family.
In the United States, only about half of Americans over 18 are married, a 72 percent decrease from the 1960s, according to a 2019 The Atlantic report. The demographics show people are choosing to get married at an older age – the median age being 30 for men and 28 for women in 2018.
Therefore, marriage is really dependent on one's plans, goals, preferences, and more. After all, the notion that marriage is for acquiring that innate human desire to connect with others in a permanent setting has been debunked.
Just with technology, people can remain connected, unlike before, where it was much harder. Married couples of the past were seen as having their own bubble separate from the outside world. Today, the same bubbles are more interconnected.
What are some of the things we need to remember when reflecting if our current partner is "the one"?
When you're near making the step of tagging your current partner as "the one" you want to spend the rest of your life with, take account of the relationship's foundation. While we're all for whirlwind romances and love at first sight encounters, having a deeply-founded relationship ensures stability in the long run.
Imagine a deep foundation already set in your relationship that you can build a stable home on – that's what marriage is like. The foundation is built through time spent getting to know one another and growing together.
Another thing to remember is that there is no perfectly compatible relationship. You might feel like there are moments when you two just don't fit and wonder how things could work out in the future. However, this is normal, and how you go about addressing those clashes can help you decide if you wish to pursue the future together or not.
You can even make a "pros and cons" list if needed, but don't show it to anyone and make the same mistake as Ross in Friends.
Is He The One?: Questions To Ask Before You Marry
Here's a checklist to go through to ask yourself to get a "yay or nay" on marrying your current partner.
Is there respect?
This is one of the most crucial building blocks of any relationship. Respect is shown in numerous ways, such as values, beliefs, religion, political stances, lifestyle choices, and decisions. A relationship that has long-term potential is one where decisions are accepted and respected.
You don't need to debate or explain your choices or preferences with your partner because they respect you enough to understand and accept them. Acceptance is the crucial part that you need to watch out for.
Is there a connection?
Whether it's a connection through conversation or connection in bed – you just feel like you know your partner inside out. It's there. It's undeniable. And it goes beyond the feeling of butterflies in your stomach. The connection is more stable, dependable, and founded. You just get one another, and the relationship feels like home.
The connection also entails communication. Because why be with someone you can't hold long, meaningful conversations with? He will be the person you come home to, and if you can't rant about your day or speak out your thoughts without the other person getting irritated, then you might need to reconsider some things.
Is there alignment?
We've touched on this earlier, but alignment is genuinely a crucial consideration for marriage. You might not perfectly fit at all times, but your future outlooks, goals, dreams, ambitions, although subjective and different from one another, somehow are aligned.
Are arguments settled well?
Have you and your partner ever had a significant disagreement? The answer should be yes, as this is an ingredient to a healthy relationship. How was the fight resolved? Being able to fight and argue well is key to a functioning marriage.
Do effort and care come naturally?
There's no other way to describe this, but you love to extend care and effort to your partner. Whether it's through cooking his favorite meals even though you're tired, keeping your place clean, or surprising him with mini dates – you just love spoiling your man.
Do You Make Each Other Better?
If you and your partner have become better versions of yourselves throughout the relationship thus far, then you can expect the same when you're married. You support one another on their goals and ambitions, and you push each other to achieve them.
Are both families on the same page?
This might not matter to others, but having his and your family on good terms with the relationship would relieve so much tension and stress for you both in the long run.
How Do You Know He's Not The One?
To know if he's not the one is to have that gut-feel or inkling that he isn't. It's as simple as that. When your subconscious has already given you that signal, it's best to take heed. Other than that, he has set off your buttons or red flags, and these are different for each person.
Other signs are: your loved ones don't like him, you've doubted him time and time again, you're caught with the thought that it might be better to be single, and the relationship feels one-sided. You have further conformation if others have brought these issues up with you, which means it's not just you overthinking things.
If you find yourself changing with him and becoming less of you are, then that isn't right, isn't it? What's more, when your loved ones bring that to your attention, you end up making excuses for him. Toxic.
Before getting into marriage, you should ensure that you know your partner well. In order to do that, here are 30 questions you need to ask.
Conclusion
There you have it, a few simple ways to decipher if marriage is in the corner for you and your partner. After all, marriage is still a beautiful and satisfying stage in any couple's lives worth fighting for. Just make sure you have yourself the ingredients for a successful and fully-functional marriage recipe.