No Kids: Decision-making When Your Husband Doesn't Want Kids

Having a child with your spouse may seem like the missing puzzle piece to a family's happily ever after, but reality does not work like such in many cases. Why else do couples end up fighting more, or worse, splitting up after the new arrival? With that in mind, let's jump into the big question of "to have a baby or not to have a baby?" And what to do if you both are on different pages on the matter.

Your husband can have many reasons not to want kids, and they could seem so trivial and surreal to you but legitimate to him. Personal contact in the same situation shared a few reasons why her husband didn't want kids. Here's the list (in no particular order): noisy, expensive, cry all the time, stressful, requires too much care and attention, grows up and could become terrible individuals, a nightmare (exact words), and could end up like him.

Now, said husband is not a bad person at all. But he is afraid that having a child with his wife would amplify his bad habits in the kid. Meanwhile, the wife knows she would be a great parent, even her husband. She believes they would kill the parenting thing. But, they're stuck in limbo when it comes to this topic.

Other reasons men have shared for not wanting kids to include having distant fathers, hence the pressure to be the perfect one, wanting to be different from the norm, where all their friends were settling down, and starting families or observing bad experiences from friends who are fathers. 

A husband could also feel like the world would be too much for the child and that they would not be the best parents to raise a child and equip him or her to take on life. In short, there are many justifications an individual might have for not wanting kids.

The bottom line is, there isn't much that you can do if you discover that your partner does not want kids. That is his resolution, and these things are pretty concrete or final for them. Here are a few ways to approach the issue.

If needed, you might have to keep reminding yourself of his reasons and resolution for not wanting kids. Your marriage is all about meeting halfway, and there would be compromises or sacrifices to be made. Take a moment and look at things from his point of view.

For example, you two might really not be ready to have children, whether financially, mentally, and so on. You considering kids at that moment would only scare or cause anxiety on your husband. It's like being on entirely different pages.

Your husband might be building his career and knows that starting a family would cause some delays. What if he doesn't have the luxury to do so at the moment? Those are a few examples of the hard questions you would need to look at when understanding his side.

Next would be to communicate. This topic is not something that can be covered in one sitting and might take months to process. Furthermore, there's a risk that one or the other could get frustrated or annoyed by all the processing, so it's better to take it slow and at a time when everyone is in a good mood.

Questions like, "Will you ever change your mind?" or "What if we put a timeline?" or "Is it because your father was absent growing up that's why you think like this?" are a few examples of the tough topics to cover. There would be a lot of digging, and you both will find new angles, ideas, root causes, and more along the way (hence it can't be done in one sitting).

It's important to remember that this is not a fight, argument, or bad issue. You can sleep on it and rehash it after some time has passed. It's not a forgive and forget sort of situation. It really is an important milestone that you and your partner are going to go through, with or without a child in tow.

You can also take a step back and ask yourself why you want to have kids in the first place. Just like your husband may have many reasons why he doesn't want children, you also have your reasons for wanting little ones. Has it been a dream of yours ever since you can remember, or perhaps it was brought about by influence?

Some women consider having kids as their life calling and feel incomplete if they do not become mothers. Meanwhile, others feel pressured to have kids because they keep hearing it from parents or friends, and the expectation from others has transformed into a want or a need for the woman.

None of these scenarios are wrong, but you would need to gauge the root causes of your wants. Just like you ask your husband to dig into his reasons for not wanting children, you would also need to do some searching for the opposite. When you have a sense of the way the next question would be, "Is it okay to sacrifice that want?"

You will need to look within yourself if you are going to be okay giving up this want. It all boils down to happiness. After all, that is the goal humans strive for in life. Will you be happy in the long run if you don't have kids? Can you imagine you and your partner growing old, just the two of you?

If the thought brings fear and anxiety, it will take some more intervention and communication to ensure that you are fulfilled in life, regardless. Remember that it is okay not to want kids, especially if such want is based on pressure or expectations from others, as mentioned earlier. Society does not have the right to impose such familial setups on anyone.

Now, if you could find a glimmer of hope on your husband's resolution, like a tiny hole on the dam, then, by all means, don't give up! As long as there is room, you two can establish a sort of compromise. If the resolution to not have kids is set in stone; however, you can also turn this to your advantage to make sure you aren't disregarded. Let's cover the two scenarios, shall we?

For those who can see their husband's giving in in the future, or they themselves said so that you two "aren't ready yet," then grab onto that "yet" and hold him accountable to it. You two might not be financially stable, are transitioning to new careers, just moved countries, and so on; hence, the thinking of your husband that the timing couldn't be worse to have children.

Here, you can establish with him that when things are more set, like a certain amount in your savings, when one gets the promotion or residency, or have purchased a house, then you can have a kid. This makes things exciting, in a way, because you have something to motivate you, much like a goal.

If the answer is "no," please try not to dwell on the present and focus on your contentment and satisfaction. Getting bummed down by the future of not having kids could cause too much tension in the relationship. You can ask your husband for an alternative, maybe a dog? Perhaps start a hobby? Basically, you can ask for something in return to fill in that gap as you heal.

It's important to remember that things can change at any moment, whether you're working towards a goal or focusing on yourself to make sure you are content in life. Who knows, you or your husband could change your minds out of the blue!

Don't let that energy go to waste. If the answer is a solid no, then take baby steps to become okay. Travel, learn a new skill, set your eyes on another goal, go on a shopping spree, you name it. It was mentioned earlier that you could treat this like a gap that needs closing or mending.

Take your time to really heal. It's perfectly fine to be a little selfish and think about yourself for now because you did give up something big.

Ladies, when it comes to having kids, there is no right or wrong answer, there is no standard to meet, and there is certainly no one who could impose such things on you. With that said, you deserve to live the best life you dream of with or without kids. All it takes is some sitting down, hard thinking, digging, and a little tweaking. Chances are, you and your partner will find a solution that fits your relationship.