Dealing with Emotions: When Spouse Says Hurtful Things

Finding ways to react when your spouse says offensive things

By Fred S.
Dealing with Emotions: When Spouse Says Hurtful Things

Is Anger A Sign Of Love?

Whenever your spouse hurls insults or unkind words, they’re obviously angry. Anger itself is a sign of love, though, as weird as that sounds.

Anger that ends up hurting your feelings is never justified. However, we only get angry when something that we truly care about goes wrong. It’s impossible to be affected or feel anger by something without having intense love and care for it. Understanding this can change your perspective about your relationship with your and your spouse’s anger.

How To Keep Calm During A Partner’s Outburst?

No matter how unfair a situation may be, or how ‘right’ you are, at least one person in the couple has to be mature and calm in a fight. Even if you realize you’ve done nothing wrong and don’t deserve your partner’s outburst, acknowledge it and act calmly at the moment to cool things down. Once your partner comes back to their sense, where they can hear and understand what you’re saying, make them realize how stupid and unfair they’ve been.

Put your facts forward and tell them how it’s unacceptable for them to behave this way again. An angry person can’t weigh out consequences or make decisions between right and wrong. So, instead of matching his aggressive tone when he’s angry, do your best to calm the situation down asap to communicate your frustration.

Things a Spouse Should Never Do in a Marriage

Regardless of how serious a situation is, some things are totally out of line for any marriage. You should never do any of these five things, as they can leave long-term, potentially irreversible scars on your bond;

1. Don’t get personal

You’re the other half of your spouse, and you’re the only person they’ve shared all their insecurities and weaknesses with. Never, ever, use their insecurities against them in an argument, no matter how pissed you are. If they’ve told you they’re self-conscious about stuff like their weight, nose, forehead, acne, or absolutely anything, don’t ever think about using these to score points in an argument. You’ll betray their trust, and it’s hard to forget that. 

2. Don’t fight in front of the kids

You and your partner could be bad at remaining civil with each other during arguments or discussions, but don’t let the kids suffer from it. Take these conversations to your bedroom or someplace where your kids can’t hear any of it.

3. Don’t cheat

Just don’t – like, come on. It’s almost impossible for any person to forgive you for doing that, and even if they do, they’ll never forget it. Trust issues will be constant throughout your married life, and one night of ‘fun’ isn’t worth betraying someone’s sacred trust in your loyalty.   

4. Don’t target each other’s parenting skills

Nobody’s perfect at being a parent. People, especially mothers, can be super sensitive about how dutiful or effective they are as parents. Don’t ever target their parenting skills to demean them during an argument.

5. Don’t get upset by them wanting ‘me time.’

Everybody needs space, some more than others. If your partner is a ‘me time’ type of person, let them have some. Being clingy is cute, but not all the time, and not for everyone.

Reasons Why a Spouse Could Resent Their Partner

Continuously spewing hateful remarks about one’s partner can be a sign of them developing resentment towards them. Here are a few possible reasons that might happen;

1. The wife gives too much attention and time to the kids

Before the baby arrives, the two lovers have fun and go out whenever they want. After a new family member comes through, the mother is emotionally connected, attached, and invested in the baby most of the time. This can easily blind her towards the husband’s needs, often losing that connection they once had together.

2. Not enough lovemaking

Sex is meant to occur quite frequently in any marriage. In many cases, husbands may need it more often than the wives, as men, in general, are more sexual as compared to the opposite sex. When they keep getting denied sex again and again, due to whatever reason, they’ll naturally feel horrible. If the couple is in a weird, salty state without much sweet talk shared between them, it’s also hard for the husband to initiate sex. Understandably, this gives rise to a lot of frustration.

3. One partner is on the phone too much

A few decades ago, phones didn’t play any part in ruining relationships. Now, the dynamics of any relationship can easily be affected by how much attention one of the partners gives to their phone. You could be texting your friends back while your husband/wife isn’t having a great day, and they can easily feel ignored. Set time aside to always check up on each other throughout the day!

4. Failing to appreciate them.

Sometimes, all it takes is a kind word of appreciation to keep your partner motivated to invest effort into the relationship. Encourage each other and acknowledge it well when either one of you is being extra helpful.

What To Do When Your Partner Hurts Your Feelings?

You usually have two obvious choices when your partner says something hurtful to you. You could choose to ignore or address it. There’s no right answer, as it’s all situational and can depend on countless variables. One thing is certain, though; you’ll need to be mature enough to deal with it well. Here’s a healthy way you could follow to resolve issues;

Step 1: Hold your reaction for now

In your response, you’re most likely to reply with hurtful words of similar intensity if you’re overwhelmed with emotions. Even if you remain sensible and try to communicate your feelings at this point, your partner is probably too angry to comprehend it. It’s difficult to be patient in such times, but it’s possibly the best thing you could do, and hold your response for now. Let their steam off, and talk openly with them later on.

Step 2. Find out why they’re bursting out

If their upsetting words become a recurring theme in your marriage, it’s best to look for triggers. He could be blaming you inherently for something he doesn’t necessarily want to discuss directly. Perhaps he feels that you’re too careless with money? What if he has issues with his boss at work? Find the common factor between his fits of anger, and try to find a connection between the things he’s mad at you for. What makes him say hurtful things to you? If you realize a mistake you’ve been making, try to mend it and see if it makes a difference.

Step 3. Don’t ignore your emotions or thoughts

Just because you choose to be more mature in such situations doesn’t mean you’re a human punching bag. You’ll feel confused when your partner persistently acts this way, and you should not just slide their behavior under the rug. Validate your feelings in response to their upsetting statements, and accept that they hurt you. Your feelings are just as important as your partner’s, and you should communicate your thoughts in a heart-to-heart convo with them later on.

How To Forgive Your Spouse?

Anger makes us say things we don’t mean, and it happens all the time. Words can cut deep, but it helps to remember that your partner probably didn’t mean them. Please don’t get too literal in the comprehension of their words in your mind repeatedly. Sometimes, it’s not you but your partner’s frustration at a given situation that makes them burst out. It doesn’t justify any of it, of course, but try to be more empathetic instead of being too offended. The right response cannot be generalized, though, as it largely depends on different scenarios.  

Marriages are formed over eternal partnership vows, and they can’t end over a few negative words gushed out in anger. Unless your partner is abusive and consistently puts you down and controls you, an upsetting argument shouldn’t spark an extreme reaction from your side. You’ll most likely have to find it in your heart to forgive them, but whenever they calm down, fully communicate your thoughts on the matter. Make your partner realize that they’ve hurt you, and you don’t expect this to happen again.

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Summary

In every married relationship, there are always ups and downs. The highlights of this eternal golden bond include a loving partnership, experiencing happiness together, and sharing moments of blissful parenting. However, the lows can get just as ugly, and partners can stoop low enough to say genuinely hurtful remarks about each other. In this article, we’ve discussed how to cope with that.

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