Life after divorce for men: Is it really Happily Ever After

When you are in love and planning your wedding, the last thing on your mind is divorce.  No one gets married with the idea of getting divorced if it doesn't work out.  Sure, we all know that is a possibility, but you and your honey are head over heels in love and you just know that you will not become a divorce statistic.

But do you know the rate of divorce in the U.S.? It is nearly 50%! Yes, and that number is pretty staggering.  However, if you are aware of the top three reasons for divorce, you might be able to avoid those pitfalls and have a successful marriage.

According to Divorcestatistics.info, these are the top three reasons for divorce in the United States:

Lack of communication is the number one cause of divorce, but that statement is a little vague so let me break it down for you.  When you have a disagreement, you need to talk.  It doesn't mean that it is time to storm off and cease interaction.  Sure, there may be times that your spouse is the last person in the world you want to speak to, but guess what? You won't be able to get through the issue unless you communicate.

Yelling at each other is not communicating. Yeah, there will be days that you are mad at your partner, but yelling is not going to get your point across. Yelling makes it difficult to listen to the other person.  If your disagreement turns to yelling, you both need a 10 minute cool down period to pull it together and calm down.  Then you can come back to the table and start communicating to resove your problem.

Ignoring each other is not communication.  It is really easy these days to give your partner the silent treatment because of the plethora of social media devices.  Ignoring your spouse because you are fighting is not helpful.  In fact, it usually makes the situation worse.

Everyone wants the opportunity to present their side of the story.  Be respectful of each other and let your partner have their say.  You can rebut anything they say, but you do have to give them the floor to say their piece.  Maybe something they say will make you see their perspective a tiny bit.    

The key takeaway is that if you are talking to your friends about the problems you are having with your spouse, you are talking to the wrong person.  Don't get me wrong, we all need friends to vent to and hopefully they will be on your side.  However, if you are never having these conversations with your spouse, then you will continue to have problems.

Money is important because you need it to buy stuff and live, right?  You and your partner need to be on the same page when it comes to finances or it will lead to disagreements.  This seems to be especially true when one spouse makes significantly more money than the other one.  That doesn't necessarily mean the relationship won't work, but you two will need to talk about it to come to some understanding.  See, communication is needed when it comes to finance as well!

Make a budget you can both agree on.  There can be arguments when both partners don't agree on how and where money should be spent.  Regardless of how much both sposes earn, you each have to have an equal say in where the moeny goes.  This is a partnership, after all, and to make it work, you will need to be flexible.

Budgeting comes in handy so that there are no arguments.  If you made an agreement on how much can be spent on entertainment and rent and eating out, it should cut back on bickering.

Save for a rainy day.  This sounds too easy, but saving money is important.  Even if both partners are working, in an unstable economy, jobs can disappear faster than ever.  You will want to have at least three months of expenses saved in the bank for your emergency fun.  This is money that cannot be spent unless there is an emergency.  Again, make sure you both understand the importance of the emergency fund and it should save you from any fighting later on.

Emotional infidelity is still infidelity.  When you are emotionally invested in someone other than your spouse, you are hurting your marriage.  Just because there is no sex between you, it is still considered cheating.  If you are spending hours writing the perfect text or getting all dolled up for someone other than your spouse, you are cheating your partner out of the time and energy you are putting into this other person.

Infidelity doesn't just happen.  You have to take some moves to cheat on your spouse.  The question is, why are you cheating?  If your relationship with your spouse is lacking, talk to your partner to try to make things better.  No one can fix something if they do not know it is broken.

After a divorce, men fall into two camps: those who date right away and those who do not. Some men jump into a new relationship.  They seem to get right back into the dating scene and do not skip a beat, which is unsettling to their newly divorced spouse. They are eager to have a partner.  These men want love in their lives.  They do not want to live alone, which is odd if they are the partner who initiated the divorce.
 

The men who don't date right after divorce may need time to adjust to their newly acquired status of divorced, and there is nothing wrong with that tactic at all.  There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to divorce.  Taking the time to assess your emotional health is important and may make you a better partner when the next relationship comes along.

Men do need to get comfortable with living alone after their finalized divorce.  For some guys, it is a bit of a shock, especially if they were not the one who wanted the divorce.  Men will have to do the tasks that their former wives had previously done for them, and they may not be totally prepared.  It all depends upon how long they lived alone before they were married and how long they were married.

Men who hadn't been married too long will probably have no trouble adjusting to living alone.  They are used to doing laundry, food shopping and cleaning up after themselves.  However, men who went right from mama's house to marriage may have more trouble navigating living alone. 

A Brigham Young University study on loneliness suggests that a lack of social relationships leads to poor health that is twice as harmful as obesity and is the equivalent of being an alcoholic.  You should maintain your friendships with your pals during this transition. Just know that it may take some time, but you will adjust to your new life.

According to a report by CBS News, the suicide rate among divorced men is higher than the rate among divorced women. Divorced men are twice as likely to commit suicide than divorced women.  These rates are astounding and it speaks to the fact that women have a better support system than men.  Women have friends that they can talk to about their divorce, but men often do not have same.  Don't forget, the friendships that were formed during the course of the marriage usually disappear after the divorce because friends choose sides.

The way to move on is to first give yourself some time to grieve the severed relationship.  All death requires mourning and divorce is really the death of a marriage.  Read some self help books.  Attend a meeting for newly divorced people.  Make plans with friends on the weekends or even during the week some nights so you aren't home by yuorself ruminating on what happened.

Your life changed, but you can move on.  Go to your local coffee shop and just sit there sipping your coffee so that you have a place to hang out.  If you find that you cannot move on, seek professional counseling.  A therapist can help you to make sense of your life and may really push you to take some responsibility for your life.

If you have kids, you do not stop being a dad just because you and their mom have divorced.  No matter what, you are still your child's daddy, and you need to be a part of their lives.  Your divorce will include the terms of how frequently you get to see your kids, but no matter how heartbroken you may be about the divorce, you need to make time for the children.

Sure, your life has changed, but your kids' lives have changed too.  You need to remain a constant so that they can see you are still a part of the family.  Divorce doesn't change the fact that you are one of their parents.  You and your ex will need to learn how to co-parent.  

Remember, when you are spending time with your kids, make it about the kids.  Don't spend any time complaining about your ex or trashing them to your kids.  Your ex is still their mom, so you have to be careful what you say in front of them.  If you put the whole focus on your kids, there won't be any time for trash talking and your relationship with your kids will just keep getting better.  It will be a safe space for them, and at the end of the day, isn't that what you want?

There can be a happily ever after for men after divorce, but it isn't automatic.  The reality is you will have to work at being happy.  This might require the help of counseling or if you have a great support network they may be able to help you traverse your new divorced status.  Allow yourself time to grieve the ended relationship with your wife and then get back out there and start dating again.  You deserve to be happy.