The Dos And Don'ts On Improving Intimacy In Marriage

The things to do and not to do to improve marriage intimacy

By Sylvia Epie
The Dos And Don'ts On Improving Intimacy In Marriage

The Dos And Don'ts On Improving Intimacy In Marriage

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Intimacy is one of the contributing factors of a healthy and successful marriage, although intimacy is often associated with sex, it is so much more than the physical that everyone thinks of. Intimacy encompasses the emotional, intellectual, recreational, financial, physical and spiritual bond between two people. 

The many demands of life can interfere with the development of this bond, leading to discord, anger, and resentment in a relationship. If you feel you’ve lost the spark in your marriage or you feel the need to get closer to your partner, here are things to do and not to do in order to increase emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy in marriage.

Do: Make Time to Talk

You may be thinking ‘’oh but we talk all the time’’ but do you really? One of the first casualties of marriage especially when kids are added to the equation is communication. Most couples talk about their kids, daily routine, chores and everything around the smooth running of the family and home but you do not spend time talking to each other like you did when you first started dating.

Remember how you had heart to heart talks back then? That’s what we mean. Set aside time to talk, spend at least an hour a week talking about your fantasies, hobbies, thoughts, dreams and other topics of interest and watch how your emotional and physical intimacy grows.

Do: Find the underlying issue


The loss of intimacy in marriage is never as straightforward as it may seem. Sometimes it’s as a result of an underlying issue your and your spouse are not even aware of. Everyone is carrying some kind of emotional baggage from their past. For example, if your spouse grew up in an environment where affection was not expressed, they may feel uncomfortable doing so in marriage.

This does not mean they do not love you, it’s just a matter of understanding. Discuss the possibility of any underlying issues with your spouse to make sure that is not having an impact on your relationship or playing a role in your lack of intimacy.

Do: Schedule quality intimate time together

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One of the main reasons for a decrease in sexual intimacy in marriage is lack of time. Sex is a crucial part of marriage and its absence will have a negative impact on your marriage. To bond better with your spouse make sure you schedule a time for sex. As unromantic as this may sound it ensures that you spend quality and intimate time with your spouse.

We may want to believe those sex sessions should be a spontaneous and impulsive act dictated solely by passion, but is not always the case, especially when you add all other aspects of everyday life into the mix. Scheduling guarantees that you don’t forget to get your freak on with your partner every week or however often you prefer.

For example, you could take dancing lessons together. Dancing is incredibly intimate, especially styles that require you to be physically close to your partner. Tango may be a great way to feel your partner’s body close to yours in a different way that will spice up your marriage.

Don’t: Try to force your expectations


Forcing your personal expectations on another person is never a bright idea, always try to find common ground with your partner, make sure you’re both comfortable doing what you’re doing. Intimacy between two people even in marriage is a complex issue, never assume you know what your partner thinks or feels about an act. Talk about it first and come to an agreement that suits you both.

The moment one partner tries to impose their will on the other partner, strife begins. When you’re engaging in any physically intimate activity, try to be aware of your partners is reactions; they may not verbally proclaim displeasure but their body language will always indicate if they feel comfortable or not.

Don’t: Find Fault

Woman And Man Sitting on Brown Wooden Bench

As humans, we always want to assign blame when things are not moving according to plan. We wonder what went wrong and whose fault is it? The answer is: It doesn’t matter. The reality is it takes two to tangle and sometimes life just gets in the way and it’s no one’s fault. Bonding and sex just stopped being what it used to be, probably because of kids, work, age, stress, money and every other priority that has become a turn-off.

That’s life, you juggle so many important things that intimacy begins to feel like a waste of time or something at the bottom of the list of your priorities The only healthy way to get around such a situation is to look past sharing the blame and focusing on building and improving intimacy.

Restoring And Building Marriage Intimacy After An Affair.

Aerial Photo of Man and Woman Lying on Grass Field

1. Get past the guilt, shame, and unworthiness

After an affair, the unfaithful partner often struggles with feelings of guilt and shame. And this has a way of affecting intimacy in the relationship, sometimes it may take between 3 to 6 months of no contact after the affair for a partner to fully get over the person they cheated with. Intimacy issues are never straight forward, they’re as complex as people. The betrayed spouse may also feel anger and the absence of trust and this will affect intimacy in a big way. In such situations, one or both partners are fighting an inward struggle that translates into their sex life or overall intimacy.

Related Article: 8 benefits of couple cuddling for a healthier relationship
 Often in a relationship, you'll find that one partner is more of a cuddler than the other.

2. Rehearse what originally drew you together

This is a time to get nostalgic, to remember how you were at the beginning of your relationship. Focus on the two of you, on your history, the good times and what brought you together in the first place. The things that attracted you to each other, talk about the dates you had, your experiences, some of your best memories together. These are the things that built the trust between you two at the beginning, so reviewing them will rekindle some of the old flames.

As you rehearse and redo similar trust-building experiences, you will find that there is still an overwhelming amount of history that only the two of you share. Try to relive your story with old pictures, photo albums, scrapbooks, videos and revisiting places where you made beautiful memories. Remembering fond memories, making new ones and reinvesting in your relationship will help draw you closer together.

3. Do things differently

It’s difficult to admit but most often than not when one partner cheats it’s because they have a need that was not met by their spouse. The best way to rebuild is not to make the same mistakes but rather to look at this need squarely and take positive steps toward rebuilding your world together. Try to cast off some of the old patterns the things that created a distance between you and try doing it differently. Surprise each other with little gifts or love notes. Keep in mind your partner’s love language. Be creative, and rebuild, a special world for just the two of you.

4. Focus on Lovemaking Sex 

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There are two different sexual styles; lovemaking sex, and wild adventurous erotica. Both are perfectly fine in a healthy marriage when restoring sexual intimacy after infidelity, it’s recommended to focus on lovemaking sex, while the bond of love and trust are in the process of being restored. It’s important to build trust first before indulging in anything too wild and demanding. Use lovemaking as a way to bond with your spouse and rediscover each other instead of a means of getting your freak on or an obligation you have to perform. 

Books On Marriage Intimacy

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The intricacies of intimacy between two people is a complex issue that can never be narrowed down to a single point, however, with a little bit of education, you could find fulfillment in your love and sex life. Experts who are well-versed in sex, male and female anatomy, emotions and how they all interconnect, have given us the gift of self-help books.
Here is a list of self-help books that address everything you need to know to find lifelong intimacy and connection with your partner.

1. Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

Is there something is missing in your marriage? Are you worried about drifting apart?
Do you feel the need to rekindle intimacy in your marriage?
This book will teach you the different forms of intimacy every couple needs to know so you can build that intimate connection you both desire, how to overcome emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy issues, communicate your feelings and create a safe haven so you can be vulnerable with each other without feeling judged. It features more than 52 conversation starters for deeper conversations, building trust, intellectual and emotional intimacy.

2. Intimacy Ignited

Intimacy Ignited

Intimacy Ignited by Joseph Dillow and Linda Dillow helps you discover the freedom, holiness, and beauty of intimacy and sex in marriage. It covers a verse-by-verse look at the Song of Solomon, showing couples how to fire up and maintain the flames of a passionate marriage. Portraying the importance of sex in a healthy marriage, and that there’s more to intimacy than just sex. This book teaches you all about being a servant lover. Part marriage manual, part commentary, and part Bible study, Intimacy Ignited is a great resource.

3. The 6 Hearts of Intimacy

The 6 Hearts of Intimacy

The 6 Hearts of Intimacy talks about “Love Languages” and how they affect physical and emotional intimacy in marriage. Rather than focusing on sexual techniques, like other books, it unlocks the secret to true sexual fulfillment by revealing the unique way each spouse gives and receives love. Written by marriage experts Bob and Cheryl Moeller, this book presents proven ways to enhance your relationship with your spouse. Sensitively written with practical advice and humor, it shows husbands and wives how to successfully resolve conflicts in their sexual relationship and how to care daily for their spouse’s heart of love. Discussion questions are included at the end of each chapter.

Quotes On Marriage Intimacy

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Here are a few quotes to accompany you as you journey through the process of restoring intimacy into your marriage.

1. “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.”
- Maya Angelou

2. “It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”
- Jane Austen

3. "Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they're not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or such is the pleasure they experience-they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them."
-Paulo Coelho

4. "And when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment…" 

5. “Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.”
- Bertrand Russell


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 After all, is said and done, the single most important step to begin with when handling issues of intimacy in your marriage is to talk it over with your spouse. It doesn’t matter if you’re recovering from an affair, have drifted apart due to lack of time or life just got in the way and things are no longer what they used to be.

With the right guidance, it’s still possible to rebuild intimacy by exploring all the ways out there at your disposal. Do not hesitate to give it a try, make use of our recommended tips, self-help books, and quotes to rebuild intimacy in your marriage.
Good luck!

Related Article: The Causes and Solutions for a Sexless Relationship
The Causes and Solutions for a Sexless Relationship We always know the couples that are having some regular good sex in their life are because of how they connect with one another.


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