How To Talk to My Date About... My Sexual Dysfunction

Confess and lose a potential date or to keep mum about it?

By Fred S.
How To Talk to My Date About... My Sexual Dysfunction

It is natural for lovers to experience the insatiable desire to get physically intimate with one another. Carnal needs are birthed as a result of the feelings of love that we house for our partners and they are nothing to be ashamed of.

About 40 percent of men, according to the latest statistics, might suffer from a medical condition known as erectile dysfunction (ED) that can be a huge hurdle in them being able to sustain normal romantic relationships. The stigma associated with this condition is gruesome and the realization of being unable to have sex usually can take a huge toll on the mental health of these men.

However, it is important to detach the notion of weakness commonly associated with ED. It does not in a way equal to a man being handicapped in the bedroom department. With medicinal and psychological therapy together with dependable support from their romantic partners, most of these men might be fully able to resume their sexual lives normally.

When Sexual Dysfunction is a Diagnosed Issue

Underperforming in bed happens to be a fear that most men harbor. Women have different sexual makeup from men. The former take considerably longer to get turned on and have a greater appetite for satisfaction than their male counterparts. This, combined with the mental pressure of making their female partners reach the Big O can make most men finish faster than normal. In medical terms, having a normally functioning penis but caving in faster than usual might be performance pressure. This has nothing to do with ED. With better communication with their sexual partner and relaxation techniques, these men will be able to do better than their initial attempts.

Commonly found in men in their late 30s, ED is when the penis gets limp early on during the intercourse, often without reaching the climax. Such men report no decrease in libido when they first start noticing the issue. With time, not only is the maintenance of erection a problem but getting one becomes an arduous task. Even with successful provocation, the penis shows no sign of enhanced blood flow or other similar copulatory mechanisms. Soon, these patients might notice that they have a decreasing desire to mate. Ruined relationships, feelings of inadequacy and isolation are some of the outcomes of an undiagnosed ED.

Talking to the GP or a sex therapist can help these men become familiar with the problem without the fear of being stigmatized. Usually, the underlying reason for ED might be continuous stress experienced by men owing to their jobs and the need for maintaining a quality lifestyle for their families. Since men are more likely to suppress emotions and are more prone to socio-economic pressures; their mental health may adversely affect their performance in bed.

If the issue does not resolve with non-interventional techniques, the doctor might prescribe you certain medications to give your penis the boost it needs temporarily during intercourse.  

To Hide or to Inform?

The details, outcome, statistics and treatment plans for ED sound harrowing but it is nothing to be ashamed of. The basis of any serious relationship is honesty and transparency. A bond that does not encourage you to entrust your partner with every detail of who you are is a bond that is not worth your time.

Not informing your partner about your diagnosed ED will ultimately lead to the following problems:

Increasing insecurity

Every time your partner puts on sexy lingerie for you and lights up the scented candles in your bedroom before you come home from work, they expect to satisfy you and make love to the person who means the world to them. A lack of erection, inability to have sex or refusing to get intimate with them will only make them feel as if you don’t find them sexually appealing anymore. This is especially true for marriages and long-term relationships.


Keeping your partner in the dark will eventually depress them or make them doubt you. The other thought that might pop up in their head is that you are getting sexually gratified by someone else. It is better to share with them the details of your diagnosis and saving them from undue pain.

At what stage should I inform?

The moment you sense that things in your relationship are leveling up to the stage where one of you might invite the other to their bedroom, it is crucial that you choose the right time and right place to bring up your ED before they have to find it out the wrong way.

Do not be hasty with this step. If you talk about it just when you have started seeing one another, it might send off a message that you are in it only for sex. Also, the disclosure should be undertaken once you are sure that your date can be trusted with this private detail about your sex life. Casually bringing it up will do more harm than good.

How to Inform My Date or Partner about My Sexual Dysfunction?

1. Choosing the right time

Never talk about it in the middle of a make-out session leading to sex. This will be a huge turn off for your partner and will also make them doubt you. The feeling of betrayal that they will experience would be natural.

Talk about it on a date, without being overly drunk and explain to them the things your doctor or sex therapist have informed you about the condition.

2. Avoid any blame game

Remember, ED is a condition that most men suffer from during their lives. It has nothing to do with anyone, neither you nor your partner. Avoid making up stories about it and get straight to the medical details. Also, assure them that any time they might have felt that you aren’t turned on enough, it was because of a pre-existing medical condition and not because they aren’t good in bed.

3. Share how you feel

As already mentioned, ED has been stigmatized and exaggerated. By explaining to your partner or date about what you experience and how it has been like living with ED, you will give them the insight they need about your diagnosis. This will help them navigate safely during future sexual engagements with you.

4. It is not a disease

ED is not contagious and it is not a disease per se, it is just a physical anomaly that has multiple solutions. Mostly, taking the stress out of the equation solves it for most men. For others, a plethora of curative options exists that can be used before and during sexual intercourse to make the experience as close to normal as possible.

5. Tell them how they can help

As experts say, ED is something that the couple experiences together. Letting your partner know about it will let them understand your body better. They will also be equipped with the knowledge on how to cope with it sans letting it affect their own mental health. You can tell them about any special attention or arrangements that they might need to make for you before sex to overcome the problem. If they are supportive, the treatment may work better and much of your mental strain can be unloaded.

What if He or She Leaves Me?

Sex is important. It is an expression of love that cannot be contained. If your partner deems your ED as a condition that handicaps you, then they might not have been the one for you in the first place. Love is meant to be for the ride or die. If your date or partner could not cope with the fact that you cannot have sex normally, do the following:

Let them go

Do not go after them at all. They were probably with you for sex and their emotional tolerance would have worn thin regardless of your condition. If they don’t attempt to reinstate contact with you after a few days or weeks, block them and move on with your life.

See your therapist

If you have been seeing a sex therapist, now would be a good time to narrate to them your experience of sharing about your ED. They might be able to help you understand that your condition is not a weakness, just a curable anomaly and that the stigma associated with it need not be accentuated because one person was unable to understand you. There are worthy people out there who will understand you and be with you for who you are.

Do not opt for self-contempt

As emphasized earlier, ED is not your fault and it is not a death sentence. If your partner leaves you because of it, believe in the fact that it is not on you and this does not mean you are unable to sexual relationships. With regular therapy, you can have sex normally. Do not let one break up dictate how you see yourself.

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Erectile dysfunction is more common than you think. Every man has had the misfortune of experiencing it at least once in his life. As much as it is stigmatized and thought to be a disability, it is a problem that has multiple solutions and can get better with enhanced mental health.

Be honest with your sexual partners about your condition to prevent avoidable troubles that can cost you a relationship. True lovers will never leave your side but stick with you through it till you get better. Just stop hiding and embrace it. Sex does not need to last for hours or be porn-like, it just needs to be passionate with someone who loves you like no other.


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