Your Man And His Relationship With His Mother
There's a very popular saying: "How a man treats his mother is how he will treat you.". If you search around the internet you'll find a huge variety of quotes that give the same argument, just in different words. However, it must be said that there are exceptions to the rule which we will look at later.
The "mama's boy".
In this situation, you may find that your man is just too close with his mother; a mama's boy of you will, who in often cases will be spoilt, self-entitled and will most likely stand up for his mom rather than you- even if you are right. Basically what we are looking at here is a man child. There's a thin line between a man who treats his mother wonderfully and a man child.
Regardless, any man's relationship with his mother must be closely examined before you decide to commit to anything long term.
What Qualities To Look For
Let's separate this into three categories:
1. The close mom and son relationship
This is the guy you should probably most consider concentrating on committing to. This relationship is close but does not get in the way of your relationship. If he shows his mother love, respect, and goes out of his way to help her when necessary, this is a good sign. If he has grown up with a compassionate mother who made him feel safe and loved, showed him affection and support, he is more likely to behave the same way towards others.
This goes especially with his significant other or women in general. A close bond means he has a positive view of women, as opposed to a man who grew up with a cold, unpleasant mother-son relationship. Along with providing your man with good morals and a positive way of treating others, a secure and safe childhood with stability means more stability in relationships, as well as good problem-solving skills, including communication and respect for his partner.
2. The mama's boy
While a close bond with his mother is great, there are situations that can backfire and actually cause problems with your relationship. This is where your man has been coddled, spoilt, and had his mother do everything for him throughout his life. This man has probably never had to solve his own problems, experienced much independence, and has had everything handed to him on a silver platter.
You will most likely be in a relationship with him AND his mother, but you'll also be expected to mother him and care for him as his mother did. He will be very self-entitled and expect to be 'mothered' by you rather than treating you as an equal partner. Be prepared to do it all; the cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and making important decisions while he sits back and expects it.
Worst of all, like a child, any complaining on your behalf or conflict, in general, will most likely result in sulking, moping, tantrums, and probably complaining to his mother about you. He most likely won't be the ambitious type-often quitting any job that doesn't "cater to his needs", and play video games all day while you work your butt off all day!
You'll NEVER be good enough in his darling mother's eyes (unless you are willing to completely change who you are-is he really worth it?). She'll outwardly criticize you, tell her son how he can do better than you, and he will always take his mother's side, should you and her bump heads. Sadly, it isn't his fault. It's how he was raised and if anyone is to blame, his mother is at fault.
When Your Man Tell His Mom Everything!
It's great to have a very close bond with your parents/ a parent, but some things should be kept personal. Especially, details about your own relationship with your partner or any personal problems the two of you may be having. Asking for some vague, general advice can be considered okay, especially if your partner's parents have been happily married for decades, but your own private information should never be shared.
If anything, he should be asking his mother about a positive role he can play to fix a situation. If he gets into details that are one-sided and puts you in a bad light, it is completely unfair as you are not there to defend yourself. Similarly, if he runs to his mother every time there is a relationship problem, it simply shows that the biggest problem is that he doesn't the ability to communicate to you like an adult, about your personal problems.
This lack of communication will ultimately end badly. Add in the idea that his mother will always take his side, even if he is at fault. What a disaster. He'll manipulate the situation to make himself look like the victim every time with a problem, his mother will only hear his side, making you seem like a terrible person, leading to an extreme dislike of you. As a result, she'll probably bad mouth you, insist you are the problem, and eventually lead to the demise of your relationship.
When Your Man Disrespects His Mother
There are a few factors you need to take into account before this sends you packing. You need to take an objective look at the role his mother has played in his life and whether it has been positive or negative. Of course, if your man's mom has been nothing but nurturing, kind and supportive throughout his life and he disrespects her, you have a red flag!
If he cusses at her or treats and takes advantage of her kindness and gentle nature like a doormat, you need to hit the road. If he can disrepect the woman that gave so much of herself only to be stepped on, you're probably next.
When Your Man Is Not Close To His Mother
If your man's mother has brought nothing but negativity into his life, you can't really expect him to have much respect for her. If, in a worst-case scenario, his mom was a lazy alcoholic who bought numerous men in and out of his life, what is there to respect? What you should be looking at is how he disrespects her. There is never an excuse to verbally or physically abuse another person, and if he does that, he is no better than his mother-perhaps worse.
However, if he doesn't make an effort to call her, speaks badly about her to you (he may just need to vent!), that is understandable, and not a reason to leave. Do be careful, however, that this has not given him a negative view towards all women in general, and realizes that not all women will disappoint him or let him down.
The role a mother plays in her son's life is immeasurable. While we have separated some common mother/son relationship types, we can not put them into black and white boxes. There are blurred lines in most of these relationships and we must also use our own intuition when it comes to our intimate partners. Each mother/son relationship is different and as women, we shouldn't immediately assume a relationship is going to fail or mimic your partner's relationship with his mom.
Similarly, listen to your gut, look out for red flags, and keep the above dynamics in mind when embarking on a new relationship. If you see any negative effects your partner's, past might cause, you need to take care of yourself first and know when to call it quits.